Mom, dad, am I a contract family?

They met, fell in love, got married, gave birth to children, raised them, let them out into the adult world, waited for grandchildren, celebrated a golden wedding… This good old image of a friendly and happy family seemed to never be overthrown from its pedestal. Today, however, divorce has become commonplace and is not as dramatized as twenty years ago.

“The mother of my children and I broke up as a couple, but we still take care of them in equal proportions and are good friends, while everyone has their own relationship,” says 35-year-old Vladimir. “The children have an extended family and two homes.” Such relationships of separated parents have become almost the norm.

But here’s what Russia is not yet used to, this is contract parenting. In today’s Europe, this model of relations is becoming more and more common, while in our country it is just beginning to be tried. How does it differ from a traditional union and how is it attractive?

Marriage for friendship and convenience

There are several options for such a contract. For example, two create relationships not as partners, but as parents – solely in order to give birth, raise and raise a child. That is, no love and no sex. It’s just that both want to have children and agree on the “Child” project, calculating budgets, keeping house.

This is what 32-year-old Gennady and his girlfriend did: “We have known each other since school, we have never had an affair, we are great friends. Both really want children. I think we’ll be super mom and dad. I know her parents, she mine. Therefore, we do not expect unpleasant surprises in terms of heredity, characters or bad habits. Isn’t that enough? Now we have moved on to the implementation of our project. Both are undergoing examination and preparing for pregnancy with the help of IVF.”

Or it could be like this: they lived and were like a couple, loved each other, and then something changed, and the child already exists and both parents love him. This is not the case when partners live together “for the sake of a daughter or son” out of guilt before them, tormenting each other with scandals and hatred, and waiting 18 years to finally run away. And they simply rationally decide to be together under the same roof as parents, but to lead their personal lives separately. And no claims to each other.

This decision was made by 29-year-old Alena and 30-year-old Eduard, who got married 7 years ago for love. Now their daughter is 4 years old. They decided that the lack of love is not a reason to disperse and disperse from a common apartment.

“We have assigned responsibilities around the house, made a cleaning schedule, grocery shopping, take turns taking care of our daughter and her activities. Both me and Edik are working,” Alena explains. – We are good people, but no longer lovers, although we live in the same apartment. We agreed so because the daughter has the right to one house and both parents nearby. It’s fair to her and to each other.”

But a couple of 39-year-old Andrei and 35-year-old Katerina have not been able to conceive a child for more than 10 years, despite all the possibilities of new technologies. Katerina’s friend offered to bear Andrey’s child.

“I don’t have the opportunity to raise him myself,” says 33-year-old Maria. – Probably, God did not give me something in terms of the instinct of motherhood, some important spiritual components. And there are people who only think about it. I am happy that my egg helped my friends to become happy. I can see how my son grows up, take part in his life, but they are the best parents for him.

At first, new family relationships can be shocking: their difference from what was considered a model before is too great! But they have their own advantages.

“Unfortunate” photos

New relationships between partners imply honesty. Adults “on the shore” agree on a responsible decision to become a mom and dad and distribute responsibilities. They do not expect love and fidelity from each other, they do not have unjustified demands.

“It seems to me that this removes a huge headache from the parents and broadcasts to the child: “We do not play any games, we do not disguise ourselves as a loving couple. We are your parents,” comments Amir Tagiyev, business coach, specialist in working with children and adolescents. “At the same time, parents can be quite happy.”

And the child in this case sees around him happy as a maximum and calm – at least – adults.

The situation is much more complicated in traditional families: there, according to Amir Tagiyev, often “lies thrive in incredible bouquets”, relationships are full of betrayals, insults, claims. A man and a woman would have divorced long ago, but they are “held” by a child. As a result, all the anger of the parents against each other pours out on him.

“In my conversations with teenagers, the topic of photo albums often pops up,” explains Amir Tagiyev. – Here in the photo are happy young dad and mom, and here they are unhappy when the child appeared. They have concerned faces. You and I understand that they have matured, they really have worries. But the child does not have this understanding. He sees how it was and how it became. And he concludes: “I ruined everything for them with my appearance. It’s because of me that they constantly swear.” I wonder what kind of faces we will see in the photo albums of “contractual” families …

Change of values

In the classic version of the family, it was assumed that living together is possible without love, says Alexander Wenger, a child psychologist and specialist in clinical developmental psychology.

Considerations of duty, decency, stability played a much greater role: “The emotional side of the relationship was given much less importance than today. Previously, the leading value in society, which was inevitably projected onto the model of the family, was collectivism. The principle worked: people are cogs. We don’t care about feelings. Conformism was encouraged – a change in behavior under the influence of social pressure. Now activity, independence in making decisions and actions, individualism are encouraged. 30 years ago, we Russians experienced a powerful social turning point, when the old system actually died out, and the new one is still being built.”

And in this new model that is being built, the interests of the individual come to the fore. Love has become important in a relationship, and if it is not there, then there seems to be no point in being together. Previously, if a husband and wife fell out of love with each other, it was considered natural: love passes, but the family remains. But along with new values, instability came into our lives, and the world became atomized, the psychologist believes. The tendency to “disintegrate into atoms” also penetrates the family. It focuses less and less on “we” and more and more on “I”.

Confused adults

In the new system of the world order, the “I” of our children gradually began to manifest itself more clearly, which affects their relationship with their parents. So, modern teenagers claim greater independence from their “ancestors”. “They, as a rule, are better than fathers and mothers in the virtual world,” explains Alexander Wenger. “But their everyday dependence on adults is only growing, which exacerbates the teenage conflict. And the old ways of resolving conflicts become unacceptable. If past generations regularly beat children, now it has ceased to be the norm and has become a socially unacceptable form of education. And then, I think, there will be fewer and fewer physical punishments.

The consequence of rapid changes is the confusion of parents, the psychologist believes. Previously, the model that was brought up generation after generation was simply reproduced in the next round of the family system. But today’s parents do not understand: if the son got into a fight, should we scold him for assault or praise him for winning? How to respond, how to properly prepare children for the future, when in the present the old attitudes instantly become obsolete? Including the idea of ​​the need for close communication between family members.

Today, both in Europe and in Russia, there is a trend to minimize attachments.

“A person easily moves in space, he does not cling to a house, city, country,” states Amir Tagiyev. – My German acquaintance sincerely wondered why to buy an apartment: “What if you want to move? You can rent!” The reluctance to be attached to a particular place extends to other attachments. This applies to partners, and tastes, and habits. In a family where there is no cult of affection, the child will have more freedom, a clearer sense of himself as a person and the right to say what he thinks, to live as he wants. Such children will be more self-confident.

Respect Lessons

Self-confidence in a child, according to Amir Tagiyev, appears when he understands: “This world needs me, and the world needs me”, when he grows up in a family where he knows exactly what his parents need, and they need him. That, having come into this world, he increased the joy of other people. And not vice versa.

“The new models of relations are built on an open agreement, and, hopefully, in them all participants will have enough mutual respect. I don’t see any risks for children. You can expect that if people specifically live together for the sake of the child, then at least they will take care of him seriously enough, because this is their main goal, ”stresses Alexander Wenger.

“The relationship between father and mother in a family of a contractual type is not about subordination (the husband is the head of the family, or vice versa), but about partnership – honest, open, spoken to the smallest detail: from time with a child to the financial contribution of each,” says Amir Tagiyev . – Here the value is different – equal rights and obligations and mutual respect. For a child, this is the truth in which he will grow up. This is the antithesis of the model that prevails now, when a parent knows better how a son or daughter lives, with whom to be friends, what to do, what to dream about and where to do after school. Where the teacher knows better what to read, what to learn and what to feel at the same time.

Should we expect that the future belongs to contract parenting? Rather, it is a “growing pain”, a transitional stage, the business coach is sure. The pendulum has swung from the position “Children are the fruit of love” to “For the sake of the child, I am ready for a relationship without feelings for a partner.”

“This model is not final, but it will shake up society and force us to reconsider relationships within the family. And we ask ourselves questions: do we know how to negotiate? Are we ready to listen to each other? Are we able to respect a child from the cradle? Amir Tagiyev sums up.

Perhaps, on such families, society will be able to learn, like on a simulator, the ability to build partnerships in a different way. And a family in a changing world will find a place for both a child and love.