Time has become a scarce commodity in our world: most of us never have enough of it. Meanwhile, we spend most of our lives in the bustle and pursuit of good things, sometimes forgetting about the important, including proper rest, reminds life coach Sarah Fabian.
Coach Sarah Fabian grew up in Eastern Europe. Like many of us, she was brought up in the firm belief that doing nothing is a sign of debauchery, a bad inclination that must be eradicated. Sleep is necessary, of course, but sleeping too long is a sign of laziness. Get up, otherwise you’ll sleep for the rest of your life. Working up a sweat is a virtue; stopping to rest is a vice. In a word, “living properly” meant always doing something useful.
“Remembering my childhood, I see an eternally busy mother: she cleans the house, runs around the shops, cooks several meals every day, does laundry and irons clothes,” Sarah shares. — And this despite the fact that she worked from morning to evening in the hospital. To be honest, I still do not understand how it was enough for everything. Even now, in her pre-retirement age, she believes that the ability to stay active depends only on willpower.
The more we get, the more we want. This is often referred to as the need for development and growth.
Modern society has turned many into tireless figures, effective workers and “achievers,” the coach emphasizes. You have to always run somewhere, do something, achieve recognition, conquer the next peak. We often judge a person’s value by their success in life, based on personal and professional goals, achievements and results, financial status and position on a business card.
We strive to do more and get more, and tend to tie our happiness to our intended future. “One day, when I have such and such a job, a house, a car, a spouse or a couple of children, I will be happy.” In fact, the more we get, the more we want. This is often referred to as the need for development and growth.
Employment disease
Come to think of it, for many of us, work has really become an addiction. We give her a lot of time and often sacrifice health and communication with loved ones for the sake of earnings and promotion. “I have lived this way most of my life,” continues Sarah Fabian. — Fifteen years in the corporate world were not in vain: I got used to evaluating myself through social status and profession.
Back then, building a successful career meant everything to me. I have always been terribly busy, constantly stressed and in a constant rush. It was normal for me to work ten hours a day, seven days a week. This regime was exhausting. But I was a perfectionist and proud of myself, as if perfectionism was a virtue or a rare virtue.
One day I broke down. Colleagues calmly left the office at the end of the working day, but I regularly stayed late. I compared myself to them and lamented that I lacked intelligence because my brain was not capable of processing tasks at the same speed. Simply put, I thought I was stupid.
The pursuit of the ideal is too energy-consuming, it depletes the body and soul
In desperation, I went to the manager to discuss my workload, repented that I was not coping, and … began to see the light. I will never forget his words: “Sarah, I appreciate your selfless work and I am very glad that you are on my team. Still, I would like you to know that you are only expected to perform daily duties. I don’t demand perfection. Just enough quality.
And then it dawned on me that the term «sufficient quality» was never in my vocabulary. I had a hard time understanding what it was about. I wanted to do everything perfectly so that no one could find fault and accuse me of negligence. As a true «overachiever», I measured my personal worth by professional accomplishments.
I raised the bar higher and higher, so my body could no longer cope with my own set requirements. There was no one to blame for this situation but herself. This experience taught me a lot.
The pursuit of the ideal is too energy-consuming, it depletes the body and soul. You can’t get rid of perfectionism until you learn to accept enough quality.»
Perfection instead of perfection
This principle is important for everyone to learn, the coach emphasizes. We all need to learn to accept our mistakes as a necessary condition for growth. Failures happen, but it does not follow that we are failures, because we are not what we do. Work is only a part of life, but not the whole life. We are not our profession, no matter how much we love it. Each of us has many roles: we are someone’s children, parents, spouses, friends.
Many complain that they spend their days at work, and there is no time for themselves at all. But when they retire and have long-awaited free time, they don’t know what to do with it. This is not at all surprising, given that one of the most common questions when a new acquaintance is: “What do you do?”
The busy trap
Most do have to work, and money is a necessary resource for survival. But what price do we pay to remain in the busy trap? What if we are missing something very important? Are we losing touch with our true nature?
Practices of being at rest, like yoga or meditation, have acquired a special meaning today: we try to comprehend them, because we have forgotten how to follow the natural need for rest. We’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to be: we feel guilty when we allow ourselves to slow down or do what we like. Getting rid of it is not so easy.
“It took years to learn that self-care, including long sleep, is not selfish. Today I know that listening to my body and recharging my «soul batteries», establishing healthy boundaries with the outside world and saying «no» to everything that causes internal resistance is the most important part of life. I finally realized that time is a valuable asset that is spent and never replenished.
“I no longer feel obligated to justify myself to someone”
Sara recalls that one day she came across a note about the Japanese prefecture of Okinawa, where there are the most centenarians. She traveled to Japan to study their way of life. It turned out that these people eat healthy food and do exercises, do not worry about trifles and communicate with each other a lot. The same is observed in China and South Korea: locals do gymnastics, practice tai chi or qigong, dance and sing in the parks of Seoul or in the squares of Shanghai. They are invariably active and spend time usefully meeting like-minded people.
“I realized that I’m not a superwoman and that’s okay. I stopped trying to do a hundred times more in a day than any mortal and comparing myself to others. My life belongs only to me, and I no longer feel obliged to justify or apologize to anyone for how I see fit to live it. We all have good and bad days. If I am ill or tired, my ability to concentrate and work effectively is inevitably reduced, because I am only human.”
Doing nothing is action
Breaking free from the workaholic mindset is great, but doing nothing doesn’t mean being lazy. If we choose to do nothing, it turns into action. After all, in order to relax and replenish the supply of energy of the mind, soul and body, it also takes time.
“I really don’t like the phrase “I don’t have time,” the coach admits. “It’s like letting life rule you, not the other way around. If there is no time for me personally in my busy schedule, I carve it out on purpose. There are only 24 hours in a day, and my needs and desires come first:
- I am sure that breaks in work are necessary. I am not a robot.
- Sometimes I get out into nature and enjoy a walk.
- I play with a dog.
- I regularly go for massages.
- I watch interesting films and read books.
- I lie down with my eyes closed and listen to relaxing music.
- I love to take a good nap.
- I light candles or incense sticks.
I started spending more time by myself. This does not mean that I am a recluse or that I hate people. In this way, I connect with my “I”: I ground myself, reflect and recharge. Sometimes I meet positive friendly people whom I love and who love me. I noticed that I began to smile more, laugh and have fun. My body is now producing more serotonin, the feel-good hormone.”
Each of us needs to learn to treat life as a precious gift, be proud of it and cherish it. Stop waiting for the weekend to feel like you’re still alive. Let every morning (and Monday morning too!) Be a new start, a great opportunity to learn something and grow above yourself. Life is given to live, not just to exist. Live to the fullest.
About the Author: Sarah Fabian is a life coach, personal growth and confidence development specialist.