People meet, fall in love and at some point decide to live together. Psychotherapist Christine Northam, a young couple, Rose and Sam, and Jean Harner, author of Clean Home, Clean Heart, talk about how to ease the process of getting used to each other.
Living together with a partner is not only the joy of sharing dinners, watching TV shows and regular sex. This is the need to constantly share the bed and the space of the apartment with another person. And it has many habits and features that you didn’t even know about before.
Christine Northam is sure that before discussing cohabitation with a partner, you need to honestly answer yourself the question of why you need to take this step.
“This is a serious decision that involves self-denial in the name of the interests of a partner, so it is important to consider whether you want to live with this person for many years. You may just be in the grip of your emotions,” she explains. — Often only one person in a couple is ready for a serious relationship, and the second lends itself to persuasion. It is necessary that both partners want this and realize the seriousness of such a step. Discuss all aspects of your future life together with your partner.”
Alice, 24, and Philip, 27, dated for about a year and moved in together a year and a half ago.
“Philip was ending the contract for renting an apartment, and we thought: why not try to live together? We really did not know what we expected from a life together. But if you don’t take risks, the relationship will not develop,” says Alice.
Now young people have already «got used». They rent housing together and plan to buy an apartment in a few years, but at first, not everything was smooth.
Before making a decision about living together, it is important to find out the partner’s personality type, visit him, see how he lives
“At first I was offended by Philip because he did not want to clean up after himself. He grew up among men, and I grew up among women, and we had to learn a lot from each other, ”recalls Alice. Philip admits that he had to become more organized, and his girlfriend had to come to terms with the fact that the house would not be perfectly clean.
Jean Harner is sure: before making a decision about living together, it is important to pay attention to the personality type of the partner. Visit him, see how he lives. “If you feel uncomfortable because of the chaos around you, or, conversely, you are afraid of dropping a crumb on a perfectly clean floor, you should think about it. The habits and beliefs of adults are difficult to change. Try to negotiate compromises that each of you is willing to make. Discuss each other’s needs beforehand.»
Christine Northam suggests that couples planning a life together agree on what they will do if the habits, demands or beliefs of one of them become a stumbling block.
“If domestic disputes still arise, try not to blame each other in the heat of the moment. Before discussing the problem, you need to “cool down” a little. Only when the anger subsides, you can sit down at the negotiating table to listen to each other’s opinion, ”she advises and invites partners to talk about their feelings and be interested in the partner’s opinion:“ I was so upset when I saw a mountain of dirty clothes on the floor. Do you think something can be done to prevent this from happening again?
Over time, Alice and Philip agreed that each would have their own place in bed and at the dinner table. This removed some of the conflict between them.
Living together brings relationships to a new, more trusting level. And those relationships are worth working on.
Source: Independent.