What does the dad think about when he finds out the sex of the baby?

“I reproduce what my father lived …”: Franco, dad of Nina, 4 years old, and Tom, 2 years old.

“For my first child, I preferred a boy. I saw myself playing soccer with him. When we found out it was a girl, I was a little scared. I imagined that I couldn’t clean his bitch or that we would have a more distant relationship. And then Nina was born. Everything was so easy in fact! For our second child, we were announced a boy. Everyone congratulated us “for having the choice of the king”. But I was almost disappointed! I preferred a second daughter, at least I knew how to do it! My father had a daughter and then boys. I reproduce what he lived: I too live a beautiful relationship with my eldest daughter. ”

“The manly side swelled me! »: Bruno, Aurélien’s dad, 1 year old.

“I had a preference for a girl. I am a schoolteacher and the little boys are often more rowdy. Me, I am intellectual, sensitive, the virile side, kind “atmosphere of guys” swells me quickly. So, I mostly had girl’s first names in mind, none boy. And then, given the poor results on the tri-test, an amniocentesis had to be done. A few agonizing days have passed. On the record, the doctors indicated his karyotype: a boy. But we were so relieved and happy to have a healthy baby that it swept away my concerns about sex which became minor. “

“I wanted to have at least one daughter”: Alexandre, dad of Mila, 5 years old, and June, 6 months old.

“When I learned the sex of my future child at the 2nd echo, I remember feeling joy and relief. I wanted at least one girl! A girl, for me, a man, it’s more exotic, it’s the unknown, compared to a boy. Suddenly, it helped me to project myself, to imagine my future little girl and to already feel a little more of a father. For the second, we didn’t ask, we were expecting “a baby”! I was less eager to learn about sex. When we discovered her gender at birth, there was the effect of surprise and a lot of joy. But we are already in something else: we discover our child! “

The expert’s opinion: Daniel Coum *, clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst

“Desiring and expecting a child is the business of two people who together“ fantasize ”an imaginary child. With the father, having a boy is often on the side of the “like”. While a girl is more of a confrontation with the different, with the idea that this man has of a girl. But each course is unique. For Franco, it is anxious anticipation or for Alexandre, rather happy. The ordeal of the birth of the real child, with its own gender, tilts into reality. Whether we are disappointed or delighted, at the time of birth, we will meet a real child. Most fathers will invest that child. Franco is helped by the continuity he perceives vis-à-vis his own father. At first, Bruno moves away from his baby because he cannot envisage transmitting his sensitivity to his little boy… and then the fear for his health helps him to build his fatherhood. For other fathers, those who would remain very disappointed not to have the gender they wanted, the mother can serve as a point of support. It is she who can help the father to invest the child once born. “

* Author of “Paternités”, Presses de l’EHESP, 2016