To be heard means to receive recognition of one’s uniqueness, confirmation of one’s existence. This is probably the most common desire these days — but at the same time the most risky. How to make sure that we can be heard in the surrounding noise? How to talk «for real»?
Never before have we communicated, spoken, written so much. Collectively, to argue or suggest, denounce or unite, and individually to express their personality, needs and desires. But is there a feeling that we are really being heard? Not always.
There is a difference between what we think we are saying and what we actually say; between what the other hears and what we think he hears. In addition, in modern culture, where self-presentation is one of the most important tasks, and speed is a new modality of relationships, speech is no longer always intended to build bridges between people.
Today we value individuality and are more and more interested in ourselves, we look more closely inside ourselves. “One of the consequences of such attention is that a significant part of society puts in the first place the need to manifest itself to the detriment of the ability to perceive,” notes Gestalt therapist Mikhail Kryakhtunov.
We can be called a society of speakers who no one listens to.
Messages to nowhere
New technologies bring our «I» to the fore. Social networks tell everyone how we live, what we think about, where we are and what we eat. “But these are statements in a monologue mode, a speech that is not addressed to anyone in particular,” says Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist. “Perhaps this is an outlet for shy people who are too afraid of negative feedback in the real world.”
They get the opportunity to express their views and assert themselves, but at the same time they risk preserving their fears and getting stuck in the virtual space.
In museums and against the backdrop of sights, everyone takes selfies — it seems that no one is looking at each other, or at those masterpieces for which they were in this place. The number of messages-images is many times greater than the number of those who can perceive them.
“In the space of relations, there is an overabundance of what is invested, in contrast to what is taken,” emphasizes Mikhail Kryakhtunov. “Each of us strives to express ourselves, but in the end it leads to loneliness.”
Our contacts are becoming ever faster and, by virtue of this alone, less deep.
Broadcasting something about ourselves, we do not know if there is someone on the other end of the wire. We do not meet with a response and become invisible in front of everyone. But it would be wrong to blame the means of communication for everything. “If we didn’t have a need for them, they simply wouldn’t have appeared,” says Mikhail Kryakhtunov. Thanks to them, we can exchange messages at any time. But our contacts are becoming more and more rapid and, by virtue of this alone, less deep. And this applies not only to business negotiations, where accuracy comes first, not emotional connection.
We press the “wave” button without even understanding who we are waving to and who is waving back. Emoji libraries offer pictures for all occasions. Smiley — fun, another smiley — sadness, folded hands: «I pray for you.» There are also ready-made phrases for standard answers. “To write “I love you”, you just need to press the button once, you don’t even have to type letter by letter, continues the Gestalt therapist. “But words that require neither thought nor effort depreciate, lose their personal meaning.” Isn’t that why we try to strengthen them, adding to them «very», «really», «honestly honest» and the like? They underline our passionate desire to communicate our thoughts and emotions to others — but also the uncertainty that this will succeed.
truncated space
Posts, emails, text messages, tweets keep us away from the other person and their body, their emotions and our emotions.
“Due to the fact that communication takes place through devices that play the role of an intermediary between us and another, our body is no longer involved in it,” says Inna Khamitova, “but being together means listening to the voice of another, smelling him, perceiving unspoken emotions and be in the same context.
We rarely think about the fact that when we are in a common space, we see and perceive a common background, this helps us to better understand each other.
If we communicate indirectly, then “our common space is truncated,” continues Mikhail Kryakhtunov, “I don’t see the interlocutor or, if it’s Skype, for example, I see only the face and part of the room, but I don’t know what is behind the door, how much it distracts the other, what the situation is, she has to continue the conversation or turn off faster.
I take personally what has nothing to do with me. But he does not feel that with me.
Our common experience at this moment is small — we have little contact, the area of psychological contact is small. If we take an ordinary conversation as 100%, then when we communicate using gadgets, 70-80% disappear.” This would not be a problem if such communication did not turn into a bad habit, which we carry over into normal everyday communication.
It’s getting harder for us to keep in touch.
The full presence of another nearby is irreplaceable by technical means
Surely, many have seen this picture somewhere in a cafe: two people are sitting at the same table, each looking at their device, or maybe they themselves have been in such a situation. “This is the principle of entropy: more complex systems break down into simpler ones, it is easier to degrade than to develop,” the Gestalt therapist reflects. — To hear another, you have to break away from yourself, and this requires effort, and then I just send a smiley. But the emoticon does not solve the issue of participation, the addressee has a strange feeling: it seems that they reacted to it, but it was not filled with anything. The full presence of another side by side is irreplaceable by technical means.
We are losing the skill of deep communication, and it must be restored. You can start by regaining the ability to hear, although this is not easy.
We live at the intersection of many influences and appeals: make your page, put a like, sign an appeal, participate, go … And gradually we develop deafness and immunity in ourselves — this is just a necessary protective measure.
Looking for balance
“We have learned to close our inner space, but it would be useful to be able to open it as well,” notes Inna Khamitova. “Otherwise, we won’t get feedback. And we, for example, continue to speak, not reading the signs that the other is not ready to hear us now. And we ourselves suffer from a lack of attention.”
The developer of the theory of dialogue, Martin Buber, believed that the main thing in dialogue is the ability to hear, not to say. “We need to give the other a place in the space of conversation,” explains Mikhail Kryakhtunov. To be heard, one must first become the one who hears. Even in psychotherapy, there comes a time when the client, having spoken out, wants to know what is happening with the therapist: “How are you doing?” It’s mutual: if I don’t listen to you, you don’t hear me. And vice versa».
It’s not about speaking in turns, but about taking into account the situation and the balance of needs. “It makes no sense to act according to the template: I met, I need to share something,” the Gestalt therapist clarifies. “But you can see what our meeting is up to, how interaction is developing. And act according not only to your own needs, but also to the circumstances and the process.”
It’s natural to want to feel healthy, meaningful, valued, and feel connected to the world.
The connection between me and the other is based on what place I give him, how he changes my emotions and my perception. But at the same time, we never know for sure what another will imagine using our words as the basis for the work of his imagination. “The extent to which we will be understood depends on many things: on our ability to accurately formulate the message, on the attention of another, and on how we interpret the signals emanating from him,” Inna Khamitova points out.
To one, in order to know that he is being listened to, it is necessary to see the gaze fixed on him. A closer look is embarrassing for another — but it helps when they nod or ask clarifying questions. “You can even start expressing an idea that is not completely formed,” Mikhail Kryakhtunov is convinced, “and if the interlocutor is interested in us, he will help develop and formalize it.”
But what if the desire to be heard is just narcissism? “Let’s distinguish between narcissism and self-love,” suggests Mikhail Kryakhtunov. “It’s natural to want to feel healthy, meaningful, valued, and feel connected to the world.” In order for self-love, which is contained in narcissism, to manifest itself and be fruitful, it must be confirmed from the outside by others: so that we are interesting to him. And he, in turn, would be interesting to us. It doesn’t always happen and it doesn’t happen to everyone. But when there is such a coincidence between us, a feeling of closeness arises from it: we can push ourselves aside, allowing the other to speak. Or ask him: can you listen?