Parents are often afraid to take their child to a psychologist, believing that there must be a good reason for this. When does it make sense to consult a specialist? Why is it visible from the outside? And how to bring up a sense of bodily boundaries in a son and daughter? Child psychologist Tatyana Bednik talks about this.
Psychologies: Computer games are a new reality that burst into our lives and which, of course, also affected children. Do you think there is real danger in games like Pokemon Go becoming a mainstream craze, or are we exaggerating, as always, the dangers of new technology and kids can safely chase Pokemon because they enjoy it?1
Tatyana Bednik: Of course, this is some new, yes, thing in our reality, but it seems to me that the danger is no more than from the advent of the Internet. This is how to use. Of course, we are dealing with more benefit, because the child does not sit in front of the computer, at least goes out for a walk … And at the same time with great harm, because it is dangerous. A child, immersed in the game, can get hit by a car. Therefore, there is benefit and harm together, as with any use of gadgets.
In the magazine’s October issue, you and I and other experts talked about how to determine when it’s time to take your child to a psychologist. What are the signs of trouble? How to distinguish a situation that requires intervention from the usual age-related manifestations of a child that just needs to be experienced somehow?
T. B .: First of all, I would like to say that a child psychologist is not always and not only about trouble, because we work both for development, and for unlocking potential, and for improving relationships … If a parent has a need, this question arose in general: “A Should I take my child to a psychologist? ”, I have to go.
And what will the psychologist say if a mother or father with a child comes to him and asks: “What can you say about my boy or my girl? What could we do for our child?
T. B .: Of course, a psychologist can diagnose a child’s development, say at least whether the development corresponds to our conditionally age norms. Yes, he can talk with the parent about any difficulties that he would like to change, fix. But if we talk about trouble, then what do we pay attention to, what should parents pay attention to, regardless of age?
These are, firstly, abrupt changes in the behavior of the child, if the child was previously active, cheerful, and suddenly becomes thoughtful, sad, depressed. Or vice versa, a child who was of such a very quiet, calm temperament suddenly becomes excited, active, cheerful, this is also a reason to find out what is happening.
So the change itself should attract attention?
T. B .: Yes, yes, it is a sharp change in the behavior of the child. Also, regardless of age, what could be the reason? When a child cannot fit into any children’s team, whether it is a kindergarten, a school: this is always a reason to think about what is wrong, why this is happening. Manifestations of anxiety, they, of course, can manifest themselves in different ways in a preschooler, in a teenager, but we understand that the child is anxious about something, very worried. Strong fears, aggressiveness — these moments, of course, always, in any age period, are the reason for contacting a psychologist.
When relationships do not go well, when it is difficult for a parent to understand his child, there is no mutual understanding between them, this is also a reason. If we talk specifically about age-related things, then what should concern parents of preschoolers? That the child does not play. Or he grows, his age increases, but the game does not develop, it remains as primitive as before. For schoolchildren, of course, these are learning difficulties.
The most common case.
T. B .: Parents often say, «Here he is smart, but lazy.» We, as psychologists, believe that there is no such thing as laziness, there is always some reason … For some reason, the child refuses or cannot learn. For a teenager, a disturbing symptom will be the lack of communication with peers, of course, this is also a reason to try to understand — what is happening, what is wrong with my child?
But there are situations when from the side it is more visible that something is happening to the child that was not there before, something is alarming, alarming, or it seems to you that parents always know the child better and are better able to recognize the symptoms or some new phenomena?
T. B .: No, unfortunately, not always parents can objectively assess the behavior and condition of their child. It also happens that from the side it is more visible. It is sometimes very difficult for parents to accept and understand that something is wrong. This is first. Secondly, they can cope with the child at home, especially when it comes to a small child. That is, they get used to it, it does not seem to them that its isolation or solitude is something unusual …
And from the side it is visible.
T. B .: This can be seen from the outside, especially if we are dealing with educators, teachers with vast experience. Of course, they already feel many children, understand, and can tell their parents. It seems to me that any comments from educators or teachers should be accepted. If this is an authoritative specialist, parents can ask what is wrong, what exactly worries, why this or that specialist thinks so. If a parent understands that his child is simply not accepted with his characteristics, then we can conclude who we give and trust our child to.
Parents are afraid to take their child to a psychologist, it seems to them that this is a recognition of their weakness or insufficient educational abilities. But we, because we hear such stories a lot, know that it always brings benefits, that many things can be easily corrected. This work usually brings relief to everyone, both the child, and the family, and parents, and there is no reason to be afraid of it … Since we had a sad story around one of the Moscow schools in early September, I wanted to ask about bodily boundaries. Can we educate these bodily boundaries in children, explain to them which adults can touch them and how exactly, who can stroke their heads, who can take hands, how different bodily contacts differ?
T. B .: Of course, this should be brought up in children from early childhood. Bodily boundaries are a special case of personality boundaries in general, and we must teach a child from childhood, yes, that he has the right to say “no”, not to do what is unpleasant for him.
Educators or teachers are authoritative figures with power, so sometimes it seems that they have much more power than they really are.
T. B .: By showing respect for these boundaries, including physicality, we can instill in the child a distance from any adult. Of course, the child should know the name of his sexual organ, it is better to call them in their own words from childhood, to explain that this is an intimate area, that no one can touch without permission, only a doctor whom mom and dad trust and brought the child. The child must know! And he must clearly say “no” if suddenly someone expresses a desire to touch him there. These things should be brought up in the child.
How often does it happen in the family? A grandmother comes, a small child, yes, he does not want to be hugged, kissed, pressed to him now. Grandmother is offended: “So I came to visit, and you ignore me like that.” Of course, this is wrong, you need to respect what the child feels, to his desires. And, of course, you need to explain to the child that there are close people who can hug him, if he wants to hug his friend in the sandbox, then “let’s ask him” …
Can you hug him now?
T. B .: Yes! Yes! The same thing, as the child grows older, parents should show respect for his bodily boundaries: do not enter the bath when the child is washing, when the child is changing clothes, knock on the door to his room. Of course, this is all important. All this needs to be brought up from the very, very early childhood.
1 The interview was recorded by the editor-in-chief of Psychologies magazine Ksenia Kiseleva for the program «Status: in a relationship», radio «Culture», October 2016.