The editors of the Psychologos do not in any way share the position of this article and cite it only as an example of sick psychotherapy. Apparently, unfortunately, the author of the article has never met really successful people.
Let’s start with dictionaries. What is success?
Ushakov’s dictionary says that success is luck, in a conceived business, a successful achievement of a goal.
In Dahl’s dictionary, the word success comes from the word catch up.
What is a successful person?
This is a man who does not make mistakes. He is loved by all without exception, and wherever he appears, he is always visible. He is healthy, well-dressed, he is always in a great mood, everyone is happy for him (and those who are not happy are those malicious and envious losers).
He has a great career. If he is employed, then his superiors idolize him and offer partnerships. If he is the owner of his enterprise, then only dedicated, smart, clean-handed, interested employees and partners work with him. Customers adore him and line up in long queues.
Of course his financial situation is excellent. He does not have to think about where to get money for a Lamborghini as a gift to his wife on the wedding day. And even more so, he never suffered from the question of where to get money for mittens to his son.
He is the master of his own time. He was never reproached for lack of attention by his wife, because he is always at home when he is needed. He attends all important events for children (and he has at least two of them) events — football matches, amateur concerts, and not only attends, but also often participates in the organization. He always comes to the aid of friends, and he has many of them. He always finds time for their holidays, he is ready to have a night or two with them, or even hit the road somewhere for a week.
He doesn’t work at night. He arrives on time for all business meetings and looks and smells like he just stepped off the cover of a magazine. Employees are delighted with it, and partners always offer the most profitable deals. He spends as much time at work as he wants. He doesn’t have rashes. And suppliers always fulfill their obligations.
He is adored by his beautiful wife. She never has a bad mood, she herself is successful, so she idolizes her pet and is always happy with everything. After all, he is impeccable both in sex and in communication.
Their children are always prudent, excellent students, and clean. Team captains, born leaders, endowed with not hefty health and excellent character. They are never capricious, always fulfill the requirements of adults and at the same time are very independent and purposeful.
They always rest in the best hotels. Their friends are as brilliant as they are. They never even encountered a runny nose, not to mention more serious illnesses. Their parents are always proud of them, do not get sick, and never teach them how to live!
That’s what successful people are. And if you don’t fit that description, then you’re a loser! And it’s time to start making changes in your worthless life!
There are just a few but…
There are no people who never get sick. It is impossible to get results without devoting time to work. And in general, there is no such amount of time that would be ideally enough for everything. There are 24 hours in a day. There are no ideal children obedient and initiative at the same time, either one or the other. Etc.
Of course, I exaggerated that picture of a successful person that you read. And it didn’t go far from the truth. Each of us has a picture of absolute success in our head that we fall short of, and often we don’t live up to these ideas precisely because they are absurd. Well, for the sake of interest, sit down now and write a small essay — “I am successful.” And look what happens, you describe a utopia in which there is no place for normal life troubles. That is, the character you want to match cannot be a living person.
The description I have given you is partly based on complaints from my clients. They feel unsuccessful because — there is not enough money to dress in Paris, parents are sick, the boss is unhappy, children do not obey, conflicts in the family, business is alive, but not booming around the world and customers, although they are satisfied but you need to work with them, or not in the life of female happiness, because there are no decent (read — ideal) men (women).
In general, our heads are full of absurdity, which makes us feel like miserable losers.
I ask you to think about this.
At the beginning of the article, I specifically cited excerpts from dictionaries. The first says that Success is the successful achievement of a goal, which means a certain point. As a rule, the final in a particular process. And we tend to think about success over time. That is, success is the result. And we want to stretch it into a process.
When we go to a result, there is always a moment of overcoming and learning (unless, of course, we are building something new, and not automating what has already been repeatedly achieved). In the process of learning, mistakes are inevitable, because a mistake is an indicator that we are learning. In general, I talk about errors in more detail in many webinars and audio courses, so I won’t dwell on this now.
When we learn something new, we inevitably encounter discomfort and unpleasant states. And this is absolutely normal, this is how our brain works. When we perform habitual actions, neurons run along the «beaten» paths. And when we need to do something new, these paths still need to be created for neurons, they move across virgin soil, and this is not the most comfortable experience. So it turns out that the path to success is always difficult and you need to go through discomfort.
I also want to note that in any process, always, I repeat, always, there are stages of development, decline and the so-called plateau, when it seems that nothing is happening. Therefore, it is impossible with all the desire to move only forward and upward. And a normal attitude to recessions and stops saves psychic energy.
Another myth is that successful people never feel miserable and weak. Nonsense! How they feel! Only use these feelings as a springboard for correcting the situation, and do not revel in them. And the more painful the feeling of our own insignificance, the more we have the motivation to get rid of it. And this means the more energy to perform beautiful and powerful actions. The more desire to win. In general, you don’t need to get rid of the feeling of not loving yourself, and the feeling “I’m a loser”, you can’t brush it off and drive it into a far corner, you don’t need to convince yourself that this is not so. We must take and act!
Picasso, waking up almost every morning, arranged for his wife a whining session about his own worthlessness and mediocrity. And the poor woman spent hours convincing him that this was not true. And after such a life-affirming start to the day, he locked himself in the workshop to prove to himself and the world his own genius.
I do not urge you to turn into evil whiners who poison the lives of others. Our task is that these experiences would provoke activity, and not paralyze.
Well, once again I will stop about the fact that there can be no “successful” living person. Because living people are not a point in time, not a frozen photograph at the moment of receiving an award. We go through different stages. And very often, in order to come to a winning point, you need to go through a very large number of failures. Moreover, having come to victory, we cannot stop time, we have to move on and again strive for something. And this means moving again through discomfort and conflicts, which, by the way, are also indicators of development.
Many literary works, many films show how the hero changes through internal and external conflicts, becomes stronger and eventually comes to victory.
The second interpretation of the word success that I chose from the dictionaries suggests that the word success in Russian comes from the word to be in time. You may be on time, or you may be late. And this is another reason for neurosis of success. We drive ourselves, we run at breakneck speed, not giving ourselves time to gather strength. And our life instead of flowing organically turns into a frantic race.
While for clear action, thoughtfulness is needed, and not convulsive movement. And the growth of skill is not a fast process. Success is good at 17 and 40 and even at 60 does not lose its charm. In addition, each of us already has points of success behind us. Therefore, internal haste and tension are absolutely unnecessary. And they deprive us of the energy that could be directed to achieve a result. Which will again be followed by a process. And so on until the very last point.
And finally, I want to offer you a simple exercise that in a month (if you do it) will greatly change your sense of self, and some of my clients say that it will also attract success into your life.
This exercise describes Bodo Schaefer. You need every day, for a month, to write down in a diary 5 things per day in which you have achieved success today.
That’s all, perhaps. I wish you many, many successes!