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Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand each other due to the fact that men are not always ready to talk about their experiences and openly discuss what is unacceptable for them in a relationship. Our heroes shared their stories and the conclusions they made. Expert comments.
She is friends with her ex
Sergey’s story
“If she communicates with an ex-boyfriend: texts, calls up, most likely her feelings have not cooled down,” Sergey believes. “I myself once found myself in such a triangle. He was in love with a girl and turned a blind eye to everything. Of course, he could not help but notice that her ex was writing to her and she immediately responded. Yes, and she openly told me that they were dating. She made sure he was just a good friend. I was jealous, but did not want to show it, it seemed humiliating to me.
One day she told me that she was not meeting me in the evening, but instead she was going to a club for his birthday.
This was the beginning of a quarrel. I couldn’t openly say that I was jealous. Angry and didn’t respond to messages. Then I realized that I was bored. We met, and she told me distantly that we are very different people. We find it difficult to understand each other. I replied that I perfectly understand if third parties do not intervene. «At least these third parties never speak to me the way you do,» was the last I heard from her.
It hurt me that she compares me to my ex. And later, through friends, I found out that they got back together. Now I’m sure: if a girl communicates with an ex, she is deceiving either you or herself. If he is so dear to her, then why did they break up? She probably still loves him. Or, and this is the worst option, he is deliberately playing with you. She is flattered that two are behind the scenes competing for her.”
Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya
“I’m sorry that Sergey has such a situation, but this is not always the case. Friendship with an ex is possible if the partnership is over. That same closed gestalt, when everything is said and wept, there is an understanding of why the separation happened and reunion is impossible. This requires a lot of inner work from both, often therapeutic.
Sergei, it seems, felt the incompleteness of this relationship. Perhaps because he was excluded from them. Meetings of the girl with the former took place without him and sometimes instead of meetings with him. This really causes tension, multiplies fantasies. But I would not make a categorical conclusion about all similar situations.
She doesn’t like my dog
History of Vadim
“The dog means a lot to me,” Vadim admits. “And I don’t care how a loved one treats her. I have an Irish Setter, he is kind to people, not aggressive. When I introduced my girlfriend to Barran, I made sure the dog didn’t scare her. But her squeamish attitude was noticeable. Once I was not in the room, the girl did not see that I was watching her, and noticed how rudely she drove the dog away. It was unpleasant for me. It’s like I’m betraying my friend. I didn’t want to continue a relationship with a person who is indifferent to someone who is dear to me. ”
Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya
“Pets are a special part of our life. We wind them up as an outlet and often project our unexpressed love and tenderness onto them. And if your partner does not accept that you have a pet (with whom the relationship lasts longer than with him or her), this is really a problem. However, there are physiological causes, such as allergies, and each situation needs to be discussed separately.”
She «lives» in the phone
Andron’s story
“Already at the first meetings, she did not let go of the phone,” Andron recalls. — Endless photos, selfies, replies on social networks. She said that she was going to develop a blog, but it was just an excuse to sit on the Web endlessly. Gradually, I began to understand that our whole life together is shining on her instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia). I didn’t like it.
When we quarreled, she posted her sad photos and hinted unequivocally who was responsible for her bad mood. We broke up. I no longer want to live like in the arena. And if I see that a girl spends too much time on the phone, we are definitely not on our way.
Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya
“The phone is an integral part of our life and work, just like social networks. Some people are satisfied with it, some are not. A blogger is a modern profession that must be reckoned with, including a partner. We do not know if Andron spoke to the girl about his feelings, if she heard him. In addition, the words “spends too much time on the phone” already have a subjective coloring. Yes to him, no to her.
She aspires to nothing
Stepan’s story
“I have already met a careerist girl who arranged an unspoken competition between us: who will earn more, whose projects will work,” says Stepan. — Tired of the fact that I live not with the woman I love, but as if with a sparring partner.
In a new relationship, I liked that the girl always listened to me with interest, never insisted on anything … until I got bored with it. Tired of the question “What are you doing and what are your plans?” receive standard answers “Yes, I do nothing.”
The most that could stir her up was shopping
I felt more and more that she not only lacked her own interests — it seemed that she had no energy either. Next to her, I seemed to become tired of life myself. Started to be lazy. I felt that she was dragging me back. In the end we parted ways. It is important for me that my girlfriend is also passionate about something. There is no need to compete, but I want to communicate on an equal footing.”
Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya
“Different life positions are a cause for serious conflicts. But here the hero divides women into «too purposeful» and «not at all purposeful.» Relationships are more complicated, especially in the modern world, where a woman can freely build a career, and sometimes even earn more than a man.
In this regard, a conflicting question arises: what place does each of the sexes now occupy in relationships? Am I still a man if a woman is superior to me in career and finances? Am I interested in someone who lives only for my interests and home? And here it’s not about women, but about what exactly a man wants and what he fears in a relationship. You can work through this conflict in personal psychotherapy.
She is using me
History of Artem
“I was in love with her and ready for anything,” says Artem. — I paid for all our entertainment, trips. However, no matter what I did, it was never enough. Gradually, she led me to the fact that she needed to change the car too …
I had the opportunity to make expensive gifts until a business partner set me up. I got into a very difficult situation. It was the first serious test in business for me. And the first test of our relationship. I never expected her infantile reaction.
When she heard that there would be no new car chosen for her, she was frankly upset.
The girl spoke like a petulant child. I tried to explain to her that now more than ever her support is important to me. But she not only did not support me, but also worsened my condition. I had to accept that next to me is not a close person at all. Everything is fine as long as I provide her comfort.
Since then I have restored the business, things are going even better, but we broke up with the girl. And now I am very careful to ensure that the one I choose is interested in me, and not just in my financial capabilities.
Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya
“The financial crisis is a serious test for the couple. Not everyone, even the strongest and most tender relationships, can withstand this. Here you need to look individually, because it happens that a partner in a vulnerable position can see an enemy in another. This is not from evil, but from too unbearable feelings.
We see only a one-sided description of a complex crisis situation and do not know what really happened. Was she behaving like a child, or did the hero seem so? How did he see her support? The very word “uses” already has a negative emotional connotation, but we don’t know if this is really so.
In a couple, it never happens that only one spoils everything. And even more so, it is impossible to draw a conclusion from one relationship about how others will develop. Relationships are a moving system with two variables, a man and a woman. We all change and show different qualities depending on the life context, our internal goals and what happens between us.