What to do if the quarantine took you by surprise at the time of the divorce? Psychologist Ann Bouchot strongly recommends considering that the pandemic is stressful for everyone, and gives recommendations on how to survive it, even being under the same roof with almost already “ex”.
When the crisis hit, some had an important event planned — for example, a wedding or … a divorce. The situation itself is stressful, and now the stress of the pandemic with all the accompanying experiences has been added to it. How can you not feel completely lost here?
Quarantine has a huge impact on mental health, says psychologist and expert in family relations and divorce Anne Bouchot. At first, many experience irritability, confusion, anger, and denial. If this period is prolonged, fears of illness and financial crisis, feelings of loneliness, disappointment and boredom intensify.
Add fuel to the fire and conflicting news and anxiety for loved ones, and we all react differently. Some stock up, others find solace in volunteering to help older and more vulnerable neighbors and acquaintances. Those who work from home are forced to look after children at the same time, and in some cases literally go through the school curriculum with them. Small business owners fear big losses. Even children who suddenly drop out of their usual routine are confused and feel the tension of their elders. General stress increases.
But what about those who are in a state of divorce? Who recently filed documents or was about to get a stamp in their passport, or maybe go through a court procedure? The future now seems even more uncertain. The courts are closed, the opportunity to personally meet with your consultant — a psychotherapist, a lawyer or a lawyer, or maybe just a friend who supported or helped with advice — was gone. Even holding a video call is not easy, because the whole family is locked at home. It is especially difficult if both spouses are in the same room.
Economic uncertainty makes it impossible to come to any financial agreement. The lack of clarity about income and employment itself makes any discussions and travel plans difficult.
Pause all global decisions. Crisis is not the best time for them
Drawing on her experience in counseling couples, Anne Bouchaud offers some advice to those who have been caught in a divorce situation by the pandemic.
1. Take care of yourself. Find ways to communicate with friends — by phone or in messengers. Take time to slow down and breathe. Disconnect from news sources as much as possible.
2. If you have children, talk to them, explain what’s going on in a language they can understand. Say that everything will pass. Even if you are very scared, try not to pass on your condition to your children.
3. Make a list of pleasant things and start doing them. Sort out closets, read books, watch movies, cook.
4. Don’t make impulsive decisions. Don’t make big deals. Boredom can trigger unhealthy reactions, such as cravings for overeating or alcohol abuse. Try to be more active, call your friends, start a diary, spend more time with your kids, set aside periods for rest, cleaning and other household chores. You may be able to develop a more trusting and companionable relationship with your spouse if you find ways to express your sympathy and appreciation to him or her.
5. Pause all global decisions. The crisis is not the best time for them. Perhaps it will be possible to agree with the spouse on the suspension of the trial, to postpone the resolution of financial issues.
By following the agreements, both of you will have less opportunity to annoy each other.
6. If it is necessary to continue the divorce process, you can discuss what real steps can be taken — for example, discuss disagreements together with lawyers in a video conference format.
7. If you have not yet contacted divorce specialists, it may be worth it to do so and get advice on legal and economic issues.
8. Get support. One client of Bouchot, for example, had a session with a psychotherapist from the inside of a car, because she could not retire at home.
9. If you still live in the same household as your spouse, a clear parenting and recreation schedule can be established. Subject to the agreements, both will have less opportunity to annoy or provoke each other.
10. When living apart, it is worth discussing in whose house the children will live in quarantine. If the situation allows, you can alternate their stay with one and the other parent, observing safety conditions.
“We are all going through this right now,” writes Anne Bouchot of the pandemic. “We have to admit that this is a crisis for everyone. During this stressful time, remember that your spouse or ex-spouse is also under a lot of stress.” The expert suggests, if possible, help each other to exhale and survive this period. And then both will find ways to adapt and cope with this new reality.
About the Expert: Ann Gold Boucheau is a clinical psychologist specializing in divorce and parenthood.