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Envy is not the most beautiful reaction to situations when we suddenly realize that we are missing something. Someone has what we badly need or what we passionately want, and now he is “to blame” for the fact that we do not have it. Moreover: we can even hate it. If this oppressive feeling is not dealt with, it can destroy relationships, but most importantly, harm the object of our envy. What is it like for the victims of someone else’s envy?
Origins of trauma
Many of the clients I treat for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have a history of morbid envy. Many of them are victims of psychological abuse, often by parents and other relatives with certain disorders (borderline, narcissism, and others).
Their childhood memories are full of sad and truly scary moments. Many of them were severely criticized, shamed, intimidated, made to hate themselves, methodically destroyed their personality, and some were even sadistically mocked.
Consequences for the victim of pathological envy
Victims of envy live with an inevitable and destructive sense of shame. Having learned that showing happiness or satisfaction can be emotionally abused, they are often forced to hide in the shadows, hide the traces of their unconditional gifts and be afraid to somehow express themselves.
They need at least the illusion of security, and therefore convince themselves that being timid, modest and insecure is even noble and commendable. Or, unable to put up with other people’s shortcomings and therefore obsessed with the idea of perfection, they can identify themselves with the aggressor and repeat the cycle of violence that they themselves experienced, ridiculing and humiliating others.
Ultimately, in an unconscious attempt to heal their psychological and emotional wounds inflicted by pathological envy, they choose as companions either those in whom they find traits of an abusive parent, or those who remind them of the unfortunate child they once were themselves.
They either project their deepest sense of inferiority onto a vulnerable target, or they themselves take on the habitual position of a victim.
They are driven by futile attempts to finally gain strength and change the terrible events of the past. Revisiting the traumatic pattern again and again, they return to that unfortunate, wounded child. Looks like he can take care of himself now.
Behind these endless, fruitless attempts, lies magical thinking and primitive defense mechanisms that contribute to the feeling of helplessness and distinguish classic victims. As a result, a person suffers even more, but at the same time he mistakenly thinks that the protection is working.
How to get rid of the problem
What can help such people to heal is to give up this detrimental pattern and seek the help of a qualified specialist. This is the only way to open an old wound and finally pacify the pain.
When a victim of psychological envy gets a chance to truly grieve and accept what happened to her, to realize all the cruelty and injustice of the aggressor — the one on whom her life completely and completely depended — she can regain herself and the integrity that she once had. have been deprived.
About the Author: Sheri Heller is a psychotherapist who works with clients with addictions, trauma, and narcissistic abuse.