Contents
Those who have experienced the breakup of a relationship know how difficult and long the recovery process can be. This stage is painful and difficult for everyone, but some people literally get stuck on it. What factors affect the speed of recovery and what prevents many of us from moving on?
1. Repression, forgetting the reason for the gap
During the recovery process after a breakup, there inevitably comes a period when we begin to remember only the good things about past relationships. We experience sadness and bitterness as we suffer for what we have lost. The ability to remember positive moments is certainly important: it helps us to realize what is valuable for us in contact with another. In this way, we better understand our needs and, based on this information, we can look for a suitable partner in the future.
At the same time, remembering exceptionally good things, we do not see the full picture, but if everything was wonderful, the separation would not have happened. Therefore, when emotions are drawn into the “everything was perfect” pole, it is important to try, without dramatizing, to take a position in the middle, remembering the difficulties that we inevitably encountered, and the feelings and experiences that arose in response to them.
2. Avoiding contact with yourself and self-development
Often, another person becomes a “screen” for us, onto which we project those qualities that we are not aware of and do not accept in ourselves. Of course, these traits may also be characteristic of the partner himself, but the fact that they attracted our attention speaks of their special value to us. Our inner desire to be in touch with these qualities is released when we meet someone who has them. Thanks to him, we touch those facets of ourselves that have been in “sleep mode” for a long time or have been blocked.
When the relationship ends, the loss of this contact with the hidden parts of ourselves brings us great pain. To find it again, we try again and again to return to the relationship, but in vain.
You can come to a more harmonious and fulfilling image of yourself, instead of unconsciously trying to create it with the help of a partner
How to discover these important hidden facets of ourselves? Do an experiment: remember the first stage of communication with a former partner, the time when you were in love with him. What did he look like to you then? Write down all his qualities, and then name them aloud, adding to each: «… and I also have this.» By starting to pay attention to them and develop them: for example, by taking care of yourself or not restraining your purposefulness, you can come to a more harmonious and fulfilled image of yourself, instead of unconsciously trying to create it with the help of a partner.
How can you yourself more clearly and vividly show those qualities that you were most attracted to in a former spouse or partner?
3. Inner criticism
Often the process of parting is complicated by the habit of self-criticism — mostly unconsciously. Sometimes these thoughts arise and disappear so quickly, almost instantly, that we do not have time to understand what happened, what poisoned our mood. We suddenly notice that we are depressed, but we cannot find an explanation for this state. If you have sudden mood swings, try to remember what you thought about before the “downturn”.
It is important to learn not only to fix our own mistakes, but to see the potential inherent in us.
When recovering from a breakup, we spend a huge amount of energy on living through anger, pain, guilt, resentment, sadness, and on processing the experience of previous relationships. Self-criticism only aggravates the condition. It is important to remain kind and accepting towards yourself. Like a good mother who will not yell at a child for a deuce if he himself is upset. It is important to learn not only to fix our own mistakes, but to see the potential inherent in us: we are more than a failure, we are able to survive it and cope with the consequences.
4. Avoidance of emotions and the inability to deal with them
After parting with those who were dear to us, we go through a series of emotional stages — from shock to acceptance. And if we experience difficulties with living this or that emotion, then we risk getting stuck at the corresponding stage. For example, those who find it difficult to be angry, who avoid this feeling, can «get stuck» in a state of resentment and depression. The danger of getting stuck is that the recovery process is delayed: past experiences and unfinished emotions take the place in life that could have gone to new relationships and joy from today.
If you recognize yourself in this description, it may be time to start working on the factors that are keeping you from getting out of the emotional trap and taking a step towards something new.