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Couple Small unimportant things that can take a toll on your relationship
Not closing the toothpaste or leaving clothes untidy are small acts that gradually wear down a relationship.
La coexistence it is a natural step in a relationship. After some time together, we want to go live with our booths. But this step, desired and very important in the consolidation of a relationship, many times it is complicated. Human beings are animals of manners, and having to adapt to the habits of other people is not easy.
This is where seeming trifles come into play that actually carry much more weight than it seems. That’s why a tower of dirty dishes piled up in the sink, an unopened tube of toothpaste, or an unmade bed can become a source of conflict if communication fails.
«These conflicts that seem insignificant, have a great importance in couple relationships. One of the two may feel that everything or almost everything falls on him or her or there may be power conflicts within the relationship, who is supposed to do what and does not do it, “says psychologist Laia Giménez Jori, a member of TopDoctors.
For her part, the psychologist Silvia Sanz García points out that “living with a partner can unite as well as disunite”, and explains that the solution lies in “the respect for the other and knowing how to communicate those little details that bother us ».
“When something bothers you in your relationship, the ideal is to let them know, in a sweet and constructive way, not as a reproach, but as an opportunity to make the relationship grow, make you happy and learn,” explains Sanz García.
El relationship careBeyond coexistence habits and domestic customs, it is very important to avoid progressive wear and tear. Psychologist Laia Giménez Jori says that many people, by the mere fact of having a relationship, “already believe that everything is done”, as well as that the other person must “accept and love us as we are.” And although this second statement condenses something of the truth, the professional remembers that this is often an excuse not to make an effort to be the best version of ourselves.
And what could these problems be that we are talking about? Giménez Jori makes two large groups that highlight two planes in which conflict can be generated. On the one hand, in the field of housework, the professional gives examples: the accumulation of dishes without scrubbing, the disorder, leave dirty clothes on the floor of the room, do not lower the toilet seat, leave coats, keys or purse anywhere in the house, as well as all those domestic tasks that in principle are stipulated that fall to one or both individuals of the even and in the end it twists. On the other, it talks about the certain behaviors of the relationship itself that generate a discard, such as do not kiss when you arrive or when leaving home, never going to sleep together, not making almost physical approaches, not looking into each other’s eyes while talking, being with the mobile while having dinner or telling the couple what to do as if they were a parent or a mother.
How do I tell my partner?
The psychologist and sexologist Silvia Sanz García does not give practical keys to be able to tell your partner those behaviors and habits that bother you. «Just as you would like to know what bothers your partner about you, so as not to repeat it, if you don’t like him leaving the toothpaste open, it is better to tell him with humor, so he can know and try to correct that habit, “he says.
The professional reminds us that sometimes we do not do things to harm the other, but we do them the best we can or know how. “He is your partner, not your enemy,” he says. Leave five guidelines to put into practice what we are talking about:
1. Describe what bothers you, in an objective way, without reproach:“Honey, when I go to use the toothpaste, I usually find it open.”
2. Express how you feel:“It makes me a little uncomfortable that you don’t put the cap on.”
3. Put yourself in their shoes: “Surely you do it without realizing it.”
4. Ask for a change: “Would you mind closing it every time you use it?”
5. Thanks: “You will make me happy”.
Another problem couples face is that when belittle these conflicts due to their apparent lack of importance, they are not able to see the damage that can be caused to them. «Many times there is no awareness of what it really implies. You just accumulate. This makes people endure less and less in relationships, also making it difficult for them to coexist better, “says psychologist Laia Giménez Jori.
On the other hand, the professional asserts that changing one’s own behaviors is not easy: «Many times they come out automatically, they are habits that have been created or generated for a long time, and in some people, it is added that they believe that changing these behaviors it is to change who they are, to change their identity. That is why, on some occasions, there is a rebellion unconsciously, without realizing that in this way success and well-being in the relationship are being boycotted.
Finally, Giménez Jori points towards the empathy for the solution of this type of conflict. “There are gestures that don’t really cost anything and that may seem insignificant, but they are a detail that implies a minimum effort but that will enrich the well-being in the relationship,” he says.
On the other hand, he explains that it is important to express things in a assertive, without resentment, demand or ironies. It concludes with the idea that commitment It is also important: «Commitment helps to carry out certain tasks or actions despite not wanting to do it. We must look to promote changes from love, and not from anger, threat or fear ».