Contents
The test is positive but the father is gone. Carried by the growing baby within them, these future mothers are torn between euphoria and a feeling of abandonment. And it is in solo that they experience ultrasounds, preparation courses, body changes… A certainty for them, this unexpected baby is a gift of life.
“My friends did not support me”
Emily : “This baby was not planned at all. I had been in a relationship with the dad for six years when we broke up. Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant… From the start, I wanted to keep it. I had no idea how to tell my ex-boyfriend at all, I was afraid of his reaction. I knew for a fact that we would no longer be a couple even if we had a baby. I told him after three months. He accepted the news well, he was even rather happy. But, very quickly, he was afraid, he did not feel capable of taking on all that. So I found myself alone. This growing baby in me became the center of my life. I only had him left, I had decided to keep him against all odds. Solo moms aren’t necessarily well regarded. Even less when you are very young. I was made to understand that I had made a baby on my own, selfishly, that I should not have kept it. My friends and I hardly see each other anymore and every time I try to tell them about what I’m going through, I hit a wall … Their worries are limited to their latest heartache, going out, their cell phone… I explained to my best friend that I was in low spirits. She told me that she also had her problems. Yet I really would have needed support. I was scared to death during this pregnancy. It’s difficult to have to make decisions alone, for all the choices that concern the child: first name, type of care, purchases, etc. I have talked to my baby a lot during this time. Louana gave me incredible strength, I fought for her! I gave birth a month before term, I left in disaster with my mother for the maternity ward. Fortunately, she had time to warn dad. He was able to attend the birth of his daughter. I wanted to. For him, Louana is not just an abstraction. He recognized his daughter, she has our two names and we chose her first name a few minutes before the birth. It was a bit of a mess when I think about it. Everything was mixed up in my head! I was panicked by the premature childbirth, obsessed with the presence of the dad, focused on the first name… In the end, it went well, it’s a beautiful memory. What is difficult to manage today is the absence of the father. He comes very rarely. I always talk about him very positively in front of my daughter. But hearing Louana say “daddy” without anyone answering her is still painful. “
“Everything changed when I felt him move”
Samantha: “Before my pregnancy, I lived in Spain where I was a DJ. I was a night owl. With my daughter’s father, I had a pretty chaotic relationship. I lived with him for a year and a half, then we separated for a year. I saw him again, we decided to give ourselves a second chance. I did not have contraception. I took the morning after pill. We have to believe that it does not work every time. When I noticed a ten day period delay, I didn’t worry too much. I still did a test. And there, the shock. He tested positive. My friend wanted me to have an abortion. I got the classic ultimatum shot, it was the baby or him. I refused, I did not want to have an abortion, I was quite old enough to have a child. He left, I never saw him again and this departure was a real disaster for me. I was completely lost. I had to give up everything in Spain, my life, my friends, my job, and return to France, to my parents. At first I was very depressed. And then, in the 4th month, everything changed because I felt the baby move. From the start, I spoke to my stomach but still struggled to realize. I went through some really difficult times. Going to ultrasounds and only seeing couples in the waiting room is not very comforting. For the second echo, I wished my father would come with me, because he was rather distant vis-à-vis this pregnancy. Seeing the baby on the screen helped him realize. My mother is delighted! So as not to feel too lonely, I chose the godfather and godmother from among my Spanish friends very early on. I sent them pictures of my stomach over the internet to see me change in the eyes of people close to me, apart from my parents. It’s hard not to share these changes with a man. For the moment, what worries me is not knowing if the father will want to recognize my daughter. I don’t know how I would react. For the delivery, my Spanish friends came. They were very moved. One of them stayed to sleep with me. Kayliah, my daughter, is a very beautiful baby: 3,920 kg for 52,5 cm. I have a photo of her little daddy. She has her nose and her mouth. Of course, she looks like him. “
“I was very surrounded and … I was high”
Muriel : “We had been seeing each other for two years. We didn’t live together, but for me we were still a couple. I was no longer taking contraception, I was thinking about the possible installation of an IUD. After a delay of five days, I took the famous test. Positive. Well, that made me euphoric. The best day of my life. It was completely unexpected, but there was a real desire for children at the base. I didn’t think about abortion at all. I called the father to tell him the news. He was adamant: “I don’t want it. I didn’t hear from me for five years after that phone call. At the time, his reaction didn’t bother me too much. It was not a big deal. I thought he needed time, that he would change his mind. I tried to stay zen. I was very supported by my colleagues, who were very protective Italians. They called me “the mama” after three weeks of pregnancy. I was a little sad to go to the Echoes alone or with a friend, but on the other hand, I was on cloud nine. What saddened me the most was that I was wrong about the man I had chosen. I was very surrounded, I was high at 10. I had an apartment, a job, I was not in an extreme situation. My gynecologist was awesome. On the first visit, I was so moved that I burst into tears. He thought I was crying because I didn’t want to keep him. On the day of delivery, I was very serene. My mother was present throughout the labor but not for the eviction. I wanted to be alone to welcome my son. Since Leonardo was born, I have met lots of people. This birth reconciled me with life and with other human beings. Four years later, I’m still on my cloud. ”
“No one is there to see my body change. “
Mathilde: “It’s not an accident, it’s a great event. I had been seeing the father for seven months. I was paying attention, and I didn’t expect it at all. I was of course shocked when I saw the little blue in the test window, but I was immediately happy. I waited ten days to tell the father, with whom things were not going very well. He took it very badly and said to me: “There is no question to ask. However, I decided to keep the baby. He gave me a period of one month, and when he understood that I would not change my mind, that I was determined, he became really obnoxious: “You’ll regret it, there will be written” unknown father ”On his birth certificate. “ I am convinced that he will change his mind one day, he is a sensitive person. My family took this news well, but my friends a lot less well. They deserted, even the girls. Being confronted with a single mother makes them feel depressed. At first it was really difficult, completely surreal. I was not aware that I was carrying life. Since I feel him move, I think more of him than of the abandonment of the father. Some days I am very depressed. I have bouts of crying. I have read that the taste of amniotic fluid changes according to the moods of the mother. But hey, I think it’s better that I express my feelings. At the moment, the father does not know that it is a little boy. He already has two daughters on his side. It does me good that he’s in the dark, it’s my little revenge. The lack of tenderness, hugs, attention from a man, it’s hard. No one is there to watch your body change. We cannot share what is intimate. It’s a test for me. Time seems long to me. What is supposed to be a good time is ultimately a nightmare. I can’t wait for it to end. I’ll forget everything when my baby is here. My desire for a child was stronger than anything, but even if it’s deliberate, it’s hard. I’m not going to have sex for nine months. Next I’m going to breastfeed, I’m going to put my love life on hold for a while. As a child asks himself questions around the age of 2-3, I tell myself that I have time to find someone good. I myself was raised by a stepfather who gave me a lot. ”
“I gave birth in the presence of my mother. “
Corinne: “I didn’t have a very close relationship with the father. We had been breaking up for two weeks when I decided to take a test. I was with a friend, and when I saw it was positive, I exploded with joy. JI realized that I had dreamed of it for a long time. This baby was obvious, the fact of keeping it too. I was even shocked to be asked if I was planning to have an abortion when I was terribly stressed about losing this child. I cut off all contact with the father who, after reacting very well, accused me of having manipulated him. I am very surrounded by my parents even if, I can see it well, my father had difficulty in getting used to it. I moved to be closer to them. I signed up on internet forums to feel less alone. I resumed therapy. As I was hyperemotional during this time, a lot of things were coming out. My pregnancy went very well. I went to the ultrasounds alone or with my mother. I have the impression of having lived my pregnancy through his eyes. For the delivery, she was there. Three days earlier, she came to sleep with me. She was the one who held the little one when he arrived. For her, of course, it was an incredible experience. Being able to welcome your grandson at birth is something! My father was very proud too. The stay in the maternity ward seemed a little less obvious to me since I was constantly confronted with the image of couples in full marital and family happiness. Which reminded me of the childbirth preparation classes. The midwife was fixated on fathers, she talked about them all the time. Each time, it made me bristle. When people ask me where the daddy is, I answer that there isn’t any, that there is a parent. I refuse to feel guilty about this absence. It seems to me that there is always a way to find male figures to help the child. For now, everything seems easy to me. I try to be the closest to my baby. I breastfeed, I wear it a lot. I hope to make him a happy, balanced, confident man. ”