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Words spoken in an even voice, or the silence of a loved one, can sometimes hurt more than a scream. The hardest thing to bear is when we are ignored, not noticed — as if we are invisible. This behavior is verbal abuse. Faced with it in childhood, we reap its rewards in adulthood.
“Mom never raised her voice to me. If I tried to condemn her methods of education — humiliating remarks, criticism — she was indignant: “What are you talking about! I’ve never raised my voice at you in my life!» But verbal violence can be very quiet…” — says Anna, 45 years old.
“As a child, I felt invisible. Mom would ask me what I wanted for dinner and then cook something completely different. She asked me if I was hungry, and when I answered “no”, she put a plate in front of me, was offended or angry if I did not eat. She did it all the time, for any reason. If I wanted red sneakers, she bought blue ones. I knew perfectly well that my opinion meant nothing to her. And as an adult, I have no confidence in my own tastes and judgments, ”admits Alisa, 50 years old.
It’s not just that verbal abuse is perceived as less traumatic than physical abuse (which, by the way, is not true). When people think of verbal abuse, they imagine a person who screams heart-rendingly, out of control and shaking with anger. But this is not always the right picture.
Ironically, some of the worst forms of verbal abuse are like this. Silence can be a way to effectively ridicule or humiliate. Silence in response to a question or a fleeting comment can provoke more noise than a loud tirade.
It hurts a lot when you are treated like an invisible person, as if you mean so little that it makes no sense to even answer you.
A child subjected to such violence often experiences more conflicting emotions than one who is yelled at or insulted. The absence of anger causes confusion: the child cannot understand what is behind the meaningful silence or refusal to answer.
It hurts a lot when you are treated like an invisible person, as if you mean so little that it makes no sense to even answer you. There is hardly anything more frightening and offensive than the calm face of a mother when she pretends not to notice you.
There are several types of verbal abuse, each of which affects a child in a different way. Of course, the consequences resonate in adulthood.
Verbal abuse is not uncommonly reported, but not talked about or written about often enough. Society is largely unaware of its far-reaching consequences. Let’s break the trend and start focusing on «silent» forms of violence.
1 THE INVISIBLE MAN: WHEN YOU ARE IGNORED
Often, children receive information about the world around them and relationships in it second-hand. Thanks to a caring and sensitive mother, the child begins to understand that he is valuable and worthy of attention. This becomes the basis for healthy self-esteem. By her behavior, a responsive mother makes it clear: “You are good the way you are,” and this gives the child the strength and confidence to explore the world.
The child, whom the mother ignores, cannot find his place in the world, it is unsteady and fragile.
Thanks to Edward Tronick and the «Passless Face» experiment, which was conducted almost forty years ago, we know how neglect affects infants and young children.
If a child is ignored on a daily basis, it greatly affects his development.
At the time of the experiment, it was believed that at 4-5 months, children practically do not interact with their mother. Tronik recorded on video how babies react to the mother’s words, smiles and gestures. Then the mother had to change her expression to an absolutely impassive one. At first, the babies tried to react in the same way as usual, but after a while they turned away from the insensitive mother and began to cry bitterly.
With young children, the pattern was repeated. They, too, tried to get their mother’s attention in the usual ways, and when that didn’t work, they turned away. Avoiding contact is better than feeling ignored, overlooked, unloved.
Of course, when the mother smiled again, the children from the experimental group came to their senses, although this was not a quick process. But if a child is ignored on a daily basis, this affects his development very much. He develops mechanisms of psychological adaptation — an anxious or avoidant type of attachment, which remain with him into adulthood.
2. DEAD SILENCE: NO ANSWER
From the child’s point of view, silence in response to a question is very similar to ignoring, but the emotional consequences of this tactic are different. The natural reaction is anger and despair directed at the person who uses this tactic. Not surprisingly, the request/evasion scheme (in this case, question/refuse) is considered the most toxic kind of relationship.
For family relations specialist John Gottman, this is a sure sign of the couple’s doom. Even an adult is not easy when a partner refuses to answer, and a child who cannot defend himself in any way is extremely depressing. The damage done to self-esteem is based precisely on the inability to protect oneself. In addition, children blame themselves for not getting the attention of their parents.
3. OFFENSIVE SILENCE: contempt and ridicule
Harm can be caused without raising your voice — with gestures, facial expressions and other non-verbal manifestations: rolling your eyes, contemptuous or offensive laughter. In some families, bullying is practically a team sport if other children are allowed to join in. Controlling parents or those who want to be the center of attention use this technique to manage family dynamics.
4. CALLED AND NOT GIVED: GAS LIGHTING
Gaslighting causes a person to doubt the objectivity of their own perception. This term comes from the title of the film Gaslight (“Gaslight”), in which a man convinced his wife that she was going crazy.
Gaslighting does not require shouting — you just need to declare that some event did not actually happen. Relations between parents and children are initially unequal, a small child perceives the parent as the highest authority, so it is quite easy to use gaslighting. The child not only begins to consider himself a «psycho» — he loses confidence in his own feelings and emotions. And this does not pass without consequences.
5. «For your own good»: scathing criticism
In some families, both loud and quiet abuse is justified by the need to correct flaws in the child’s character or behavior. Sharp criticism, when any mistake is meticulously examined under a microscope, is justified by the fact that the child “should not be arrogant”, should “behave more modestly”, “know who is in charge here”.
These and other excuses are just a cover for the cruel behavior of adults. Parents seem to behave naturally, calmly, and the child begins to consider himself unworthy of attention and support.
6. TOTAL SILENCE: NO PRAISE AND SUPPORT
It is difficult to overestimate the power of the unsaid, because it leaves a gaping hole in the child’s psyche. For normal development, children need everything that parents abusing their power are silent about. It is important for a child to explain why he is worthy of love and attention. It is as necessary as food, water, clothing and a roof over your head.
7. SHADOWS IN SILENCE: NORMALIZING VIOLENCE
For a child whose world is very small, everything that happens to him happens everywhere. Often children believe that they deserved verbal abuse because they were «bad». It’s less scary than losing trust in someone who cares about you. This creates the illusion of control.
Even as adults, such children may rationalize or view their parents’ behavior as normal for a number of reasons. It is equally difficult for women and men to realize that the people who are obliged to love them have hurt them.