On August 2, 2018, the three Khachaturian sisters, 17-year-old Maria, 18-year-old Angelina, and 19-year-old Krestina, were arrested for killing their father, who had beaten and raped them for years. The process, which is still going on, has split society in two: some demand severe punishment for girls, others cry for mercy. The opinion of the systemic family psychotherapist Marina Travkova.
Their supporters and supporters demand that the sisters be released. My feed is full of thoughtful comments from men and women about how we will «justify killing.» That they “could run away” if he scoffed. How can you let them go, and even offer psychological rehabilitation.
We’ve known for a long time that «why don’t they leave» is an unanswered question. Not immediately and often only with outside help or after the “last straw”, when not you are beaten, but your child, adult women with a prosperous family background leave their rapists: loving parents and independence before marriage.
Because it is impossible to believe that your dearest person, who said that he loves, suddenly turns into the one whose fist flies in your face. And when the victim, in shock, is looking for an answer to the question of how this could have happened to her at all, the abuser returns and gives an explanation that fits well with the wounded soul: you yourself are to blame, you brought me down. Behave differently and everything will be fine. Let’s try. And the trap closes.
It seems to the victim that she has a lever, she just needs to use it correctly. And yet, after all, common plans, dreams, household, mortgages and children. Many abusers open up exactly when they realize that they are sufficiently attached. And, of course, there are a lot of people around who will offer to “repair” the relationship. Including, alas, psychologists.
“Men have feelings, they express anger because they don’t know how to express vulnerability and helplessness” — have you met this? Alas, it is a failure to discern that maintaining a relationship includes, above all, a commitment to stop violence. And even if there are quarrels in a couple that can be called provocative, the responsibility for a fist in the face lies with the hitter. Do you live with a woman who provokes you to beat? Get away from her. But this does not justify beatings and murders. First stop the violence, then the rest. It’s about adults.
Do you think the children did not understand who is stronger? Didn’t realize that help didn’t come and won’t come?
Now put a child in this place. Many clients told me that they learned at the age of 7, 9, 12, when they first came to visit a friend, that they don’t have to yell or beat in the family. That is, the child grows up and thinks that it is the same for everyone. You can’t fool yourself, it makes you feel bad, but you think that it’s like that everywhere, and you learn to adapt. Just to survive.
To adapt, you need to give up yourself, from your feelings, which scream that all this is wrong. The alienation begins. Have you heard the phrase from adults: “Nothing, they beat me, but I grew up as a person”? These are people who have dissociated their fear, their pain, their indignation. And often (but this is not the case of Khachaturian) the rapist is the only one who cares about you. It hits, it sips. And when there is nowhere to go, you will learn to notice the good and sweep the bad under the carpet. But, alas, it doesn’t go anywhere. In nightmares, psychosomatics, self-harm — trauma.
A «just» world: why do we condemn the victims of violence?
So, an adult woman with wonderful loving parents “in history”, who has somewhere to go, cannot do this right away. Adult! Who had a different life! Relatives and friends who tell her: «Go away.» How can such skills suddenly come from children who grow up, see violence and try to adapt to it? Someone writes that in the photo they hug their father and smile. I assure you, and you would do the same, especially if you knew that if you refuse, you will then fly for it. Self-preservation.
In addition, around the society. Which, by silence or a glance to the side, makes it clear that «herself». Family matters. The girls’ mother wrote statements against her husband, and it did not end with anything. Do you think the children did not understand who is stronger? Didn’t realize that help didn’t come and won’t come?
Psychological rehabilitation in this case is not a luxury, but an absolute necessity.
The hare runs from the wolf as much as it can, but, driven into a corner, beats with its paws. If you are attacked in the street with a knife, you will not speak high, you will defend yourself. If you are beaten and raped day after day and promised to do the same tomorrow, there will come a day when «sweeping under the carpet» simply will not work. There is nowhere to go, society has already turned away, everyone is afraid of their father, and no one dares to argue. It remains to protect yourself. Therefore, this case for me is an obvious self-defense.
Psychological rehabilitation in this case is not a luxury, but an absolute necessity. Taking the life of another person is an extraordinary act. Alienated for many years, pain and rage came and covered, and the person could not cope with this on his own. None of us would have made it.
It’s like a veteran returning from a war zone: but the veteran had a peaceful life, and then the war. These children grew up in the war. They still need to believe in a peaceful life and learn how to live it. This is a separate huge problem. You begin to understand why in many countries abusers are forced to go to psychological help groups. Many of them also grew up «in the war» and do not know how to live «in the world.» But this problem should be solved not by those whom they beat, not by their wives, and certainly not by their children. Government agencies had many ways to save Khachaturian’s life.
When asked why this did not happen, it is perhaps much more terrible to answer than to blame the children and demand from them inhuman efforts to save themselves. An honest answer to this question leaves us defenseless and frightening. And “it’s her own fault” helps to believe that you just had to behave differently, and nothing would have happened. And what do we choose?