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What is “ghosting” and why should you never do it with a potential partner?
Couple
This practice, in which a person is abruptly ignored, can make it difficult to grieve from a breakup
Although now it is called «ghosting»It has existed all our life, and that is that disappearing in a bad way when a relationship becomes complicated and you do not know how to end it, is not an invention of modern times. Even so, when we speak specifically of “ghosting” we refer to a pattern, which is frequently applied to short relationships and which occurs in the following way, as explained by Centro TAP psychologist Diana Lozano: “We found that its dynamic more The usual thing is: we connect, we start to write to each other, we have a certain continuity and fluidity for a few days and suddenly and without prior notice, the other person no longer responds, blocks us and closes all avenues of contact ».
We can consider this something
new since the means through which it is carried out are also new. However, Diana Lozano comments that there have always been ruptures “in which the person who decided to end the relationship did not actively cope with the situation, did not show his face or directly disappeared.” “From here comes the famous expression ‘he went for tobacco and did not come back,” says the psychologist. Even so, he affirms that it is a much more common practice today than at other times. He argues that the first cause is that the number of people, potentially candidates with whom to have some type of relationship, multiply through the platforms that exist to be able to link; too anonymity and perception of security play a role and isolation that comes from being behind a screen.
An initial shock
Being “ghosted” by someone is never tasteful, and our reaction may be different. In general, the psychologist Laura Coronel, also from the TAP Center, comments that one of the first effects that this practice can have on us is that of surprise. «Communication interruptions are usually abrupt and unexpected and, many times, it is accompanied by blocks in all social networkss and messaging channels. This generates a few moments of confusion that give rise to all kinds of questions, “he explains.
After this initial “shock” comes the process of denial, in which a justification for what happened is sought, and then it is common to assume the blame, with questions such as “Have I done something wrong?” “All these reactions are accompanied by anguish, which is an emotion that arises when anticipating the advent of a threat that, in this case, would be the consequences of a break,” says Laura Coronel, who adds that “Coping with the pain of knowing that the other has not taken the trouble to dignify the relationship and saying goodbye is a very hard process. Thus, being “victims” of ghosting can cause not only guilt to emerge, but also shake self-esteem.
What do I do if I’m “ghosted”?
Even if we suffer if we find ourselves in this situation, one way to solve the problem is to face it directly. The psychologist and sexologist Raquel Graña, creator of the channel “Intimate Connections”, explains that in general, “if we feel bad about something, the first thing to do would be to try to solve the conflict.” Therefore, in this case it recommends write to the person who is ignoring us, ask what is wrong with him and let him know how we feel. “If he continues to ignore us, try to ignore him and give him time and space until he decides to speak out. Although, at this time, it is best to manage your own “duel” towards that person, since their behavior is extremely toxic, “recommends the sexologist.
On the other hand, it may be that, faced with the difficulty of managing the end of a relationship, we are the ones who cross our heads to stop talking to someone suddenly, and thus nip the problem at its roots. «First, it is important to normalize that we have difficulties to face a complicated situation like telling another person that we are not interested in continuing to move forward with the relationship that we shared up to that moment, “says psychologist Diana Lozano. For this reason, the professional encourages us to prepare what we want to do, and even if we feel difficulty in doing it, we do it, because it is a healthy way of acting and in which we make use of a necessary maturity and emotional responsibility.
Facing our problems
«There are few breaks that don’t hurt, but we should not behave like that, “says Raquel Graña, adding that ignoring and ghosting is the worst thing to do, since we are somehow” keeping “the other person, not allowing him to move forward.” “In addition, it is a very toxic behavior when a person little by little moves away from their partner to spend their separation mourning in a less painful way, without the other party understanding what is happening,” he concludes.
Three tips for not ghosting
The psychologist Diana Lozano gives three keys that can be very useful when facing the situation of ending a relationship:
1. Assertive communication: It is essential to have the ability to enforce our rights without infringing on those of other people. In this way we will set firm limits without being aggressive at any time and defend our needs, even when these are not the same as those of the person with whom we shared a relationship up to that moment.
2. Empathy: The fact of putting ourselves in the place of the other person, of taking charge of how they may be feeling and what this break may mean for him or her, on many occasions can help us to adjust our discourse.
Consideration: We should try to do things with the same care and attention that we or ourselves would like them to have towards us. This can be a key that allows us to find the right record to make the break effective.