The young hero of ancient Greek myth, who died of self-love. Vanity, conceit, selfishness, narcissism are the hallmarks of narcissists. They say they are hopeless. Coach Leonid Krol does not think so. There are many representatives of this type among his clients, and he knows very well how to communicate with them, and even how to change a narcissist.
Do not argue with his eternal desire to find out «Am I the cutest in the world?» (smarter, faster, sexier…). You can ask, emphasize, clarify, but not question its exclusivity, otherwise they will part with you quickly and harshly. Yes, you are special. Join us and we will gradually make our own adjustments.
Splinters hit the narcissist’s eye a mirror broken by a troll: a lot of negativity and irritation on various occasions. If you get too close, stick to it, it will troll you with pleasure. But if you walk nearby, live in neighbors, have your goals, but — often and little by little warm, passing by, as if not paying attention to the brilliance, emphasizing precisely the warmth of your relationship (even if it is partly «induced» by you), — then there is a chance that the narcissist will relax, stop thinking about how he looks all the time, and gain strength to actually look at you.
Envy and shame are the main «downsides» of narcissism
Communicate with him as in a room of crooked mirrors: show others, their transformations and reflections, sometimes yourself with them, “twist a cartoon”, make a comic, gossip a little (this is his field!). Like secular wits of Pushkin’s time. Grimacing about others and with others — you can make your face more mobile.
The narcissist’s world is made up entirely of his helpers.. Not everyone can do it, but everyone should try. It’s like a pyramid in a circus, where he is at the very top. Discussing his helpers with the narcissist is useful, because through this he gets to know people, changes places with them, and for a while becomes someone’s helper, and through this — to himself.
When contact is made — Alternate injections and strokes. Boldly, but kindly, to talk about the main problem, bring it into awareness, let it get used to it with homeopathic doses of shame — and then an antidote. This requires precision and subtlety.
Independence training: in no case do not let fall in love (injections will come in handy for this). To be openly imperfect, stupid, and treat your own mistakes casually, with humor. Emphasize (non-verbally): I’m with you, I like you, but you don’t love me and I’m not in love with you.
Discussing his assistants with the narcissist is useful, through this he gets to know people
Contact improved (but not to the point of falling in love) — try an open «diet» for self-esteem. Check — how and how long he can live, so as not to praise himself, not to compare with someone. Calmly note the envy and shame that arise in him — the main «reverse sides» of narcissism.
Learn to endure shame. Talk about it and endure the pain. The process is slow, difficult, but real: narcissists are usually smart as demons and can be rationally persuaded to do so. To live painful moments of sobriety and access to reality without idealization.
Monitor your own narcissism: the smallest fraction of this component will cause him an allergy! The extent to which the coach himself has been worked out personally plays a special role.
The narcissist who tries to «get off the needle» of self-esteem, feels emptiness, rejection and tries to return back. It is worth remembering that in addition to the mirror, there are also systems of mirrors for observing others: a microscope for a close look, a telescope for penetrating «far vision». The personalized narcissist transforms into a great observer: cynical, tenacious and sharp, noticing.
If you look into deep wells, you can see that they also have water.
It is especially difficult for a narcissist to experience his emptiness: «everyone is good, but I’m ugly and lack normal empathy.» If you look into deep wells, you can see that they also have water — only it is very deep, and you need a long rope to scoop it up. The depth of the well is that measure of the suffering of the narcissist, which distances him from his «I» — pure water at the bottom. The physical experience of this metaphor, the actual scooping and quenching of thirst, can help to accept this.
Mirror — when used correctly — not a drug, not an enemy, but a tool for a narcissist. It is worth learning to look in the mirror not at yourself, but at others and at the mirror itself. After all, they are different and do not always reflect perfectly. Foggy — in the bathroom, old, with worn out amalgam — in museums, dusty — rear view (in which you will not see yourself, no matter how hard you try). Not everything has to be clear, but changing clarity is part of the path required.