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Today, more and more often you can hear the rhetorical question: “How will others love you if you don’t love yourself?” And it’s not for nothing that he is so popular: after all, being in a relationship with a person with low self-esteem is really not easy. What if you find yourself in this exact situation?
We’ve all heard—and sometimes learned the hard way—about how difficult it is to be in a relationship with a narcissist or abuser. However, according to psychotherapist Kurt Smith, building a healthy relationship with a partner who does not love himself is also not easy.
“The fact is that such a partner usually loves you too much, and as a result this translates into a co-dependent relationship. Sooner or later, this burden may turn out to be unbearable for you, ”he said.
The natural way out of this situation is to make your partner love you. To convince, to show that he is really worthy of this love. But the truth is that these are internal changes in another person, which we can hardly influence, and therefore it is important to be aware of the limits of our capabilities.
1. Recognize that you can’t fix someone else’s problems
Self-esteem is a product of inner work: the seeds of self-hatred are usually sown in the early stages of life, and the fruits have to be dealt with already in adulthood, working alone or in tandem with a psychologist. “It’s important to acknowledge that your partner has self-esteem issues and accept it,” advises family therapist Shari Fus. “Realize the impact that your partner’s condition has on you, and convey it to him in the most correct form.”
“You can say something along the lines of: “you know, it can be difficult to love you when you constantly reproach and scold yourself” or “it would be great if you could turn to someone for help, because it’s wrong that you only talk to me,” agrees Smith.
2. Be a mirror
A person with low self-esteem always has a list of what is wrong with him: he allegedly does not cope with his current job, which means he will not get a promotion, he allegedly does not know how to behave in a company, he allegedly will never achieve what he dreamed of …
You, as his partner, have a unique opportunity to be a mirror for him, in which only his best features are reflected. “At every opportunity, calmly, sincerely, and consistently point out in conversation those qualities that you like in your loved one, things that you admire,” Smith advises. — You can say, for example, «I should learn from you the ability to conduct business», or «I have never met such honest people as you» before.
3. When problems arise in a relationship, don’t be afraid to discuss them.
Fear of hurting a partner can push us to keep our problems quiet and not openly state our needs. You should not do this, otherwise sooner or later you will most likely reach the boiling point and explode.
According to family therapist Winifred Reilly, you can’t tiptoe all the time — it only hurts you as a couple. “Don’t like your partner texting while driving or leaving wet towels on the bed? Say so. Be prepared for the fact that the partner will be offended, and try to accept it calmly, without guilt, ”the expert is sure.
4. Celebrate your partner’s successes
Insecure people often tend to conduct internal monologues, belittling and devaluing their own achievements. When they really succeed, they do not celebrate success, believing that there is “nothing special” in it or that they are “just lucky,” but they easily find arguments to support their low opinion of themselves.
If you know that a loved one is his own harshest critic, become the one who will cheer him up and focus on achievements. “Every time someone compliments or praises your partner, focus on it,” Smith suggests. — Rejoice at every promotion, new friends or new hobby. Sooner or later, the partner, perhaps, will learn to treat himself this way.
Have you ever treated yourself the way your partner treats themselves? Tell us how you managed to overcome this, advises psychologist Sanam Hafiz: “A person with low self-esteem, as a rule, is alone with his feelings, and it can be very useful to know that someone close to you coped with a similar condition.”
6. Consider Seeking Psychological Help
As mentioned earlier, self-esteem is a product of inner work, but this process usually proceeds more efficiently if we seek help from a specialist, psychotherapist Marsha Naomi Berger is sure. In addition, it is better for relationships, because if a partner turns to a specialist for support, we cease to act as a “savior”.
On the other hand, it’s not out of place for us to ask for help ourselves, even if we think that we are quite confident in ourselves: something pushed us to start a relationship with a partner who is insecure, and it would be nice to figure it out . Through therapeutic support, the union can become healthier: we will move from a child-adult relationship to an equal partnership of two adults who love each other.