What Parents Shouldn’t Do When They Divorce

I have been counseling families going through divorce for many years. No matter how hard parents try, children always suffer from parental separation. They all experience painful emotions – anger, fear, sadness, denial, shock. And often these experiences result in negative behavior.

A child, unlike adults, has no choice in this situation. At the same time, divorce affects all aspects of his life. The feelings of a parent’s divorce are similar to the experiences of the death of a loved one, and the child needs to go through all the stages of grief.

Everything that previously seemed familiar and normal suddenly changes, and the child cannot influence it in any way. Not surprisingly, he develops a feeling of powerlessness, which often leads to periods of shock, denial, and intense anger.

Some children try to influence their parents. They persuade their mother and father not to get divorced, they try to blackmail them or rush at their relatives with fists, they are rude and begin to behave antisocially. The task of parents is to try to make this period easier for children in order to help them survive the breakup of the family as painlessly as possible. To do this, monitor how you behave with him and with each other.

1. Don’t use your child as a carrier pigeon

A child should not be an intermediary between parents — it is psychologically difficult for him. Too often I have seen families in which the mother said, “Tell daddy” or “Ask daddy,” and the father conveyed a message back through the child. Communicate with your spouse directly or through a lawyer.

2. Talk to your child

When parents quarrel, stop talking to each other and no longer live together, the child is confused. He does not understand what is happening and how it can end. The unknown breeds fear and anxiety. It is better for a child to know what is really going on and try to deal with it than to come up with explanations for incomprehensible relationships between parents.

3. Do not drag the child into conflicts

In the heat of family quarrels, disputes over the division of property, parents often forget about the feelings of their children. They involve their sons and daughters in their divorce proceedings, fight in front of the child, tell him the details of their relationship and say terrible things about the other parent. Stop, it’s you who are getting divorced, and the child has a father and mother.

4. Talk to the school psychologist and teachers

The school should know about your divorce. There, the child can receive support that close people are not able to give. Sometimes children splash out negative emotions at school, and teachers should understand: the reason is not a bad character, this behavior is a consequence of a difficult family situation. In some educational institutions, psychologists conduct group trainings for children who are faced with the divorce of their parents.

5. Behave yourself

Children watch mom and dad, even if it seems to them that the son or daughter is absorbed in the game or homework. Boys and girls copy the behavior of their parents, learn from them to take a hit and negotiate. Try to avoid shouting and insults, especially the use of force. Violence can put up a wall between you and your child for years to come.

If you feel that the situation is getting out of control and you are unable to cope with emotions, crying, screaming all the time, or, on the contrary, you feel indifference to life and depression, seek help. The specialist will help you cope with the crisis, and you will set a positive example for your child. He must know that it is not a shame to ask for help and support and there is a way out of any situation.