Communication needs are not limited to talking about the events of the day. It is very important to sincerely discuss feelings and experiences with your partner. But, trying to avoid disagreements, lovers are often insincere with each other. How to build a full-fledged communication and why serious conversations are good for relationships?
The question «How are you?» and the answer «Fine» is just an exchange of pleasantries, we are not talking about real feelings.
Unfortunately, the habit of superficial communication often manifests itself in personal relationships. When a partner asks, “What happened?”, we often want to answer: “Nothing.” If everything is really in order, such an answer is quite appropriate, but if you say this to avoid a conversation, things are most likely not going smoothly in the relationship.
If partners rarely speak honestly and openly with each other, and such conversations occur only in crisis situations, any serious and deep conversation can frighten them. If they get in the habit of regularly telling each other about thoughts and feelings, this will not only strengthen the relationship, but also teach them how to better deal with any difficult problems that may arise.
But how can we create an atmosphere of trust in relationships that allows us to speak openly about what is on our minds, to criticize constructively and take criticism calmly? This needs to be learned — preferably from the beginning of the relationship. Honesty in communication requires both the ability to soberly evaluate themselves. Everyone should know their sore spots, fears and shortcomings.
The most important communication skill is listening.
What «forbidden» conversations can hurt? Everyone has their own «sore topics». Most often they relate to appearance, education, family, religion, economic status or politics. Even the most benevolent comment on one of these topics can provoke an aggressive reaction and disrupt honest and open communication.
Sometimes secrets and attempts to keep them secret become ticking time bombs that can harm relationships and ourselves. If partners have «skeletons in the closet», a psychologist’s consultation can help establish communication.
The most important communication skill is the ability to listen. If the partners interrupt each other, are too tired or upset to focus on the conversation, one can hardly expect empathy and openness from them. It is helpful to get in the habit of having conversations at a certain time: after dinner with a cup of tea or a glass of wine, or an hour before bedtime, or during an afternoon walk.
Partners should think about their motivation. Do you want to win the argument or get closer to each other? If one wants to hurt another, prove something, condemn, take revenge or put oneself in a favorable light, this is not communication, but narcissism.
A normal exchange of opinions does not necessarily lead to an argument. The benefit of regular thoughtful conversations is that they show that disagreements are normal and even useful. Each of us is an individual with our own opinions and personal boundaries. It’s okay to disagree with each other. Healthy disagreements are even more beneficial for relationships than automatically agreeing with your partner’s every word.
But openness and tolerance are important here. Partners must be willing to listen and hear each other’s points of view. It is helpful to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to look at the situation from their point of view.
Many couples are ready to talk about serious topics only in moments of crisis. Try to discuss dreams from time to time, share ideas about the present and the future. You can start with the phrase «I’ve always wanted to …», and then the conversation can lead to amazing discoveries.
Good communication requires effort from both, everyone must be willing to take risks and take responsibility. Psychological counseling can help couples who seek comfort and security in their relationship and want to help each other grow and develop.