Perhaps only they can dream for real – passionately, with all their hearts, not sharing with anyone or, on the contrary, pronouncing their cherished desire in all details. On the eve of the holidays, we asked them what they dream about today. Children’s answers and parental experiences with comments from our experts.
“What is your biggest dream?” For some, this question forced them to think, while others immediately gave out the answer. Some clarified: “Speak about a realizable or unrealizable dream?” or “Maybe a few?” The little ones told in detail, sometimes they lacked words, and they began to draw.
The schoolchildren seemed to have already decided everything a long time ago and now they set out their dreams to me clearly and seriously. With each new story, I felt more and more that there is a “double bottom” in children’s dreams: this is not a whim, but something deep, personal, a reflection of such needs that cannot be said in another way …
Parents used to leave the room where we were talking, but then they would ask anxiously: “So what? What did he say?” And often sincere children’s answers caused them bewilderment, annoyance, disappointment. It turns out that the dreams of our children do not always suit us. Why?
From fantasy to dream
In the dreams entrusted to me, there were echoes of fairy tales, films, family realities and TV news, other people’s experience and my own feelings. One child dreams of wings like a fairy, another wants to “learn how to draw cartoons” – is there a significant difference between these two desires?
“Yes, there is,” says Jungian analyst Anna Skavitina. – The fact is that we often confuse dreams and fantasies. Fairy wings are more of a fantasy, but learning how to make cartoons is a real, “realizable” dream. It has a certain goal and attempts to somehow get closer to this goal, a willingness to act.
To fulfill his dream of animation, the boy comes up with a script, learns to draw. And if a girl dreams of becoming a ballerina, she tries to dance to the music and goes on pointe shoes, imagines herself in a ballet tutu, asks to send her to a ballet school. But such constructive dreams do not arise immediately.
At first, fantasy and dream are one and the same, because a small child in his imagination “really” talks in the forest with a wizard, understands the language of animals, flies.
“Children can live in the world of their dreams, unlike adults,” says child psychologist Marina Bebik. “They “live” their fantasies, they can become kings, princes, fairies, play different roles at the same time, and for them this is reality …”
The inability to draw the line between fantasy and reality persists until the child is 7 or 8 years old, says educator and psychologist Eda LeChamp*. But even then, the work of the imagination helps to realize and accept one’s own feelings, to survive the inevitable periods of deprivation, to learn how to act in the real world.
“Today’s children spend most of their time in a state of frantic activity, and they simply need to replenish their spiritual resources through fantasy,” emphasizes Eda Le Chan. “In addition, fantasy is a necessary condition for liberation from the constant control and interference of adults.”
Most Desirable
“The child grows, knows himself better, he has more desires, so some dreams are replaced by others,” explains child psychotherapist Daria Krymova. “Dreams allow children to feel themselves, to choose a direction – where to move.”
At different ages, children dream of different things – to fly like Peter Pan, to meet a handsome prince, to receive a radio-controlled helicopter or a set of dolls. But it happens that even in early childhood, a child dreams only of what is quite achievable: at four years old he wants a children’s car, at five he wants a bicycle, at seven he wants a game console. What does such pragmatism mean?
“This is a sign that the child’s imagination is not well developed,” says Daria Krymova. “These kids rely entirely on logic. They can be helped by developing emotions, sensations, intuition. Or they simply do not have the habit of dreaming about the impossible: for example, because their parents do not like to dream, or they have enough fantasies in books, films and games.
Hidden Messages
The dream speaks not only about the experience and inclinations of the child, but also about what worries him and what he lacks.
“If he dreams of living in Ancient Egypt or meeting dinosaurs, then something is missing in the present, and he “escapes” to the past, where he finds something good,” Anna Skavitina explains. “He needs to be helped to see the good in the present, so that it gives him the strength to move forward.”
“A ten-year-old girl who dreams of having friends is a reason to pay attention to the situation in the classroom and figure out what prevents her from making friends,” Daria Krymova develops the theme. “Perhaps she has experienced stress and needs help to build relationships with her peers.”
One child may not be self-confident – and therefore wants to become strong in his dreams, another is lonely after the birth of a brother or sister – and he dreams of a friend, an interlocutor …
“When a wizard or a good fairy appears in his stories, this may mean that he is looking for protection and support. I would ask a child who wants to meet a magician why he wants to, – Marina Bebik continues, – and, perhaps, I would get an answer: “Because he is omnipotent.” This means that the child most likely feels helpless, he lacks self-confidence. Playing with him, an adult is able to help him live this meeting with a wizard, to fulfill his dream. And the child will gain confidence that he can change something in his life.
Freedom area
“Tell me what you dream about, and I will tell you what you will become,” a cunning witch suggests in one Italian fairy tale. But we are mistaken in taking seriously the firm decision made at the age of 5-7 to become a banker, super spy or traveler.
A girl who wants to understand the language of animals will not necessarily become a zoologist, and a boy who wants to see volcanoes will be interested in constellations with the same passion in a year.
“If your daughter wants to become a ballerina now, this does not mean that she will become one,” Anna Skavitina comments. “But she has a desire, and it is very important for her growing up. Desire leads her to the goal, helps her find ways to fulfill her dream.
By dreaming, children develop their imagination and learn to act, discover the limits of the possible and grope for what they really like. That is why it is so important to take their dreams seriously, to be able to hear children, to talk to them about what inspires them. In a word, join the game, or at least not deny and not destroy the world of their fantasies.
Why are we sometimes confused and disappointed by childhood dreams?
“It often seems to parents that a child’s dream is unsuitable (stupid, unrealizable, ordinary) or that it’s time to finally stop believing in wizards, fairies and talking animals and get down to serious business,” explains Anna Skavitina. – Or they suddenly realize that their child lacks affection, sympathy, attention … And they have to admit that they are not good enough, and this is very difficult. If, for example, the son’s dreams seem meaningless to the father, he is frightened: “I am educating him wrong, it would be better if he dreamed of becoming rich and famous or studying better than anyone!”
We are annoyed if the dreams of a son or daughter are not similar to ours, and unhappy if they coincide with what we ourselves dreamed of in childhood: what if he repeats our mistakes and failures?
Familiar or strange, in any case, dreams are an area of freedom that we can neither control nor direct. But thanks to them, we can get to know our children better, get closer to them, and strengthen mutual trust. Children are waiting for our support, and we should carefully consider even their most incredible ideas.
We cannot always buy the desired toy, and even more so we cannot resurrect Michael Jackson or teach the language of animals, but we can invite a fairy to a holiday or arrange a flight on a dizzying attraction. Didn’t we all want in childhood to be in the place of the Kid, who was finally given a dog?
“It is important that the child has the experience that dreams come true,” concludes Daria Krymova. “Then it will be easier for him to endure the inevitable disappointments.”
* Author of When Your Child Drives You Crazy (Prime-EUROZNAK, 2008).