What mistakes do we make when we try to resolve a conflict with a child? How to set rules of behavior for children and whether they should be punished if these rules are not followed? Our psychologist Natalia Poletaeva answers these important questions for family relations.
Of course, conflicts arise in every family, and you need to be prepared for them. We have already talked about the causes of bad behavior of children, and to learn how to respond adequately to such situations, observe how your loved ones communicate with the child during the conflict. Try to look at yourself from the outside, to understand what feelings you feel when you punish a child:
— if you yell at a child in anger, then most likely he acted contrary to you, and your anger is caused by humiliation — it seems to you that the child does not respect you, undermines your authority;
— if you are annoyed, then most likely, the child regularly makes small “dirty tricks” to attract your attention;
— if you take offense at the child, at his words, then the reason for his actions against the rules lies in the desire to take revenge on you for the punishment;
— if you are confused and do not understand why the child doesthis, then it seems that your child has the same situation — something negative has happened in his life , and he does not know why he violates the house rules of behavior.
Thus, by observing yourself, you can understand the child’s behavior and get out of the conflict without punishment, insults and reproaches, and if you still can not avoid punishment, try not to make mistakes that the child’s behavior will not correct, but can forever leave a mark on his soul.
Punishing a child, in any case, you can not:
– respond with aggression to aggression: for example, if a child fights, struggles or screams, do not prove that you are stronger, it is better to step aside, show that his behavior is not interesting to you, ignore the aggression;
– scare: children take everything literally, and if you scare a child, it can help solve a specific conflict, but then a new problem will arise — how to rid the child of fear;
– use threats that cannot be fulfilled: if the child continues to behave as he wants, and you do not fulfill your promise, then the next time your threats will be ignored;
– promise a gift for good behavior: in this case, the child will manipulate you, and all his actions will now be only for the sake of the gift;
– condemn the actions of another family member in the presence of the child: the authority of the parents must be the same, and the upbringing must be consistent, otherwise the child will turn to the parent to whom it seems more profitable for him;
— remember old grudges: children have the right to fail and fixing it, if you remind them of the troubles, there can be a stigma — imposing negative traits (the child may believe that it really is bad, then suck it up, and then refuses to think of doing something to fix it, because adults will still blame him);
– deprive the child of food or other vital things: it is better to forbid the child to go to a party, play a game or, for example, watch a cartoon;
– humiliate and offend: an insult leaves a deep scar in the soul of a child, such insults are carried through life.
If a conflict has occurred, then first you need to calm down, try to understand the reason, and then make a decision on the measure of punishment. Remember: the education of children is primarily the education of the parents themselves. The child will not only obey you implicitly, but will also be able to grow up as an independent person if you are confident in your requirements and calmly explain their meaning.