Contents
This is what prevents you from being happy in love
Couple
The lack of empathy, expectations about the relationship and the difficulty to manage conflicts are some of the keys that make it more difficult to live a full romantic relationship
“Why am I not happy with my partner?” It is clear that we all want to be happy in the love. We want our relationships to be healthy and prosper over time. What happens, as the psychologist Gema Sánchez Cuevas explains, is that most of the time we expect this to happen “magically”. The expert highlights the fact that we usually ask ourselves these types of questions when we feel unwell, when doubts begin to consume us and when conflicts with the partner they are part of our routine. «I do not mean that happiness in love is free of conflicts, but rather that we begin to worry when discomfort has been installed for a long time. Wouldn’t it be better to consider what we can do so that the relationship goes well from the beginning? “, He proposes.
The psychologist says that love is «like a garden that must be watered day after day » and that it is an active feeling that is fueled by acts. Thus, effort, commitment, respect and small details are essential in relationships. Now, the psychologist affects a series of obstacles that can wear down relationships to the point of breaking them. Break it down one by one.
Expectations about the relationship
Indeed, as Gema Sánchez comments, expectations about the couple and how the relationship should be can be very dangerous. That is why he proposes to ask two important questions: “What do we expect from the other?”, “What do we expect from the relationship?” Often the problems that arise in romantic relationships are determined by these expectations or by the clash between what we expect of the other person and what actually happens (how we want it to act and how it ends up acting). The expert says that we are quite skilled at imagining how the other will respond or, rather, how we want the other to respond. And if it turns out that our requirements are not met, we get angry or feel bad.
Fantasies and myths about love
Often we fantasize about incredible stories, of those that occur in books or in the films romantic or that they tell us through a song, or even through the idyllic life that some people show on social networks such as Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. But life as a couple, as the psychologist clarifies, is usually very far from all these cited examples. All that is fiction and our day to day is reality. “That the other will never fail us, that jealousy is a demonstration of true love, that love can do everything and that there will never be problems are beliefs that we must discard from our minds,” he proposes. A relationship is maintained by the effort of its participants, it is a construction of two. It does not work without the participation of both. It is something like this, as exemplified by Sánchez Cuevas, like what happens with those couples of professional dancers whose success is due to the fruit of their joint effort during training.
Lack of empathy
Putting yourself in the place of the other is essential to understand him, to realize how he sees the world and to accept it after all. This is, according to the psychologist, another key and necessary aspect that we tend to forget, because many times we want the other to change and behave in our image and likeness and that is impossible, as well as unfair. In this sense, the expert raises a question: “If we do not accept the other as he is, why are we with him?” It is true that, as it clarifies, this does not mean that there are not certain behaviors or attitudes that can be modified, but not everything and the image and similarity of what one wants. «You have to learn to live with the differences from the respect », reveals.
Why aren’t you friends?
La lack of friendship It is also usually an impediment to happiness in love, according to Sánchez Cuevas. Knowing the other, their dreams, hopes, their tastes and their personality as well as being their support is a key indicator of a good relationship. “If we are totally unconcerned about the other and show indifference, the bond will be totally unprotected,” he says. That is why he insists when it comes to pointing out that small details are very important on a day-to-day basis.
What if there is a conflict?
A key factor in the couple’s relationship is the difficulty in solving conflicts. “Plunging into negative spirals of criticism, blame, and defensiveness can lead to arguments getting out of hand,” he says. By the psychologist affirms that a plus in love can be knowing how to act, knowing what to do and above all knowing how to start any phrase or action that prevents the growth of negativity without controll.
A daily exercise to reconnect
For Gema Sánchez Cuevas it is important to work on “emotional intelligence” in the couple. Knowing how the other feels is essential in a relationship, just like how we feel. And this is something that, according to the alert, we do not usually do, because we live in “automatic”, letting ourselves be carried away by daily stress, both from what we are doing and what we have to do.
But if we really want to connect with the other, we cannot forget about the emotional universe. For this reason, he recommends dedicating a few minutes each day to check us on an emotional level to ask ourselves how we are, how we feel and what we want. “If we also identify an emotion, it will help us a lot to ask ourselves why we feel it, instead of why, since if we investigate we will discover our hidden needs, those messages that our emotions often send us and we usually ignore,” he explains.
With this exercise we will not only work on our emotional intelligence, but it will also be easier for us to understand how our partner feels.