We use this word easily, without always thinking about what it really means. What is considered variants of the norm, and what is a deviation that can destroy the relationship of two?
What is shocking in sex for some is common practice for others. Much of the confusion arises from the fact that our ideas about what is acceptable are rapidly changing. Condoms, which were once sold only in a few pharmacies, are now at the checkouts of any supermarket. Intimate lubricants and vaginal balls until recently could only be found in sex shops, but now they have migrated to pharmacies.
“The norm changes depending on time and place,” says sexologist Naida Dobaeva. “What in one society is considered immoral or considered a manifestation of the disease, in another is considered an acceptable deviation.”
“The boundaries are gradually expanding,” agrees sexologist Sergei Agarkov. “Several decades ago, the generally accepted idea was that a person is a heterosexual being. Now we believe that a person has three possible sexual orientations: hetero-, homo- and bisexual. And these are all variations of the norm. It’s just that there are more heterosexual people than the rest. Perhaps someday sadomasochism will also be considered a variant of sexual preferences.
There is also a reverse trend: what was considered natural for the majority is forever a thing of the past. For example, the system of family installations of house building (implying the complete subordination of a woman to a man, the admissibility of physical punishment against her). Today, perhaps, «submission» (submission) — one of the varieties of BDSM — reminds of domostroy.
We no longer choose whether to receive information of a sexual nature or not — the space around us is saturated with it. We are under pressure from an environment that encourages sexual activity. But the choice is always ours.
30-year-old Marina made this choice spontaneously: “Alexey and I had known each other for several months, when one day, leaving me in the morning, he left a box on the bed. Inside were black and red stockings, high-heeled shoes, slit panties, and leather men’s thongs. I still remember it with a shudder. The underwear smelled of sweat — it had already been put on. I sent him this box by courier without a word. He didn’t even call me back.»
“Alexey informed Marina in this way that he had non-standard needs,” explains Sergey Agarkov. — In this case, we are talking about fetishism, the cult of clothing items associated with sex. The fact that underwear was worn is just natural, otherwise it cannot become a fetish. Probably, he was waiting for Marina to take a step towards, ask him, and then he would explain to her what was the matter.
Who is attracted to it?
Sexual life is the zone of greatest openness to the other and, therefore, our vulnerability. Here you should not rush to judgments, let alone condemnation. Naida Dobaeva reminds that there is no general rule for everyone. “After all, we are dealing with a huge variety of properties and qualities of character,” the expert says. “Perverted, I would call sexual behavior in which a person cares only about satisfying his own sexual desires and uses a partner, not paying attention to his feelings and state of mind.”
“Perversion, perversion, takes place when a person can satisfy his sexual desire in only one single way,” Sergei Agarkov clarifies. — Often he needs a certain, specially created environment. The rest of the sexual practices are just deviations from the usual, traditional.”
What to do when faced with a perverted attitude towards sex? Only one thing — to run away from such a person
Do we have a chance to see at the beginning of an acquaintance that the prospective partner has some special preferences in sex? “No,” says Naida Dobaeva, “because what is condemned in society is customary to hide at first. It remains only to pay attention to indirect signs: what makes a person happy or sad, what makes him happy or sad, whether there are mood swings for no apparent reason … «
What to do when faced with an obvious, truly perverted attitude towards sex? Only one thing is to run away from such a person, our experts say. It is impossible to re-educate a partner, to convince him. This is an illusion.
“Sexual preferences are formed during adolescence, when sexual energy is so great that it is directed “in all directions” and can move in any direction,” explains Sergey Agarkov. — Sexual preferences cannot be changed later. A sexologist can only teach how to realize unusual desires without conflicting with culture and law.”
Depends on us
The boundaries of the norm are vague, which means that the zone of our personal responsibility is large. Instead of asking «Is this normal?» came “Do I want this? Will it please me, or will it harm me?” But what if we feel that our desires are unusual? Should I tell my partner about this?
“First, it’s better to weigh all the pros and cons,” says Naida Dobaeva. — Try to understand whether the partner is ready to hear what you want to tell him. He may respond to your frankness with frankness, but he may not accept it.
Confessing the innermost, we reveal the inner world and become very vulnerable
Sergei Agarkov is more decisive: “The story of secret desires is intimate communication. Confessing the innermost, we reveal the inner world and become very vulnerable. But when we don’t, we show distrust in our partner or even deceive him.»
And Marina’s experience confirms this. “If Alexei had asked me to change clothes, maybe that would have seduced me,” Marina admits. “But the clothes that were already used… It was too rough, I felt used myself.” Perhaps Marina was offended by this act, since she knew too little of a friend.
Consent principle
Voluntariness — safety — reasonableness. It is imperative that any sexual desires are discussed in advance and are voluntary for all participants. Violence is absolutely unacceptable. Both over another person and over oneself. Can one of the partners terminate the experiment at will without fear of rejection? If so, then the principle of voluntariness has been observed.
29-year-old Alexander received a refusal that made him think: “I liked to film my partners during oral sex. Not to show the video to others, but because it increased my desire. And then we met with Zhenya. When I took out my cell phone in the midst of the sex scene, she simply put me out the door in the middle of the night. The next day I brought her flowers to apologize. We’ve been living together for a year now. I pushed the thought of the video out of my head. But that doesn’t stop us from being creative!”
Sometimes having sex with a loved one means giving up some part of your desires. Such is the price of intimacy — both sexual and human.