“Where to find a wealthy man? Every time I step on the same rake — why is that? What do I do if I don’t get a call back after a date? The site’s editor, Yulia Tarasenko, attended several lectures by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky to find out what questions listeners come up with and whether it is possible to become happier in an hour and a half.
Weekdays, evening, the center of Moscow. Winter. The lobby of the Central House of Architects is busy, there is a queue in the cloakroom. Two floors above Labkovsky’s lecture.
The topic is “How to get married”, the gender composition of the audience is clear in advance. The vast majority are women aged 27 to 40 (there are deviations in both directions). There are three men in the hall: a cameraman, a representative of the organizers and Mikhail himself.
A public lecture is not a monologue of a recognized expert, but a short, about ten minutes, introduction and further interactive: ask a question — get an answer. There are two ways to voice a sore point: into a microphone or by passing a note written large, legible and necessarily containing a question.
Mikhail does not answer notes without a question: this, perhaps, could become his seventh rule. First six:
- do just what you want
- don’t do what you don’t want
- just say what you don’t like
- do not answer when not asked
- answer only the question
- sorting things out, talk only about yourself,
One way or another, in his answers to questions from the audience, Mikhail voices them. From the questions, it becomes clear that the topic is wider and more voluminous than it might seem.
At the microphone is a young blonde. There was a relationship with an “ideal” man: handsome, rich, the Maldives and other joys of life. But unemotional. Scandal, dispersed, now he compares everyone with him, no one can stand the competition.
“You are a neurotic,” Mikhail explains. — That man attracted you because he was cold with you. We must change ourselves.
Behind every second story are cold, rejecting fathers. Hence the attraction to those who hurt
— It seems that you want a relationship: to have someone with whom you can talk. But you need to rebuild your life, empty the shelf in the closet, move things away … — the 37-year-old brunette reflects.
“You decide,” Labkovsky throws up his hands. — Or you and one are fine, then you accept the situation as it is. Or you don’t have enough intimacy — then you need to change something.
Behind every other story are cold, rejecting fathers absent from their daughters’ lives or appearing irregularly. Hence the attraction to those who hurt: «both badly together, and separately nothing.» The situation repeats itself: two listeners talk about the fact that each has five marriages behind them. However, this is not the only possible scenario.
— How can I attract a man — secured, so that he earns three times more than me, he could take care if I gather on maternity leave …
— So personal qualities are not important to you at all?
— I did not say that.
But you yourself started with money. Moreover, they announced: the income is three times more than yours. Not two and a half, not four…
— Well, what is wrong?
— It’s right when a woman with healthy self-esteem is looking for a man equal to her. It’s all.
HAPPINESS PILL
Some people come to class prepared. Having studied the rules and trying to follow them, the girl asks a question: she is over 30, she has been together with a young man for two and a half years, but she still refuses to talk seriously about children and marriage — is it possible to start dating someone else at the same time? Time something goes.
The audience laughs — an attempt to get an indulgence seems naive. The hall is generally unanimous: it sighs sympathetically in response to some stories, snorts at others. Even listeners come at approximately the same time: to a lecture on getting out of neurotic relationships in advance, to a lecture on self-esteem — very late. By the way, the lecture on how to make a successful project out of your self-esteem gathers the maximum number of men — 10 people from a room of 150 people.
We come to public lectures for the same reason that almost 30 years ago our parents gathered at the TV screens to watch Kashpirovsky’s sessions. I want a miracle, a quick cure, preferably, the elimination of all problems in one lecture.
In principle, this is possible if you follow the six rules. And we accept some of what we heard with joy: in the world, when everyone calls to leave the comfort zone, to make an effort on oneself, Labkovsky strongly advises not to do this. Don’t feel like going to the gym? So don’t go! And “I barely forced myself, but then I felt a surge of energy” — violence against oneself.
Michael says what most of us need to hear: love yourself just the way you are.
But in especially “neglected” cases, Mikhail honestly says: we need to work with a psychologist (in some cases, a neurologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist). Hearing this, many are offended: the calculation for an instant miracle is too great, the belief in a magical «pill for everything.»
Despite this, lectures continue to gather rather big halls, and not only in Moscow: he has his own listeners in Riga and Kiev, Yekaterinburg, St. Petersburg and other cities. Not least thanks to his demeanor, looseness, humor. And these meetings help participants understand that they are not alone in their problems, what is happening to them is so common that it may well be considered the new normal.
“An interesting feeling: it seems that all people are different, everyone has different backgrounds, and the questions are so similar! — shares Ksenia, 39 years old. “About the same thing we all care about. And this is important: to understand that you are not alone. And there is not even a need to voice your question into the microphone — for sure, during the lecture, others will do it for you, and you will get an answer.
“It’s so great to understand that not wanting to get married is normal! And not to look for your “female destiny” is also normal,” agrees Vera, 33 years old.
It turns out that Michael is saying what most people need to hear: to love yourself the way you are. True, there is work behind this, and to do it or not is the responsibility of everyone.