Self-love is often described as living for pleasure, arrogance, or selfishness. This is not so, argues psychologist Sara-Len Mutivasequa: this feeling contains many meanings, and it is perhaps the most important thing in life.
We’ve all heard how important it is to love yourself, but what does that really mean? We eat because we know we need nourishment—it’s instinct. With self-love, everything is much more complicated. Sadly, many are desperately fighting for success, recognition and happiness, but they do not understand that everything begins with self-love.
We cannot truly love someone until we learn to love ourselves unconditionally. It’s simple: you can’t give another what you don’t have yourself. The perception of such love is laid down in childhood and is most often formed unconsciously: we learn it by observing those who educate us.
Loving yourself is more than wearing fancy clothes and wearing expensive makeup. This is a broad concept that combines many meanings, material and spiritual. There are many well-groomed and beautifully dressed people in the world who have no idea what true self-love means. There is no selfishness in it — only a manifestation of kindness to others, because the one who loves himself does not shift his problems onto others.
Such love is made up of four aspects: self-awareness, self-esteem, self-respect and self-care. If at least one falls out, it means that we do not love ourselves very much. The path to this love lies through opposition to the inner «demons». This is not easy: not everyone dares to have a frank conversation with themselves. Dependence on others and habits forces us to compromise — to exchange an unconditional feeling for short-term pleasures. That is why it is so difficult to love ourselves: we have to get rid of specific tendencies and even people.
Let’s take a closer look at the four components of self-love.
consciousness
It’s about the ability to control the psyche: to be aware of how thoughts affect emotions and how emotions affect actions. Can you identify what thoughts trigger anger and make you act impulsively? Where did they come from and how are they explained? Why did you do this and not otherwise? The same goes for joyful feelings. Why are you having fun? This means looking at yourself from the outside in order to understand your condition.
Self-awareness is the key to emotional intelligence. Determining the cause of your anger doesn’t mean you stop being angry, but it can help you respond smarter or not respond at all. People with high emotional intelligence have the same emotions as everyone else, but they know how to manage them. Including avoiding situations that cause unwanted feelings and reactions. When it is not possible to smooth out the conflict or avoid it at all, self-awareness allows you to redirect negative energy in a constructive direction. One way to develop self-awareness is to keep a diary of thoughts, emotions, and actions.
Self-concept
Since the world is constantly unfortunate, we unwittingly focus on the bad news and transfer all the negativity to ourselves, we ourselves do not want to. We are born with unlimited potential that lasts a lifetime. Everyone has it, only some use it, while others do not notice it. Self-esteem is our attitude towards ourselves, and very often it is far from the best. The reason for this is the past bad experience that we lived, but failed to let go.
Adequate self-esteem lies in the ability to see your best sides (after all, there is good in everyone). If you’re trying to regain your self-esteem, take an hour to remember all the times you’ve been successful and the people who thanked you. What if you think you’re worthless just because you don’t know your worth? Self-esteem has no criteria: you don’t need to achieve something in order to appreciate yourself. You are you. Your virtues, talents, good deeds — all these are confirmations of your worth.
Self-esteem
High self-esteem is the realization of one’s worth, regardless of achievements and outstanding qualities, but self-respect is tied to them. The exercise mentioned above raises self-esteem, but it also works to build self-esteem. When the first rises, the second rises after it.
Self-esteem depends on three factors: how much we were loved as children, what our peers have achieved, and what we ourselves have achieved compared to our parents. This also means living at peace with ourselves and being content with who we are, where we are and what we own. If you want to respect yourself, increase your self-esteem. Remind yourself every day that you don’t have to answer to anyone for how you live.
Taking care of yourself
This aspect is more connected with the body, although not only with it. Self-care includes everything we do for our health: take a bath, eat a balanced diet, drink enough water, rest and pamper ourselves. It has other forms too: the music we listen to, the movies and programs we watch, the people we interact with. Taking care of yourself is pretty easy. Start with this and you will gradually learn to love yourself.
Ask yourself as often as possible: “What would someone who loves himself do?” Ask this question whenever you need to make a decision, whether simple or complex. This simple exercise comes with one hint and one warning.
Tip: trust your instincts, your «I» knows what it needs.
Warning: you may not like what your instincts say, and that’s okay. But still go on. Good luck!
About the author: Sarah-Len Mutiwasekwa is a psychologist, co-founder and associate director of the International Institute of Emotional Health, and author of psychological rehabilitation programs for Africans.