Contents
Introductory
Look at three situations and think about how you would behave in each of them.
Situation one
Mom and little Masha go shopping. The girl notices a beautiful toy and asks her mother to buy a toy. Mom does not want to buy a toy. Masha has already bought a toy, no new ones have been planned yet. Mom tries to take the girl away, but the child begins to cry, resists and repeats «Buy!».
Situation two
Mom and little Dimka are returning from a trip to the market, on the way back they go to a grocery store. The boy sees cakes in the window and begins to persuade his mother to buy them. Mom does not want to buy cakes because she does not want the child to interrupt her appetite. After all, they go home — at home she will feed him. But the boy does not listen to his mother and begins to act up.
Situation three
Mom and little Verochka go to visit. When mom is in a good mood, she sometimes bought her daughter a lollipop lollipop. Passing by a familiar kiosk, Vera asks her mother to buy a lollipop. Mom does not want to stop because she is in a hurry. The child begins to act up, to rest. It’s hard to lead her by the hand, but it’s still a long way to go. Mom does not want to give in to whims either.
Questions
- What is common in all three cases?
- How are they fundamentally different?
- How would you react in each of the three cases described?
Response
Situation analysis
Although outwardly the situations are similar, the motives of the children’s behavior are significantly different.
In the first situation The child saw the toy and wanted the same one. Why? Because he is greedy, capricious and ill-mannered? Not necessary. The child sees a beautiful toy and wants to touch it, hold it, play with it. Toys are made to make children want to play with them. The problem is not in the desire of the child, but in the way of behavior that he chose in order to achieve what he wanted.
Second situation in many ways similar to the first. Mother and child went shopping for a long time. The child is tired and hungry. When he saw a window with beautiful and mouth-watering cakes, he had a desire to eat. Quite a natural desire, isn’t it?
Third situation somewhat different from the first two. It seems that lollipop is just an excuse for a child to throw a tantrum in front of his mother. Perhaps in this way the child wants his mother to pay attention to him, to hear him and talk to him. On the other hand, such behavior may be the result of an implicit struggle for power in the family. Who is the head of the family? Who will bend whom — the child’s mother or the child’s mother?
Ways to solve problem situations
The first way: prevention
As a preventive measure in first situation You can take your child’s favorite toy for a walk.
In second situation you can feed your baby before you go shopping. Or take some food with you, like cookies, to feed him before you get home.
Another good prevention method is to keep your child busy. For example, if you are in a store, instruct your child to find the items you need.
The second way: human warmth and understanding
When the child is in pain, the mother will come, stroke, regret — and the child will feel better. So in the situations described above — if the child sees that the parent loves and understands him, it will be much easier for him to survive his own problems.
An example from life. The father leads his son by the arm, in a hurry to stop. The bus leaves in a few minutes, and the next one will be only an hour later. The son notices chocolates are sold in the stall. Begins to act up and balk. What to do? You have to hurry. Forcibly drag a child to a stop?
The father sat down next to his son so that their eyes were on the same level and said:
— You’re offended because I didn’t buy a chocolate bar.
The child saw that the adult understood his problem and stopped resisting.
(Example from the book Gippenreiter Y.B. «Communicate with a child? How?»)
Third way: express your own feelings
The whims of a child are painful for a parent. The child, on the other hand, may not guess about the feelings of the parent, and consider whims as a great way to achieve his own.
Another example from Gippenreiter Yu.B. Mom and son go to the pharmacy to buy vitamins for their child. There are two types of vitamins in the pharmacy, the mother wants to buy one, the son wants the mother to buy others. He starts throwing a tantrum. There are other people in the pharmacy, the mother is very worried about the behavior of the child. She says aloud, addressing everyone who was in the pharmacy: — Excuse me, please, I’m very ashamed. The parent openly and sincerely spoke about his feelings. The child looked at his mother, then looked at the people who were in the pharmacy. Then he asked my mother to buy those vitamins that she chose. On the way home, it was evident that he was sorry that he had upset his mother.
The question is, who is doing more wrong: children who are capricious or adults who do not know how to express their feelings so that the child understands that he is doing something wrong?
Fourth way: encourage requests, ignore whims and tantrums
Ah-ah what passions.
I’m impolite — so what?
From all your «hello»
you can’t sew shki.
Song Pinocchio.
The child will so long prefer tantrums and whims as long as they bring him more benefit than polite behavior. Two main principles:
- We do not follow the terrorists.
- We encourage polite and diplomatic ways to get things done.
True, there is one caveat: it is unlikely that a child will be polite and diplomatic towards parents if the parents are gu.e. towards the child or towards each other. The parent should lead by example − how to.
Fifth way: sanctions
The difference between sanctions and punishment is that sanctions logically follow from a person’s act — as if its natural consequences.
For example, if a child throws a tantrum in a store, the parent’s logical sanction would be not to take the child to the store. Those. when a child throws a tantrum, take him out of the store and warn him that when children behave in this way, you have no desire to go shopping with them. If this warning is not enough, then sanctions will come into play.
Another option — if, for example, the case takes place in a grocery store — you can leave it without buying. Explain this to your child by saying that you cannot be in the store when he is acting up. Yes, let the family be on a starvation ration in the evening. But the child will be able to experience the consequences of his own behavior “on his own skin”. This training is much more effective than persuasion or punishment.
And a little more about prevention
Learning to separate the important from the unimportant
Some children can make scenes, be naughty and whine, trying to get some kind of toy from adults. But after the adult concedes, the child quickly loses interest in this toy.
Those adults who educate their children to be selective act wisely. For example, sometimes a child is given freedom of choice. An adult takes him to the store and says that he will buy him a toy, the price of which does not exceed a certain level. The child can choose any toy, but only one. The one he wants the most and therefore appreciates.
Some parents acted even more boldly: the child was offered to choose any toy, regardless of the price. The range of prices in the store was quite wide. Children very carefully considered different options and chose toys to their taste. Oddly enough, these toys were not expensive.
Vaccination against consumerism.
If in the first version the adult teaches the child to choose what he really wants, then in the case of “vaccination against consumerism”, the adult teaches the child to filter everything that he does not need or cannot get.
When going shopping, a child sees abundance. Many items are made specifically to attract the attention of the buyer, to awaken desire. It is difficult for a child to control himself. An adult should help him.
Even if an adult wants to, it is not in his power to acquire everything. This idea needs to be conveyed to the child. For example, a parent may take the child to the shops for several days. The parent will show what can and cannot be done with the items. What can be done? Come, see, touch, hold. What can’t be done? Take with you and be capricious.
In parting, when the parent and child leave the store, they can wave the pen to the remaining abundance. In this way, the child will learn to calmly relate to the fact that you can leave the store without any worries without buying anything.