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Family heirlooms that are passed down from generation to generation strengthen or restore the bond between them. These signs of love evoke our gratitude in return, but sometimes they can be rejected. In any case, such gifts leave no one indifferent.
Natalia, 43 years old, dentist
“On the day I moved in with my husband, his mother came to visit us. She took out a bottle of liquor and a small glass from her bag. After filling it, she asked me to drink the contents to the bottom. Then she said: “Welcome to our family, be happy with my son and keep this glass!” I later learned that her mother-in-law once gave her this gift under the same circumstances.”
My feelings: “I was very touched by this gift, because it symbolized my entry into their family. But I couldn’t express my joy. I wanted to hug my mother-in-law, but I thought that she would feel awkward (after all, she is a reserved person), and did not.
Now: “This glass is very dear to me, because I – contrary to all popular beliefs – love my mother-in-law very much. It is curious that she did not give this glass to her son’s first wife, as if she had chosen me as her daughter-in-law. Frankly, I like to think so. In addition, it is dear to me that the succession in our family is through the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, although we are not blood relatives. It’s so unbanal and carries an additional deep meaning.”
In future: “My husband and I have two sons, and this liqueur glass is kept in our sideboard, waiting for the wedding of the eldest. After all, according to tradition, it should be inherited by his future wife.
A violin given by a grandfather to his granddaughter upon entering the conservatory, a pendant – a talisman from an aunt to his niece for good luck, great-grandfather’s chess, a father’s camera … Such gifts, passing from the older generation to the younger, express special feelings that connect the giver and the recipient of the gift. “Choosing one thing out of many, for example, a silver spoon out of ten exactly the same, the donor endows it with a symbolic meaning,” explains psychologist Veronika Nurkova. “Such a gift seems to turn into a piece of his soul and, of course, says a lot about the attitude towards the recipient.” This is the strength and essence of family heirlooms, this explains their role in the history of the family. An old planer, a rustic jug, a glass inkwell… Even the most ordinary things, fitting into the history of the continuity of generations, acquire special significance. “These items help us feel a connection with the past, start a dialogue with it, feel like a link in the chain of generations,” says psychologist Alexandra Suchkova. “And thus satisfy a strong and often unconscious need: to be sure that my lineage continues.” And what drives us when we present such a gift? “Consciously or not, we want to leave a reminder of ourselves, symbolically extend our existence even beyond the threshold of death,” says family psychotherapist Ekaterina Kadieva. But that’s far from the only reason. In many ways, motivation depends on what is considered valuable in the family: the same object can carry a different message. Someone together with him gives part of his wealth, someone – strength, or experience, or knowledge. “We seem to be stretching the thread between generations, reminding children of their roots, instilling in them the values to which we ourselves are committed,” adds Veronika Nurkova.
Lilia, 23 years old, teacher
“My mother gave me this piece of jewelry four years ago, right after the birth of my daughter. She herself received it from my dad when I was born. It was a rare case: dad did not spoil her too much with gifts. Mom used to give me jewelry before, but she always refused to give this pendant away, because she valued it very much.
My feelings: “My mother’s gift moved me to tears. After all, he is a symbol of the love of my parents at the moment of my birth, and his transition to me meant my entry into adulthood. Everyone in our family values jewelry very much, perhaps because gypsy blood flows in us and jewelry from time immemorial has been the main legacy passed down from generation to generation of a nomadic tribe. I also inherited my great-grandmother’s engagement ring and my godmother’s ring. Each of them is significantly more expensive than my mother’s pendant – but it is they that I especially value.
Now: “I never part with him: I am too afraid of losing him. Over time, he began to mean even more to me, because I broke up with my husband. And the pendant remained a symbol of unbreakable love, the love of my parents.”
In future: “Of course, such jewelry has already gone out of fashion, and some jewelers offer to remake the pendant. But for me it is inviolable, and I will not allow anything to be changed in it!
FEEL CONNECTED WITH THE PAST, FEEL YOURSELF A LINK IN THE CHAIN OF GENERATIONS AND BE SURE: MY RELATION CONTINUES.
A handicraft box, a fountain pen, an old medicine bottle… The older members of the family gradually pass the relics on to their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, telling stories related to them. This is the advantage of passing on such a “legacy” during one’s lifetime: it is accompanied by a story that clarifies its meaning and value. After all, passing to the descendants due to the death of the owner, these things will no longer be able to tell anything about themselves. “When we pass family heirlooms from hand to hand, we begin to take a different, calmer attitude towards the thought of death,” says Ekaterina Kadiyeva. “Besides, we leave a memory of ourselves.” There is a tradition to coincide with such gifts for a wedding, the birth of a child, or admission to a university. “Here lies the hope that since the relic is presented at such an important moment for the family, then its significance will be greater,” says Veronika Nurkova. However, it is important to take care that the transfer of the relic occurs at the right time, so that the person to whom we give it is disposed to accept our gift. We may not get the desired reaction to our gift for various reasons: for example, we have chosen the wrong time for this, the younger generation is indifferent to the “evidence of the past”, or envy and jealousy arise between relatives. “Some people find it unpleasant to feel like a part of this particular family, someone does not like the place assigned to him in family history. Or his own personal history worries him more than the history of the family, – explains Ekaterina Kadieva. “And sometimes a relic obliges so much, sets the bar so high that a person prefers to get rid of the inheritance and not bear this burden.”
Read more:
- Take offense at … a gift
George, 34, writer
“Ten years ago, my grandfather gave me these cassettes with the words: “Maybe you are not very interested in hearing about my life, well, when I die, still listen.” Of course, I did not wait for his death.
My feelings: “For me, this gift is a real treasure, because I always felt my special connection with my grandfather, the only creative person in our family. Thanks to these cassettes, I got to know him better and discovered a lot in common between us.”
Now: “These cassettes contain all the values that my grandfather passed on to me: his passionate love for music (and I can’t imagine my life without it), his optimism, broad-mindedness, categorical rejection of conformism. He abandoned standard training and became a unique organ maker, then married a woman ten years his senior. He himself chose his life path and today he does not regret anything. He is a role model for me.”
In future: “I want to transfer these cassettes to digital media so that the recording does not disappear. I value her too much! Maybe someday I will write a book based on these stories, and these stories will take on a new life. But it’s still too early to talk about it: my grandfather is alive, and I’m just a careful keeper of his legacy.”
The object received can stir up the old resentment, recall the suffering experienced, for example, about the years of the father’s indifference to the son’s existence. In this case, the reaction of the recipient of the gift will depend on whether he is ready to restore good relations. A gift can be decisively rejected or accepted with a polite smile. The more complex the relationship between generations, the greater the risk that these kinds of gifts will reopen past wounds. The value of a relic in our eyes directly depends on the experience we have experienced and what kind of relationship we have with the donor. That’s why conflicts around inheritance are often so violent. At first glance, material values are the subject of the dispute, but in fact, behind this lie the feelings due to the lack of love and attention from the departed relative – and it doesn’t matter if this is really the case, or we just think so. Other gifts can gather dust on distant shelves and “ripen” to the status of a relic for many years. What makes us wake up and realize their value? “A forgotten gift, an unnecessary object is remembered at a time when our own psychological strength is running out, when we are acutely experiencing our loneliness, failure, when we cannot cope with circumstances,” explains Alexandra Suchkova. “It reminds us that we are not alone, it makes it possible to feel the support of our loved ones: my ancestor was able (to overcome difficulties, to achieve something) – which means I can too.” Relic gifts comfort and reconcile us – that is why it is better when we pass them on to descendants in advance, while still in this world. The main thing is not to make a mistake and choose the right moment and addressee.
Pass the tests
- Are you good at giving gifts?