5 Thinking Traps That Prevent Us from Being Happy

The search for happiness is the search for harmony. Isn’t that what the happy faces on other people’s Instagram profiles are talking about? And happiness is to be loved and in demand. By the way, how many people liked my last post?

Here is the paradox. Happiness either looms somewhere behind the clouds, in the form of a well-deserved retirement, or teases with “wise” sayings that you can find peace now – through humility and contemplation.

Maybe happiness is illusory and it is useless to strive for it? We prevent ourselves from living a full and meaningful life. These are the pitfalls that lie in wait for us along the way.

Trap number 1. Happiness must be earned

This belief is a direct path to anxiety feelings of guilt and depression. It forces us to accumulate ticks in our life “resume”, to collect diplomas, status things and influential friends. And all this – in the hope that in the end the achievements themselves will be converted into happiness.

But reality brings surprises. In the endless pursuit of the desired goal, you can run out of steam and eventually remain unhappy, even with all the attributes of well-being. There is another danger – to fall into self-deception. Convince yourself that you need to be content with what you have and refuse to move forward.

What to do?

Perceive happiness as a journey, not a destination. Ask yourself questions: “How are my actions, lifestyle, and values ​​related to my happiness? Do they help to find inner wholeness, to be in harmony with oneself? If we are trying to succeed in order to prove something to others (parents, rivals, the whole world), we are pursuing a false goal. Happiness will not be a reward for suffering if you do not prepare yourself for it. To do this, you need to change yourself from the inside, get rid of negative thoughts and strategies that lead to a dead end.

Trap #2: There is only one way to look at things.

We are either right or wrong. If we are right, then all those who disagree with us are losers and blind men who have not been able to know the truth. And if at the same time they still feel good, then they are pretending. So, you need to immediately let them feel their complete failure.

This trap forces us to constantly prove our superiority to others, measure achievements and chase for confirmation of our chosenness. In addition, it prevents us from accepting the choice of loved ones if it does not agree with our plans. For example, we have already arranged the future of the child, and he is ungrateful! – chose a completely different path. “I can only be happy when everything goes my way” is the attitude of a capricious child, not a mature person.

What to do?

See the value in diversity. The views and principles of each person are shaped by his experience. Our experience is far from unique. To understand where certain beliefs come from, it is helpful to try to see the life path behind them. Perhaps his example will be useful to us.

Trap #3: Happy people never fail.

On the contrary, many happy people have become like this after experiencing many falls. But this trap makes us constantly look for signs: can we be happy? Are we worth it? If yes, then the universe should favor us. The very first serious disappointment can sow doubt in us and force us to give up new attempts to go beyond the limits of routine existence.

What to do?

See failures not as tragedies, but as lessons. As children, we are curious and receptive to cues from the world around us. Pain is also a signal: “It’s dangerous here, find another way.” Consider that negative results are more valuable than positive ones. When things work out the way we want, we don’t get the experience of overcoming difficulties. This means that our happiness can crumble in an instant, like a house of cards from the slightest push.

Trap number 4. The main thing is not to disappoint anyone

After university, we want to change our specialty, but we do not do this, because we are afraid to deceive the expectations of the parents who have invested so much in us. We take on lucrative but unpromising jobs because deep down we don’t want to be pitied. We often agree with other people’s reasoning or do not express our point of view, because we do not want to pass for eccentrics or go against the opinion of the majority. Our fears and anxieties prevent us from understanding ourselves and our desires.

What to do?

Learn soft confrontation. A common problem: it seems to us that a refusal or an argument must necessarily push people away from us or somehow cool relations with them. So often we try to sweeten the bitter pill, apologize and feel guilty. It will be harder for us to refuse the next request. But if we do not associate refusals with aggression, it will be easier for us to defend our interests.

draw boundaries. If we are afraid to let down or disappoint another person, it is worth asking ourselves: to what extent does his well-being depend on us? Are his expectations justified? What does a particular role require of us: employee, parent, partner in a relationship?

Accept someone else’s “no”. In order to be able to refuse others, we ourselves must understand that others do not owe us anything. Learning to calmly endure rejection and indifference means gaining independence and self-sufficiency.

Trap #5: A happy person is always positive.

A common but dangerous misconception: happy people were able to deal with their problems. They found answers to all questions, resolved all contradictions and found a recipe for earthly bliss.

But communication with people reveals a different picture: there are still conflicts in their lives, from time to time they feel sad and scared. And also – oh horror! – they do not always turn out to be enlightened gurus who give out wise thoughts every minute.

What to do?

Do not divide emotions into good and bad. Certain expressions of emotion—particularly anger, irritation, sadness, and fear—seem to many as a sign of weakness. But we need them to live. Fear makes us cautious, anger gives us the strength to fight, sadness helps us become more aware of the value of what we have. Any emotion can be meaningful if not dismissed prematurely.

Pay attention to what is behind the emotion. If you feel anger, resentment, envy or guilt, ask yourself: why am I feeling this now? What does this say about me, about my desires? This approach is useful for two reasons at once: it relieves the severity of experiences and helps to turn them to your advantage.