12 signs of recovery from a toxic childhood

“Among the many questions from people who have lived through childhoods with toxic parents, two come up most frequently,” writes Peg Streep, author of Bad Mothers: How to Overcome Family Trauma.

The first is about whether it is possible in principle to recover from the consequences of maltreatment in childhood. And the second — seemingly paradoxical at first glance, but quite understandable for those who have had a serious traumatic experience — how to understand that the recovery process is going well.

Peg Streep answers the first question in the affirmative. As for the second question, she first turns to the Western understanding of the word «restoration», «healing» (English healing).

Streep reminds me that this doesn’t mean «like new». No one can promise that even as a result of rehabilitation after a toxic childhood, people will feel the same way as those who grew up in love, awareness of their value, acceptance, respect for feelings and with parental support.

On the way to spiritual healing and the creation of secure bonds and attachments that many people lacked at an early age, their false idea of ​​​​the recovery process itself stands in the way.

What does it mean to “recover from a difficult childhood”?

Peg Streep emphasizes that Western culture perceives restoration or rehabilitation as a transformation into an intact state. Indeed, it literally means «to make whole.» But in our minds, this is akin to the restoration of a painting or other artifact — as if there were no damage at all. This leads to unrealistic expectations.

It is, alas, impossible to become as if there was no toxic childhood at all. But it is possible and quite realistic to recover, to “cure” from its consequences. And for starters, Streep suggests turning to Eastern culture.

An excellent metaphor here is the Japanese art of kintsugi. This is the restoration of a ceramic product, in which the fragments are glued together with varnish with the addition of copper or precious metals — gold, silver.

Thus, a broken vessel or bowl becomes whole, but traces of damage — the seams between the fragments — not only remain visible, but also create a pattern that creates a new image. The spirit and character of the old ceramics is preserved, its invincible character is revealed and the unique beauty of the recreated thing is born.

What needs to be healed?

Most children feel that they need to «cure» their lack of love in childhood. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg, says Streep. In fact, they need to notice how exactly the mothering attitude made them “big” and “small”, what consequences this has in adulthood, as yet unconscious.

Many believe that the character traits that prevent them from achieving happiness and prosperity are innate. But in fact, they are acquired in childhood — which means they can be healed. We are talking, for example, about a lack of adaptation skills — running away or denying one’s feelings, trying not to attract attention to oneself, an internal prohibition on expressing one’s opinion, the desire to please other people, and so on.

To calm down in a moment of excitement, to identify and name your feelings, to feel quite comfortable at the risk of showing yourself in public — this is what a sensitive mother, attentive to the emotional needs of the child, could teach in childhood.

Unloved children mistakenly focus on the lack of material love in the hope of being cured of it. But the real work is to get rid of habits that confuse us or slow us down, and teach others to do the same with us.

It is best to do this with a good therapist, but self-help can also support awareness and growth. The inner emptiness left by dislike in childhood gradually begins to fill — slowly but surely — and a person grows, changes and blossoms.

“I don’t believe that this void will disappear completely, but eventually it will become small enough to be an insignificant detail in a person’s personal history, which will be much larger and richer with shining streaks of new experience and connections — like a bowl restored by the art of kintsugi” writes Peg Streep.

12 signs of recovery

Each child may have different skill gaps and different traumatic experiences—everyone is different. The list of 12 items is extended and very general, so you can choose from it what resonates with you personally. And while everyone has a different story, most audiences will find this list helpful in gauging progress in rehabilitation.

The author also draws attention to the fact that recovery is a process, and weaning oneself from something, like accustoming oneself to something new, does not occur linearly. It’s perfectly normal for backward steps to occur while moving forward. Do not judge yourself strictly — in the words of Streep herself, «this is not a sprint, but a marathon.»

1. Naming your feelings brings relief.

An underdeveloped emotional intelligence is very common, especially if a person was ridiculed or shamed in childhood for showing emotions; they said that his feelings were not important, or they persistently denied what he really feels.

Because unloved children are unable to deal with negative emotions, they tend to push them out of consciousness, making it even more difficult to recognize and accurately identify their feelings. Fortunately, emotional intelligence is a set of skills that can be developed, trained, and honed.

2. When something goes wrong, you no longer blame yourself first.

Self-blame and self-criticism—the habit of attributing faults to unchanging character traits—is common in many unloved children. Sometimes this is just an echo of what the child heard about him from his parents, especially if he was regularly made the scapegoat in the family. But it is also a way to avoid having to tell yourself the truth or get into a frightening confrontation. The ability to soberly look at mistakes and be aware of the role of others and one’s own, as well as other factors, are the most obvious signs of progress.

3. You are not overcome by painful doubts and obsessive thoughts

Yes, it’s called self-confidence, and it starts with sprouts that you diligently nurture until they get stronger. This is the antidote to a long-standing habit of building alternative scenarios in your head all night. The one that turns every decision you make into a test and makes you doubt whether you are even capable of doing the right thing.

4. You are able to speak out without anxiety.

Many children are afraid to speak up and express their feelings and thoughts, the reasons are different. Some are accustomed to «leave the radar» and not attract attention to themselves, so as not to provoke the mother into quick aggression. Others grew up with highly narcissistic mothers and developed what Dr. Craig Malkin called «echoism.» Some grew up focusing on serving others in voicing and meeting their needs. They all need their voice to heal.

5. You become less sensitive to rejection and resentment.

One of the features of anxious attachment that many unloved children have in childhood is constant vigilance, a restless readiness for signals of rejection or signs that the mother is about to leave them. And in the future, it works like a “self-fulfilling prophecy” — the constant tense expectation of being rejected or abandoned pushes people away.

Such relationships on the part of women are too dramatic, and men, as a rule, are not ready for this. Knowing what triggers you and being able to keep from constantly scanning for alarms is a sign of progress.

6. You recognize, label and neutralize triggers

Not only sensitivity to rejection, but other attitudes and mechanisms acquired in toxic childhood gradually emerge as awareness develops. Once you fell into them, but now everything is different. As adults, you are in control of your own life.

7. You respect other people’s boundaries and set your own.

If for people with an anxious type of attachment, boundaries are signs of rejection, then for those whose type of attachment was avoidant in childhood, these are fortress walls to keep people at a distance. An increased ability to see healthy boundaries for yourself and others means you are ready to build healthier relationships. Once you begin to see yourself as a whole, it becomes easier to look at others in the same way.

8. You are proud of what you have achieved and accept failure.

Your ability to congratulate yourself and celebrate your progress, along with your ability to accept miscalculations, mistakes, and failures, is another way to celebrate how far you have already come. The ability to show compassion for oneself, especially in moments of failure, does not appear immediately, but it is an important marker. The old and deeply ingrained habit of scolding yourself mentally and emotionally is not removed very quickly.

9. You begin to see your wholeness.

Another unpleasant legacy of a toxic childhood is the inability to see yourself from different sides, in integrity. The habit of self-criticism highlights the shortcomings and makes you forget about the abilities and other strengths of the individual.

This self-image helps older children get rid of negative attitudes about their body and appearance — and in this area, overcritical, neglectful or controlling mothers could have a destructive effect.

10. You have nothing to be ashamed of anymore

This is a significant moment: the realization that the mother treated you badly for reasons that are hidden within herself, and not through your fault. The shame of not being loved or the feeling of loneliness that leads to isolation fades into the background as the grown child recovers and comes to his senses. Understanding that others have experienced the same and experienced the same feelings, supports and helps not to assume responsibility for parental dislike.

11. You have personal goals.

This is very important — especially because unloved children often experienced deep powerlessness, especially when it came to personal growth. There is a good chance that you are internalizing what you were told in childhood and adolescence, that is, you are assimilating and accepting as your own attitudes. These ideas may not be conscious or articulate, but inside you think they represent the «truth» about your abilities and capabilities. Surprisingly, all this is sometimes combined with external success and leads to what researchers call «impostor syndrome.» A woman who has achieved a lot, inside feels like a scammer who will soon be revealed. Setting goals and implementing your own ideas step by step is a sign of real progress.

12. You are now able to deal with your emotions.

Perhaps in the past you easily drowned in emotions or forced them out of a habit acquired in childhood. Now, using various techniques, you learn to cope little by little, noticing small but tangible steps forward. You can already withstand a stressful situation and think of ways out of it, you know how to calm yourself and not panic from surging feelings. Success, as in everything along the way, comes gradually.

“Recovery is a long and slow process, but progress at its various stages can and should be noticed. Be your own guiding light and don’t forget about compassion, even if old habits remind you of themselves, ”recalls Peg Streep.