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It is believed that she destroys the couple. This is evidenced by the stories of jealous people, whose feelings and actions not only ruined relationships, but in some cases led to crimes. But is there a healthy jealousy and what to do if there really are reasons to worry? Unexpected answers from a psychologist.
Jealousy is just a feeling. So it’s okay to experience it. But sometimes it arises for no reason, and this leads to misunderstanding and tension in the relationship. One finds it difficult to deal with strong feelings, while the other is hurt by those feelings.
These stories often have sad endings. Therefore, jealousy has earned a negative reputation. But healthy jealousy is aimed more at maintaining relationships, rather than destroying them.
What kind of jealousy can be considered healthy?
In addition to the personal boundaries of partners, there are boundaries of the couple. Affectionate nicknames, special rituals — all this creates an intimate world where outsiders are forbidden to enter. And if a colleague gives your husband underwear, most likely, this will cause bewilderment or even outrage. With this gesture, she will invade the intimate space of two, violate the boundaries.
In many ways, these rules are conditional and are determined by partners. Free relationships also involve boundaries, they just differ from the framework of a more classic union. When a third person invades the boundaries of a couple, a healthy feeling of jealousy arises. This person is like a stranger who has appeared on the threshold of your house, and his behavior is defiant and inappropriate. Jealousy draws attention to the situation, signals danger. If the relationship is valuable, what is happening cannot but disturb us.
What if there really is a reason to be jealous?
- Track what’s happening to you right now
Jealousy often appears unexpectedly and takes you by surprise. If the unpleasant feeling «floods» to the brim, try to step aside and figure out what happened. What hurt the most, what exactly seemed inappropriate? What feelings are prevailing now?
Who are you angry with first of all — at your partner or at the third person who disturbed your peace? Where is the line that has been crossed? What kind of behavior do you think is appropriate, and what kind of behavior violates the boundaries?
- Pay attention to your partner’s reaction
When there is no doubt that there is a reason for jealousy, pay attention to how your loved one behaved. Did he understand what happened, how did he perceive what happened? Maintaining the boundaries of the relationship is the task of both.
When an unwanted guest knocks on the door, we have a choice: let him in or refuse. Perhaps the partner began to respond to flirting, or maybe he was as taken aback as you are and simply couldn’t find what to answer. His reaction indicates which side of the couple’s border cracked — from the outside or from the inside.
- Talk while on one side of the barricades
In such situations, you often want to release emotions, make a scandal, show how much pain you experienced. This can be followed by both relief and, conversely, an increase in tension between you. Most likely, what happened caused a lot of feelings in the partner, especially if the confusion did not allow him to protect the boundaries. Therefore, it is important to find out how he sees what happened.
The situation can be discussed in different ways. You can stand on opposite sides of the barricades and throw accusations at each other. Or you can leave the awkward situation on one side, and go to the other yourself.
Try to treat what happened as a difficulty that your couple faced. Discuss what happened. How does everyone see the situation, how does he feel about it? What was the most difficult for you and what can be done in a similar situation next time? This is the right moment to exchange views: how do you see the boundaries of the relationship, what actions of others are permissible, and which are unacceptable.
They say jealousy destroys relationships. But more often the reasons for estrangement lie in the inability to establish a dialogue. Talking means not just exchanging remarks, but trying to understand and hear the other.
In dialogue, both become a bit of interpreters. With the help of words, we try to convey inner experiences, often beyond description. We need the interlocutor to understand what exactly angered, upset or offended us. And listening to a partner, we hope to understand what is happening to him.
Simple lines like «I’m angry» say too little about what the other is really experiencing. Without trying to understand what exactly caused the anger, we can draw the wrong conclusions and further move away from each other. Therefore, jealousy is primarily a reason to talk with each other, ask questions to yourself and your partner.