What will happen to the daughter who was punished by her father?

More than once I had to work — both in a group and individually — with women who were punished by their fathers in childhood: spanked, put in a corner, scolded. It leaves an indelible mark on the psyche. It takes a lot of time and effort to smooth out the consequences of paternal aggression.

A father for a child is the personification of strength, power. And for a girl, her father is also the first man in her life, an object of worship. He is the one from whom it is important for her to hear that she is a «princess».

What happens if a father physically or mentally puts pressure on his daughter? Like any living creature, when attacked, the girl has no choice but to try to protect herself. Animals try to escape, and if it doesn’t work out, they bite, scratch, fight.

Where can a girl run from her «teacher» — her father, who grabs his belt? First to the mother. But how will she do it? He will protect or turn away, take the child and leave the house or scold the daughter, cry and call for patience …

The healthy behavior of a mother is to tell her husband, “Put the belt away! Don’t you dare beat the child!» if he is sober. Or grab the kids and run out of the house if the husband is drunk and aggressive. It is no better if the father beats their mother in front of the children.

But this is if there is somewhere to go. Sometimes this takes time and resources. If they are not there, then the mother remains to sympathize with the child and ask his forgiveness for the fact that she, as a mother, cannot give him security.

«Education» with a belt is physical abuse, it violates the physical integrity of the child’s skin and soft tissues. And even the demonstration of the belt is violence: the child in his head will complete the picture of horror when he gets this belt on the body.

Fear will turn the father into a monster, and the daughter into a victim. “Obedience” will be precisely out of fear, and not out of understanding of the situation. This is not education, but training!

For a little girl, her father is practically a god. Strong, all decisive and able. The father is the very “reliable support” that women then dream of, looking for it in other men.

The girl is 15 kilograms, the father is 80. Compare the size of the hands, imagine dad’s hands on which the child rests. His hands cover almost her entire back! With such support, nothing in the world is scary.

Except for one thing: if these hands take the belt, if they hit. Many of my clients say that even just the cry of their father was enough for them: the whole body was paralyzed, it was scary «to the point of stupor.» Why is that? But because at that moment the whole world will be decided for the girl, the world betrays her. The world is a terrible place, and there is no defense against an angry «god».

What kind of relationship might she have in the future?

So she grew up, became a teenager. A strong man presses her against the wall of the elevator, pushes her into the car. What will her childhood experience tell her? Most likely: «surrender, otherwise it will be even worse.»

But another reaction may work. The girl did not break: she gathered all her energy, pain, will into a fist and made a promise to herself never to give up, to endure everything. Then the girl “pumps up” the role of a warrior, an Amazon. Women fighting for justice, for the rights of the offended. She protects other women and herself.

This is called the Artemis archetype. According to the myth, the goddess Artemis competes with her brother Apollo in shooting accuracy. In response to his challenge to shoot the deer, she shoots and kills … but not the deer, but her lover.

What kind of relationship can develop in the future if the girl decided to always be a warrior and not yield to men in anything? She will continue to fight with her man for power, for justice. It will be difficult for her to accept another, to find common ground with him.

If love is painful in childhood, a person will encounter «painful love» in adulthood. Either because he doesn’t know otherwise, or to “replay” the situation and get another love. The third option is to avoid love relationships altogether.

What will be the partner of a woman who, as a child, her father “raised with a belt”?

There are two typical scenarios: either looking like a father, domineering and aggressive, or “neither fish nor meat”, so that he would not touch a finger. But the second option, judging by the experience of my clients, is very misleading. Outwardly not aggressive, such a partner can show passive aggression: not really making money, sitting at home, not going anywhere, drinking, teasing, devaluing. Such a person also “punishes” her, just not directly.

But the matter is not only and not so much in the belt. When a father spends hours educating, scolding, scolding, “running over” — this is no less severe violence than a blow. The girl turns into a hostage, and the father into a terrorist. She just has nowhere to go, and she endures. Many of my clients exclaimed: “It would be better to hit!” This is verbal abuse, often disguised as «caring for a child.»

Will a successful woman in the future want to hear insults, endure pressure from men? Will she be able to negotiate or will she immediately slam the door so that what happened in childhood with dad does not happen again? Most often, she is sickened by the very idea of ​​a showdown. But when conflict builds up and is not resolved, the family tends to fall apart.

connection between physical violence and sexuality

A complex, difficult to work through topic is the connection between physical violence and sexuality. The belt most often hits the lower back. As a result, the girl’s sexuality, children’s «love» for dad and physical pain are connected.

The shame of being naked — and at the same time excitement. How can this affect her sexual preferences later? What about emotional ones? «Love is when it hurts!»

And if the father experiences sexual arousal at this moment? He can get scared and close himself from the girl forever, if only something doesn’t work out. There were many fathers, but he suddenly “disappeared”. The girl «lost» her dad forever and does not know why. In the future, she will expect the same betrayal from men — and, most likely, they will betray. After all, she will look for such people — similar to dad.

And the last. Self-esteem. «I am bad!» «I’m not good enough for dad …» Can such a woman qualify for a worthy partner? Can she be confident? Does she have the right to make a mistake if dad is so unhappy with every mistake that he grabs his belt?

What she will have to go through to say: “I can love and be loved. Everything is fine with me. I’m good enough. I am a woman and I deserve respect. Do I deserve to be reckoned with?» What will she have to go through to regain her feminine power? ..