It seems to many that if the spouses decide to «take a break from each other,» in this way they simply delay the inevitable and already predetermined ending of the relationship. But what if sometimes we really need to give ourselves a “psychological vacation” to save a marriage?
“The divorce rate is extremely high these days, so any way to combat this phenomenon deserves attention,” says family therapist Allison Cohen. “Although there are no universal recipes, a temporary separation can give spouses the necessary time and distance to reconsider their views on the most important issues.” Perhaps, thanks to this, the storm will subside and peace and harmony will return to the family union.
Take the example of Mark and Anna. After 35 years of marriage, they began to move away from each other, accumulating many mutual grievances. The couple did not take the easy path and decided, before getting a divorce, first try to live separately.
Mark and Anna did not have much hope for a reunion. Moreover, they have already begun to discuss a potential divorce process, but a miracle happened — after three months of living apart, the couple decided to get back together. During this time, they rested from each other, thought everything over and again felt mutual interest.
What can explain what happened? The partners gave themselves time to learn how to communicate again, remembered what they lacked without each other, and began to live together again. They recently celebrated their 42nd wedding anniversary. And this is not such a rare case.
So when should you think about a temporary breakup? First of all, it is important to assess the level of emotional exhaustion — yours and your partner’s. If one of you (or both of you) is so debilitated that he can no longer give anything to the other, it’s time to talk about what a pause can give both.
Hope and reality
“Is there even the slightest hope for a favorable outcome? Perhaps the prospect of divorce and future loneliness scares you? This is enough to try to live separately first and see what you can achieve in these new conditions, ”says Allison Cohen.
Before making a final decision, you need to decide on practical issues:
- How long will your breakup last?
- Who will you tell about your decision?
- How will you keep in touch during the separation (by phone, e-mail, etc.)?
- Who will go to visits, parties, events if both of you are invited?
- Who will pay the bills?
- Will you share finances?
- How will you tell your children about your decision?
- Who will pick up the children from school?
- Who will stay at home and who will move out?
- Will you let each other date someone else?
These are difficult questions that evoke a lot of emotions. “It is important to see a therapist before a breakup and continue therapy during this period,” says Allison Cohen. “This will help not to violate the agreements and deal with emerging feelings in a timely manner.”
To regain emotional intimacy, it is important to sometimes spend time alone with a partner.
Let’s say you decide that a temporary separation can do you good. What is the best thing to focus on to get the most out of this period? Ask yourself:
- What could you have done differently in the past to strengthen your relationship?
- What are you willing to change now to save your union?
- What is required from a partner so that the relationship can continue?
- What do you like in a partner, what will be missed during his absence? Are you ready to tell him about it?
- Are you ready to maintain a state of awareness while communicating with a partner — or at least try to do it?
- Are you ready to forgive past mistakes and try to start over?
- Are you ready to have a romantic evening every week? To regain emotional intimacy, it is important to spend time alone with your partner sometimes.
- Are you ready to learn new ways of communicating so you don’t repeat old mistakes?
“There are no universal rules,” explains Allison Cohen. — An individual approach is important, because each couple is unique. How long should the trial period of living apart be? Some therapists talk about six months, others say less. Some recommend not to start a new relationship during this period, others believe that you should not resist the call of the heart.
Find a therapist who has experience working with these situations. This is the best way to overcome all the difficulties that may arise during the process of temporary separation.
If you are desperate and have lost all hope, remember that your partner is not really your enemy (even if it seems so to you now). You still have a chance to return the former joy of intimacy.
Yes, it’s hard to believe, but perhaps the person sitting across from you at the dinner table is still your best friend and soul mate.