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Adolescents often feel that no one needs them, they are not interesting. At least someone likes a girlfriend or friend, but no one pays attention to them. As if they don’t exist. What to do? The psychologist explains.
Let’s start by asking: how do you know? Have you really done research and interviewed all your acquaintances, and they answered that they categorically do not like you? Even if you imagine such a wild situation, you can not be sure that everyone answered honestly.
Therefore, apparently, we are talking about your subjective assessment. I wonder where it came from and what is behind it?
I remember that at the age of 11-13, the phrase “No one likes me” meant “I don’t like someone specific, very important to me.” This is a problem in a million! A person occupies all your attention, all your thoughts, so you want him to appreciate and recognize you, but he doesn’t care about you at all! He walks around as if nothing had happened, and does not notice you.
What to do? First of all, here are some simple truths.
1. There are no people more or less important — each of us is certainly valuable
Even if in your class N is considered a great authority, everyone likes it and is a success with everyone, you do not need to receive his recognition at all. Your statuses, popularity, authority are nothing more than a social game.
And if M, albeit an obvious outsider, considers you a worthy person, communicates with you with pleasure and recognizes your opinion as valuable — rejoice. This means that there is at least one person on the planet, besides mom and dad, who is interested in you.
2. We never know for sure how people feel about us.
What we think and feel is not the same as what we say and how we behave. It seems to you that they hate you, but in reality you just find yourself at the wrong time and in the wrong place. You think they don’t notice you, but in fact they are just embarrassed to speak, or your passion can’t figure out their feelings in any way.
3. It is very difficult to feel sympathy for a person who does not like himself.
Let’s be honest: if you were the N, would you draw attention to yourself? What can you think of you, if you look from the outside? What is your strength? At what moments is it pleasant and fun to be with you, and at what moments do you want to run away from you to the ends of the world? If N does not notice you, maybe you should declare yourself a little louder?
4. You may just not be able to find your company yet.
Imagine: a quiet, dreamy young man finds himself in a party of crazy merry fellows. They appreciate completely different qualities in people.
And finally, maybe you are right and you really have every reason to think that no one likes you. Nobody invites you to dance. Nobody sits down with you in the dining room. Nobody comes to the birthday party. Let’s say so.
But, firstly, there is a high probability that you are still surrounded by the wrong people (and this can be solved: it is enough to find another company, other places where there are people who are interesting to you). And secondly, you can always figure out how to change the situation. Search the Internet for old friends with whom you went to kindergarten, dye your hair, gain courage and ask to eat with the guys you like.
Don’t be afraid to fail: it’s better to try and fail than not to try anything at all.
Well, if you get only negativity from all your efforts, if everyone really repels you, tell your mom or another adult you trust about this. Or call one of the helplines (for example, the free crisis helpline: +7 (495) 988-44-34 (free in Moscow) +7 (800) 333-44-34 (free in Russia).
Perhaps your difficulties have a specific serious reason that a good psychologist will help you figure out.
Useful exercises
1. «Compliments»
For ten days, commit to giving yourself two or three compliments each time you:
look at yourself in the mirror;
going to leave the house;
returning home.
Only, chur, honestly and specifically, for example:
“You look really good today! Your hair looks great and the sweater goes well with the jacket.»
«It’s a pleasure talking to you! You found the right words for that situation.»
«You’re cool. You have funny jokes — funny and not offensive.
2. «Resume»
It is clear that you are not going to work soon, but let’s practice. Make a presentation of yourself: select photos, make a list of your skills and talents, tell in detail why people will want to do business with you. Then reread the presentation: well, how can a person like you not be liked by anyone?
3. «Audit of human relations»
Imagine that it is not you who are suffering, but some boy Vasya. Vasya has a big problem: no one notices him, he is treated badly, he is not appreciated. And you in this story are the great auditor of human relations. And then Vasya comes to you and asks: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone like me?»
You ask Vasya several important questions. What? For example — how does Vasya treat people?
Doesn’t he like bilious, evil jokes? Does he know how to take the side of another person, protect, show care?
And yet — how it all began. Maybe there was some event, an act, an ugly word, after which they began to look at Vasya differently? Or was there some big disappointment in Vasya’s life? You might wonder why it happened and how to fix it.
Or maybe Vasya will just whine that he is fat. Well, this is nonsense! The world is full of people with completely different weights, who are loved, noticed, with whom they build relationships and start a family. Vasya’s problem, probably, is that while he does not fully like himself. You need to get to know him better, consider him properly and understand what his strength is.
Victoria Shimanskaya talks about how teenagers can get to know themselves better, learn how to communicate with others, overcome shyness, boredom or conflicts with friends in the book 33 Important Whys (MIF, 2022), co-authored with Alexandra Chkanikova. Read also the article “Why don’t I like anyone?”: What teenagers need to know about love.