Contents
To be heard without shouting is the dream of many parents of naughty children. Patience ends, fatigue leads to breakdowns, and because of them, in turn, the child’s behavior deteriorates even more. How to return joy to communication? Family therapist Jeffrey Bernstein writes about this.
“The only way to get through to my child is to yell at him,” many parents say in desperation. Family therapist Jeffrey Bernstein is convinced that this statement is actually far from the truth. He cites a case from his practice and talks about Maria, who came to him for advice as a parent coach.
“While sobbing during our first phone call, she spoke about the effects of her screaming on the children that morning.” Maria described a scene in which her ten-year-old son was lying on the floor, and her daughter was sitting in a state of shock in a chair in front of her. The deafening silence brought her mother back to her senses, and she realized how horribly she had behaved. The silence was soon broken by his son, who threw a book at the wall and ran out of the room.
Like many parents, the “red flag” for Mary was her son’s persistent unwillingness to do housework. She was tormented by the thought: “He just does not take anything upon himself and hangs everything on me!” Maria went on to say that her son Mark, a third grader with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), often fails to do his homework. And it also happened that after the painful drama that accompanied their joint work on the “homework”, he simply forgot to hand it over to the teacher.
“I hate having to manage Mark. I just broke down and yelled to finally force him to change his behavior, ”Maria admitted at a session with a psychotherapist. Like many exhausted parents, she had only one option left for communication — screaming. But, fortunately, in the end, she found alternative ways to communicate with a naughty child.
«The child must respect me!»
Sometimes parents overreact to a child’s behavior when they think the child is not being respectful. And yet, according to Jeffrey Bernstein, mothers and fathers of rebellious children are often too eager to get proof of such respect.
Their demands, in turn, only fuel the resistance of the child. Rigid parental stereotypes, the therapist emphasizes, lead to unrealistic expectations and excessive emotional reaction. “The paradox is that the less you scream for respect from your child, the more he will eventually respect you,” writes Bernstein.
Shifting to calm, confident, and non-controlling thinking
“If you don’t want to yell at your child anymore, you need to seriously change the way you express your feelings and emotions,” Bernstein advises his clients. Your child may initially roll their eyes or even laugh as you introduce the alternatives to screaming described below. But rest assured, the lack of disruption will pay off in the long run.”
In an instant, people do not change, but the less you scream, the better the child will behave. From his own practice, the psychotherapist concluded that changes in the behavior of children can be seen within 10 days. The main thing is not to forget that you and your child are allies, not opponents.
The more understanding moms and dads have that they are working in the same team, at the same time with the children, and not against them, the more effective the changes will be. Bernstein recommends that parents think of themselves as coaches, emotional «coaches» for children. Such a role does not jeopardize the role of a parent — quite the contrary, the authority will only be strengthened.
Coach Mode helps adults free their egos from being the resentful, frustrated, or powerless parent. Adopting a coaching mentality helps to stay calm in order to rationally guide and encourage the child. And keeping calm is extremely important for those who raise naughty children.
Four ways to stop yelling at your kids
- The most effective education is your own example. Therefore, the best way to teach a son or daughter discipline is to demonstrate self-control, the skills to manage their emotions and behavior. It is very important to understand how both the child and the adults themselves feel. The more parents demonstrate awareness of their own emotions, the more the child will do the same.
- No need to waste energy trying to win a futile power struggle. A child’s negative emotions can be seen as opportunities for intimacy and learning. “They do not threaten your power. Your goal is to have constructive conversations to solve problems,” says Bernstein to his parents.
- In order to understand your child, you need to remember what it means in general — to be a schoolboy, a student. The best way to find out what’s going on with children is to lecture them less and listen more.
- It is important to remember about sympathy, empathy. It is these qualities of parents that help children find words to denote and explain their own emotions. You can support them in this with the help of feedback — with understanding returning to the child his own words about experiences. For example, he is upset and mom says, “I can see that you are very upset,” helping to identify and talk about your strong emotions, rather than showing them in bad behavior. Parents should avoid comments like, «You shouldn’t feel disappointed,» Bernstein reminds.
Being a mom or dad to a naughty child is sometimes hard work. But for both children and parents, communication can become more joyful and less dramatic if adults find the strength to change the tactics of education, listening to the advice of a specialist.
About the Author: Jeffrey Bernstein is a family psychologist and “parent coach.”