How to help the elder to welcome the second?

Prepare the oldest child for the arrival of the second child

When the second child arrives, the oldest must be prepared … Our advice

When the second arrives, how will the older child react?

Sure, you are expecting a second child. Great happiness mixed with stress: how will the elder take the news? Certainly, you and her father have not decided to have a second baby to please her, but because you both want it. No reason therefore to feel guilty. You just have to find the right way and the right time to announce it. No need to do it too early, it is better to wait until the pregnancy is well established and the risk of losing the announced baby subsides. A small child lives in the present and on its scale, nine months is an eternity! As soon as he knows he’s going to have a brother or sister, you’ll hear thirty times a day: “When’s the baby coming?” “! However, many children guess their mom’s pregnancy without being told. They vaguely feel that their mother has changed, that she is more tired, emotional, sometimes sick, they capture snatches of conversations, looks, attitudes… And they are worried. Better to reassure them by telling them clearly what is happening. Even if he is only twelve months old, a toddler is able to understand that soon he will no longer be alone with his parents and that the family organization will change.

A future senior needs to be reassured, listened to and valued

Once the announcement is made in simple words, pay attention to the signals sent by your child. Some are proud of this event which gives them importance in the eyes of the outside world. Others remain indifferent until the pregnancy has come to an end. Still others express their aggressiveness by saying that they did not ask for anything or by pretending to kick in the stomach where the “annoyance” is growing. This reaction is neither abnormal nor dramatic because every child, whether he expresses it or not, is crossed by contradictory feelings at the idea of ​​having to soon share the love of his parents. Letting him say that he must “throw the baby in the trash” allows him to vent his anger and increase the chances that things will be okay when the baby is around. What a future senior needs the most is to be reassured, listened to and valued. Show him pictures of him as a baby. Combine it with certain preparations but in small doses. For example, suggest that he choose a gift to welcome the newcomer, only if he wishes. It is not up to him to choose the first name, it is up to you. But you can still associate it with your suggestions and hesitations. On the other hand, it is better not to involve it in the pregnancy itself. Attending ultrasounds or haptonomy sessions is an adult affair, an intimate moment for the couple. It is important to keep some mystery and secrecy.

Each child must find his place

When the newborn arrives home, he is an intruder for the older one. As psychotherapist Nicole Prieur explains: “ The fraternal feeling made up of complicity and solidarity such as all parents dream of is not given straight away, it is built. “What does exist straight away, on the other hand, in the eldest, is a feeling of loss because he is no longer the center of parental and family gaze, he loses his exclusivity in favor of the newcomer who has not. no interest, who bawls all the time and doesn’t even know how to play! It is not necessarily an emotional loss, the elderly know that they are loved by their parents. Their question is: “Do I continue to exist? Will I still have an important place for my parents? This fear generates in him bad feelings towards the “thief of parents”. He thinks it was better before, that he should be brought back to the maternity ward… These negative thoughts send him a negative image of himself, especially since his parents tell him that it is not good to be jealous, that he must be nice to his little brother or his little sister … To restore his slightly scratched self-esteem, it is essential to value him by pointing out everything he can do and not the baby., by showing him all the advantages of his “big” position.

Rivalries and brotherly love: what is at stake between them

Even if you are impatiently waiting for a super-bond to settle between your children, do not force the elder to love his little brother or his little sister … Avoid phrases like: “Be nice, give her a kiss, look how cute she is!” “ Love cannot be ordered, but respect is yes! It is essential that you force the elder to respect his younger sibling, not to be violent, physically or verbally, towards him. And vice versa of course. We know today how much sibling relationships have a powerful impact on identity building and it is advisable to establish from the outset mutual respect. Another common mistake, do not force the “big” to share everything, to lend his toys when the still clumsy little one often handles them brutally and breaks them. Each child must respect the other’s territory and his property. Even if they share the same room, it is necessary to provide common games and spaces that we share and personal games and spaces that the other does not encroach on. Apply the rule: “What is mine is not necessarily yours!” Is necessary for good understanding between brothers and sisters and for alliances to be created. Brotherhood emerges over time. Children are by nature very tempted to have fun with other children. The eldest and the youngest understand that it is more fun to share, to invent new games together, to ally themselves to make the parents go crazy … In each family, each one tries to be the best son, the best girl, the one who will have the central place and you have to push the other to be in the center. But the parents are there to reassure and make people understand that there is room for two, three, four and more!

Is there an ideal age gap between children?

No, but we can say thata 3-4 year old child is better able to cope with the arrival of a second because his position as a grown-up has advantages. An 18 month old child has fewer advantages in being “big”, he too is still a little one. The rule is simple: the closer you are in age (a fortiori if you are of the same sex), the more you are in rivalry and the more difficult it is to build your own identity. When the difference is important, more than 7-8 years, we are very different and the complicity is less.