Baby keep saying no

Parents.fr: Why do children start, around one and a half years old, to say “no” to everything?

 Bérengère Beauquier-Macotta: The “no phase” signs three interrelated changes which are all very important in the psychic development of the child. First, he now sees himself as an individual in his own right, with his own thought, and intends to make it known. The “no” is used to express his desires. Second, he understood that his will was often different from that of his parents. The use of “no” allows him, little by little, to begin a process of empowerment vis-à-vis his parents. Third, the child wants to know how far this new autonomy goes. He therefore constantly “tests” his parents to experience their limits.

P.: Are children only opposed to their parents?

 B.B.-M. : Generally speaking, yes… And that’s normal: they perceive their parents as the main source of authority. At the nursery or with the grandparents, the constraints are not quite the same… They quickly assimilate the difference.

P.: Parent-child conflicts sometimes take on an unreasonable dimension …

 B.B.-M. : The intensity of the opposition depends on the character of the child, but also, and perhaps most importantly, on how the parents deal with the crisis. Expressed in a coherent way, the limits are reassuring for the child. For a given subject of “conflict”, he must always be given the same answer, whether in the presence of the father, the mother or both parents. Moreover, if the parents allow themselves to be overcome by their own anger and do not take sanctions proportionate to the situation, the child then risks locking himself in his opposition. When the limits set are fuzzy and fluctuating, they lose the reassuring side they should have.

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P.: But sometimes, when parents are tired or overwhelmed, they end up giving in …

 B.B.-M. : Parents are often helpless because they do not dare to frustrate the child. This puts him in a state of excitement that he can no longer control. However, in some cases it is possible to make certain concessions. In this regard, two types of limits must be distinguished. On the absolute prohibitions, in situations presenting a real danger or when the educational principles to which you attach great importance (do not sleep with mum and dad, for example) are at stake, it is advisable to be particularly clear and never to sell. When it comes, however, to “secondary” rules, which differ between families (such as bedtime), it is certainly possible to compromise. They can be adapted to the child’s character, context, etc. : “Okay, you’re not going to bed right away. You can exceptionally watch television a little later because you don’t have school tomorrow. But I won’t read a story tonight. “

P.: Don’t parents ask too much of their children?

 B.B.-M. : The requirements of the parents must, of course, be adapted to the capacities of the child. Otherwise, he will not comply and it will not be out of bad will.

 All children do not all develop at the same rate. You really have to take into account what everyone can understand or not.

P.: Can “taking the child to his own game” constitute a method for regaining calm and serenity?

 B.B.-M. : You have to be careful because it is not necessarily experienced as a game by the child. However, it would not be good to play with him. To make him believe that we are giving in to him when we do not give in to him would be totally counterproductive. But, if the child understands that the parents are playing WITH him and that all thus share a real pleasure, it can contribute to the appeasement of the child. To resolve a one-off crisis, and provided they are not overused, parents can try to divert the child’s attention to another concern.

P: And if, despite everything, the child becomes “unlivable”?

 B.B.-M. : We must then try to understand what is happening. Other factors can aggravate conflicts between the child and his parents. They can be linked to the character of the child, to his history, to the childhood of the parents …

 In such cases, it is certainly useful to talk about it with your pediatrician, who will be able to refer the parents to a child psychiatrist if necessary.

P.: How long does the opposition phase last in children?

 B.B.-M. : The “no period” is quite limited in time. It usually ends around three years old. During this phase, as during the adolescent crisis, the child separates from his parents and gains autonomy. Fortunately, parents enjoy a long lull in between!

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