The Four Stages of Life: How to Avoid Bad Decisions

In order to feel the fullness of life, to tell yourself once that you have not lived it in vain, you need to go through four stages of formation. Get to know yourself, your desires, accumulate experience and knowledge, transfer them to others. Not everyone succeeds. But if you find yourself among those who have successfully passed all these steps, you can consider yourself a happy person.

What are these stages?

First stage: Imitation

We are born helpless. We cannot walk, talk, feed ourselves, take care of ourselves. At this stage, we have the advantage of learning faster than ever. We are programmed to learn new things, observe and mimic others.

First we learn to walk and talk, then we develop social skills by observing and copying the behavior of peers. Finally, we learn to adapt to society by following the rules and regulations and trying to choose a lifestyle that is considered acceptable to our circle.

The purpose of Stage One is to learn how to function in society. Parents, caregivers, and other adults help us achieve this by instilling the ability to think and make decisions.

But some adults never learned it themselves. Therefore, they punish us for wanting to express our opinion, they do not believe in us. If there are such people nearby, we do not develop. We get stuck in Stage One, imitating those around us, trying to please everyone so we don’t get judged.

In a good scenario, the first stage lasts until late adolescence and ends at the entry into adulthood — about 20-odd. There are those who wake up one day at the age of 45 with the realization that they never lived for themselves.

To pass the First stage means to learn the standards and expectations of others, but to be able to act contrary to them when we feel that it is necessary.

Second stage: Self-knowledge

At this stage, we learn to understand what makes us different from others. The second stage requires making decisions on our own, testing ourselves, understanding ourselves and what makes us unique. This stage contains many mistakes and experiments. We try to live in a new place, spend time with new people, test our body and its sensations.

During my Second Stage, I traveled and visited 50 countries. My brother got into politics. Each of us goes through this stage in our own way.

The second stage continues until we start running into our own limitations. Yes, there are limits — no matter what Deepak Chopra and other psychological «gurus» tell you. But really, discovering your own limitations is great.

No matter how hard you try, something will still turn out badly. And you need to know what it is. For example, I am not genetically inclined to become a great athlete. I spent a lot of effort and nerves to understand this. But as soon as the realization came to me, I calmed down. This door is closed, so is it worth breaking through?

Some activities just don’t work for us. There are others that we like, but then we lose interest in them. For example, to live like a tumbleweed. Change sexual partners (and do it often), hang out at the bar every Friday, and much more.

Limits are important because they lead us to understand that our time is not infinite and we should spend it on something important. If you are capable of something, it does not mean that you should do it. Just because you like certain people doesn’t mean you have to be with them. Just because you see a lot of possibilities doesn’t mean you should use them all.

Some promising actors are waiters at 38 and wait two years to be asked to audition. There are startups who for 15 years have not been able to create something worthwhile and live with their parents. Some people are unable to form a long-term relationship because they have a feeling that tomorrow they will meet someone better.

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At some point, we must admit that life is short, not all our dreams can come true, so we must carefully choose what is worth investing in for real, and trust our choice.

People stuck in Stage Two spend most of their time convincing themselves otherwise. “My possibilities are endless. I can overcome everything. My life is continuous growth and development.” But it is obvious to everyone that they are just marking time. These are eternal teenagers, always looking for themselves, but not finding anything.

Stage Three: Commitment

So, you have found your boundaries and «stop zones» (for example, athletics or culinary arts) and realized that some activities are no longer satisfying (parties until the morning, hitchhiking, video games). You stay with what is really important and good at it. Now it’s time to take your place in the world.

The third stage is the time of consolidation and farewell to everything that is not worth your strength: with friends that distract and pull back, hobbies that take time, with old dreams that will no longer come true. At least in the near future and in the way we expect.

Now what? You are investing in what you can achieve the most, in the relationships that truly matter to you, in one main mission in your life — defeat the energy crisis, become a great game designer, or raise two tomboys.

The third stage is the time of maximum disclosure of your potential. This is what you will be loved, respected and remembered for. What will you leave behind? Whether it’s scientific research, a new technological product, or a loving family, going through the Third Stage means leaving behind a world a little different than it was before you appeared.

It ends when there is a combination of two things. Firstly, you feel that you have done enough and you are unlikely to surpass your achievements. And secondly, you have grown old, tired and began to notice that you most of all want to sit on the terrace, sipping martinis and solving crossword puzzles.

Those who fixate on the Third Stage usually cannot give up the constant desire for more. This leads to the fact that even in their 70s or 80s they will not be able to enjoy peace, remaining excited and dissatisfied.

Fourth stage. Heritage

People find themselves at this stage after spending about half a century on what was most significant and important. They worked well. They have earned everything they have. Perhaps they created a family, a charitable foundation, revolutionized their field. Now they have reached an age when forces and circumstances no longer allow them to climb higher.

The purpose of life in the Fourth Stage is not so much to strive for something new, but to ensure the preservation of achievements and the transfer of knowledge. This may be family support, advice to young colleagues or children. Transfer of projects and powers to students or trusted persons. This can mean increased political and social activism — if you have influence that you can use for the good of society.

The fourth stage is important from a psychological point of view, because it makes the ever-growing awareness of one’s own mortality more tolerable. It is important for everyone to feel that their life means something. The meaning of life, which we are constantly looking for, is our only psychological defense against the incomprehensibility of life and the inevitability of our own death.

To lose this meaning or miss it while we had the opportunity is to face oblivion and let it consume us.

What is it all about?

Each stage of life has its own characteristics. We cannot always control what is happening, but we can live consciously. Consciousness, understanding of one’s position on the path of life is a good vaccine against bad decisions and inaction.

In Stage One, we are completely dependent on the actions and approval of others. People are unpredictable and unreliable, so the most important thing is to understand as early as possible what words are worth, what are our strengths. We can teach this to our children as well.

In Stage Two, we learn to be self-reliant, but still dependent on external encouragement—we need rewards, money, victories, conquests. This is something we can control, but in the long run, fame and success are also unpredictable.

In Stage Three, we learn to build on the proven relationships and paths that proved reliable and promising in Stage Two. Finally, the Fourth Stage requires that we be able to establish ourselves and hold on to what we have gained.

At each subsequent stage, happiness becomes more subservient to us (if we did everything right), based more on our internal values ​​and principles and less on external factors. Once you have identified where you are, you will know where to focus, where to invest resources, and where to direct your steps. My circuit is not universal, but it works for me. Whether it works for you — decide for yourself.

About the Author: Mark Manson is a blogger and entrepreneur known for provocative posts about career, success, and the meaning of life.