Contents
- Why is the child offended?
- How to respond to insults
- 1. Don’t ignore your child’s feelings
- 2. Explain to your child why you are doing this.
- 3. Suggest a solution to the problem for the future or come up with one with your child
- 4. Give your child time to accept the situation, experience grief, let go of anger
- 5. Teach your child to talk about their experiences
The child was offended. What to do? Often parents feel helpless, try to appease or intimidate him, just to stop being offended. But are they doing the right thing? What is child abuse and how to deal with it?
Kristina has not spoken to her mother for seven years. She sits motionless, frowning, looking at one point. She was offended. The girl cannot put on her favorite dress, it is in the wash.
Five-year-old Artem asks to stay on the playground. He sits down, hides his face, puffs out his cheeks and cries: «I’m not going anywhere.» So Artem is offended. He was offended that it was time to leave the site on which he likes.
Every parent faces childhood abuse. How to react? Let the child put on a dirty dress or insist on his own? Stay on the set and miss a doctor’s appointment? Before answering these questions, let’s look at what resentment is and why it occurs in a child.
Why is the child offended?
Resentment is an expression of anger, indignation at unfair treatment from the point of view of the child. It arises in the address of parents, friends, people with whom valuable relationships are formed. Strangers are not offended. Thus, there is love in resentment. So the child says: “You are doing me wrong. I feel bad. Change your behavior.»
There are times when an adult really acts unfairly. For example, a child on a scooter drove onto the road. The parent was frightened, scolded the child and insulted him in the heat of the moment. In a situation where you feel guilty, apologize. But quite often, children are offended when their parents are not to blame. So there were circumstances: the dress was in the wash, the time for a walk was over.
When a child is offended, some adults seek to calm him down, give in, offer something to comfort him. “We can’t stay on the playground. But after the doctor, I will buy you a toy,” the mother says to her son. Other parents get angry, scold the child, demand that he stop whining. He, frightened, learns to hide his feelings.
How to respond to insults
It is unpleasant to experience resentment both for the child and for the parent who is nearby. All feelings are necessary: they help us to understand desires and satisfy them. Therefore, it is important to teach the child to understand their feelings and express them constructively.
1. Don’t ignore your child’s feelings
Explain to him what is happening to him. This is necessary so that the child learns to recognize his feelings. «You’re offended because I can’t give you your favorite dress.» Or “You were offended by me because you have to leave the site.” This will not change the behavior of the child. He will still be offended. But he will see that he is understood and accepted in this state.
He will learn to recognize his feelings and understand their cause. If you made a mistake in the cause of resentment, then the child will correct you.
One day my kids and I were playing a board game. Grisha lost and cried.
“You were upset because you lost,” I said.
— Not. When I lost, Pasha laughed at me.
— You were upset because Pasha laughed after you lost.
You kind of tell the child, “This is what happened to you. I understand you».
2. Explain to your child why you are doing this.
“You’re offended because I can’t give you your favorite dress. I would like to give it to you, but it’s in the wash, I won’t have time to wash it. We need to visit now.
— You are offended because I ask you to leave the site. But we have an appointment with a doctor.
3. Suggest a solution to the problem for the future or come up with one with your child
We will come to the playground tomorrow and you will play.
We will wash your dress and you can wear it when it is dry.
4. Give your child time to accept the situation, experience grief, let go of anger
Calmly empathize, stay with him in his feelings. Get over the hurt with your child.
5. Teach your child to talk about their experiences
This will help a personal example — talk about your feelings. For example: «I’m happy for you» (when the child got a high mark in school). Or: «I get angry when you call names on your brother.»
Resentment is a complex feeling. But it is quite possible to deal with it. And at the same time to teach the child to understand, name their experiences and look for a solution in a difficult situation.