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Many women admit that they sometimes fake an orgasm. Men, to put it mildly, do not like this, but experts say: a little lie, if it is one-time, will not be bad. But why do women do it … and men?
“All women pretend, but men don’t notice it,” says a blonde sitting at a table in a cafe. And to prove his words, he quite convincingly portrays an orgasm right in front of the astonished visitors. This is a scene from When Harry Met Sally: Meg Ryan doing the above in front of Billy Crystal.
“It’s true that almost every woman has faked an orgasm at least once or twice in her life,” says Anna Barracco, a Milan-based psychotherapist. — We are not talking now about women who, due to certain difficulties, regularly pretend to receive pleasure, which is not there. In such cases, the simulation is an attempt to give itself a chance for well-being, behind which lies a cry for help.
But even women who are sexually active sometimes feel the need to pretend. “Often this happens at the very beginning of a relationship,” Barracco continues, “when it’s difficult to completely surrender to the process, and it’s embarrassing to ask a partner for certain caresses and foreplay, but you want to show your passion and desire. It turns out a kind of anticipation of pleasure.
Another reason may be fatigue, lack of the right mood: the impulse has weakened, you just want to lie down in an embrace
“I am happy in bed with my man, but I pretend from time to time,” says 43-year-old Anna. — I feel the leaving orgasm, and I have neither the desire to «catch up» with him by any means, nor to explain to myself or to him the reason for what is happening. I don’t think it’s a tragedy. The more words, the more complexity, and that’s enough.
The word «simulation» is somehow negative, it suggests indifference and insensitivity. Who among us has never «feigned» joy when receiving from a friend not the gift he dreamed of? When you love, you often pretend.
For men, everything is much simpler: you either have ejaculation or you don’t. True, there are nuances in their nature. But female pleasure is much more complicated. The wave of sensations then rolls, then moves away, then returns again …
“Sometimes I act out arousal that is not really there, then I get into the taste, and it becomes real,” explains 29-year-old Federica. “Or vice versa: I start with enthusiasm, and then the tension subsides and the finale becomes somehow artificial – I don’t know why.” That is why one-time pretense may well have a positive effect.
“Sometimes the ‘trick’ can be a good stimulus: a woman gets turned on by her own sighs and moans, by imagining herself full of desire,” explains Annalisa Pistuddi, a psychotherapist from Milan.
Confirmation for him
In such confusing situations, men feel out of place. “For many, the female orgasm is an unsolvable mystery. It is difficult to understand its signs, says Giancarlo Ricci, a psychoanalyst from Milan. — A man rarely asks questions about the immediate moment of orgasm: basically, the female pretense succeeds, and he is quite satisfied. Only sometimes a man can, after a while, still ask a woman if she really felt good.
Why is the female orgasm so important for a man? «It’s self-gratification,» Ricci continues. — I gave her pleasure, he thinks, so I’m good in bed. But after all, she convinces herself of her erotic abilities and that she can «be like everyone else.»
If suddenly a woman admits that she faked an orgasm, even once, she will greatly hurt male pride. It makes you wonder what his real role is in the relationship.
“The thing is, men don’t understand the complexity of female sexuality,” Ricci adds. “Having discovered the simulation, he may ask disturbing questions.” This is another reason why women are silent.
Uncertainty or an expression of freedom?
“There can be an unspoken, unconscious contract between a man and a woman: she will pretend to assure her beloved of his strength, he is happy and loves a woman more,” comments Annalisa Pistuddi. “How far are we from the idea that existed in former times that sexual life is aimed exclusively at procreation!”
“Women are anxious about the silence of their own body, even if it is temporary. They «should» be good in bed, they compare their sex life with what they show in films and write in magazines, it seems to them that everyone around them easily reaches a violent orgasm.
But what really happens is rarely told
So everyone is trying to adapt. However, if the pretense is repeated over and over again, one should wonder why it became necessary to present to the partner one’s «constructed» image.
“Yes, I feign, and quite often,” admits 25-year-old Valeria. — I tell myself that I’m afraid to offend my partner — but is he really so vulnerable as not to endure this truth? Or am I just afraid of sincerity?
“I happen to pretend: I feel that it is important for a partner to hear moans, so he feels strong,” Annalisa, 33, echoes her. “But under the hood, it’s starting to irritate me. He thinks that he has power over me, since he is able to bring me to orgasm.
And even less I like the idea that I have to hide my feelings just so that he does not feel insecure. I want the truth … Why can’t I just be myself — a woman who likes to have sex and who gets an orgasm quite often, although not every time?
When pretending becomes a habit, this practice is tiring.
“It doesn’t matter what the cause is: politeness, delicacy, the desire to please the other – if the simulation drags on too long, another “I” is created, a false image that can eventually destroy the couple,” Barracco concludes.
The most important thing is to understand when and how much to simulate without any moral anguish. Continuous imitation can become a cage, a one-time imitation an expression of freedom.
“The idea of ‘clarity at all costs’ is not always productive, either for oneself or for another,” Pistuddy adds. “We shouldn’t constantly feel compelled to tell everything about ourselves, our feelings and emotions.” Through a one-time simulation, you can find your own boundaries and respect for your secret, full of charm.
When a man feigns too
Anton, 44 years old
I have simulated in the past. It seemed to me that it was my “duty” as a man: first to please her, and then to emphasize my own pleasure. Now I don’t do that anymore, I prefer sincerity. Not only do I not overdo it with the expression of emotions, but if it happens that I did not achieve an orgasm, then I simply hug my partner and say that today I am not in the mood for sex, but I was very pleased to please her. And it is true.
Valery, 50 years old
Lately, I don’t feel the same pleasure as I demonstrate. Why am I pretending? To please my woman … We have been together for 12 years, and I feel good with her, but the desire has cooled slightly. I will never admit it to her, so as not to offend or hurt. This is the same little lie for the good, to keep the tenderness.
Alex, 33
It often happens to me not so much to feign as deliberately emphasize the pleasure I experience … So my partner believes that thanks to her I am in seventh heaven, although in fact the sex was quite ordinary. And yet, I don’t often do that: maybe I just want to be in the role of «hero-lover» again …
Max, 27 years old
When I had a one-night stand that I might not have wanted, I sometimes pretended to have an orgasm at the same time as it, when in fact there was no actual ejaculation. I did this in order to nip in the bud a relationship that did not attract me. I don’t understand how they could believe me, but this happened to me quite often.
David, 55 years old
I have never lied about sex before. If the orgasm was dull and inexpressive and the conversation turned to it, I could honestly say to my partner: “Well, we both know that we can do better,” or: “I guess I’m just tired.” Now I am dating a girl much younger than me, so every time I pretend that everything was at the highest level, even though I know that this cannot go on for a long time …