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No lie for 7 years
As soon as they have the floor, children use words to transform reality as they see fit. But with no intention of deceiving. Indeed, very small they confuse and entangle the true and the false, the dream and the reality. Even if their “deception” does not deceive anyone, it is more fabricating than lying. So a wet bed could have been wet by the “rain that fell from the sky” or the chocolate cookies eaten by the dog. We must not forget that often in the little ones, to affirm a thing is to make it true while denying it makes it disappear. The famous “it’s not me” just means he didn’t do it on purpose. Nevertheless, with reason comes the moment when the child begins to distinguish the true from the false, the real world from the imaginary. Magical thinking gradually fades and the older child, around 5/6 years old, understands that he can hide, deny or disguise truths to deceive. He is then able to lie with the intention of deceiving. He then begins to develop stories, so as not to be punished, for example. But he still often confuses error and lies. It is around 7 years old, when his awareness of good and evil awakens that he really differentiates them. The lie then becomes negative and it serves as the “Liar!” Liar! ” anything goes.
The child lies because he is afraid of being punished
Little children do not know how to lie, or at least do not know that they are lying. Quite simply because they do not distinguish between the real and the imaginary. However, it is we, the adults, who teach our children to lie by making them fear punishment. So, will you usually hear “it’s not me” when you find the toast of jam on the sofa (jam side of course) and your budding Pinocchio alone in the room. How to react? The first thing to do, instead of to get angry and punish him is to give him a chance to confess: “are you sure what you’re saying? It does not seem quite true to me ”. Praise him if he recognizes his stupidity. Help him in this sense to be honest, try to gain his trust by not punishing him for lying. Fault confessed is half redressed ! Obviously, nothing prevents to have it repaired, it is the best lesson.
A lie or the pleasure of imagining
When the lie is an artistic creation! Because a little storyteller doesn’t lie, he just makes up a story! It must be said that at this age we live in a world of dragons and princesses and that Santa Claus and the Little Mouse are “real”! The little ones live in an imaginary world, which the adults maintain, so how can we blame them for adding more, for embroidering, for inventing? This ability to invent is essential for their psychic development and an essential step in helping them to build themselves up.How to react? Imagine with him, tell him that you know he is inventing but that these are great stories and that we could even write a book about it!
The child lies to value himself
Difficult to impose yourself in a group without the temptation to embellish reality a little in order to enhance yourself. He tells incredible stories: he spent the afternoon with Superman fighting the bad guys, or almost plausible, dad plays football and knows Thierry Henri well. You don’t have to worry about these little “arrangements” of reality let alone feel betrayed by trivial lies even if it makes you look more famous, stronger or more beautiful than you are. Always remind the child that it is okay to tell the truth. You must not play his game and “lie” with or for him. Show him that you understand why he is doing this: by inventing feats for himself, he is simply trying to draw attention to himself, to fill a feeling of weakness. Clearly draw the line between the real and the imaginary and give him confidence. He doesn’t have to make up amazing stories to get people interested in him!
The child lies because the truth is hard to tell
Certain emotions are difficult to express, feelings can be violent and children need their personal world to transpose them, far from the judgment of adults. Sometimes the child tells sales pitches because he cannot face a reality that is too harsh. Such a child will insinuate that his magnificent house is under construction so as not to invite his little comrades in a dwelling which clearly shows the destitution of his family. Another will say that he has lots of friends at school when he is actually very lonely. This lie translates in fact his feeling of loneliness, he reassures himself by inventing his world. These adjustments to the truth express a malaise, a difficulty faced with which the child seeks support through lies. How to react? This is surely the most serious “case” of lying. The one who reveals a bad being. Be sure to systematically assess the seriousness of the lie, its possible consequences on the balance of the child, the family or the real risks. In any case, do not hesitate to open a dialogue with your child even on taboo subjects such as unemployment, separation, death and get help from a professional if you feel the need.
Lead by example: don’t lie to him!
Everyone is lying… more or less. The phone rings and you make the babysitter answer that you are absent, you pretend your child’s stomach ache to miss school on Saturday morning and go to the countryside … a thousand little lies show your child that the adults too know how to distort reality to arrange their affairs. Do not have any doubts, your child will benefit from it as he builds his personality by imitation! What better example than his own parents? So start by leading by example. In another register, do not hide the truth, however serious: the death of a loved one, unemployment, the loss of a baby. Your child feels it and needs you to talk to him about it very simply.
When to worry about your child’s lies
When lying becomes pathological, there may be cause for concern. Indeed, a child who uses lying as a way of life can hide a real discomfort. This may reveal an attempt to unconsciously cover up a problem. Then try to understand the lack of the child, you can gradually help him to distinguish his desires and the real world. But if this persists, it may be useful to seek professional help. Conversely, the absence of lies, if it is the pride of parents, often shows that the child does not yet distinguish between himself and others. He fails to detach himself from his parents and grow up. Indeed, the lie is a kind of border between the personal world and the outside world. He wants to tell others, and especially parents “you can’t always know everything about me”. A child who does not lie has probably not yet built his own universe, one that is personal to him and in which his parents do not fit. Remember, lying is a sign of good development. By distorting the truth, your child realizes that he has a personal thought, independent of yours.