“When we met, Nicolas and I, we went on a trip. Yes, together and in “camouille” (that is to say in a truck!) And above all… for a very long time. What is the point of giving yourself a return date! Netherlands, Germany, Poland, Croatia, we did as we wanted, just as we wanted. First month, eleven countries on the clock! We were planning to leave for nine months, we had known each other for a year, we were keeping the right pace. And there I got pregnant! By a lake in Croatia. Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, we continued to travel, with the little bean growing… A gynecologist break in Finland, a lot of questions in our heads, but here we are: we were going to become parents, and it was wonderful. It’s true that I felt very tired, but it’s normal when you’re pregnant… We took advantage of it anyway… less aperitifs! Our “camouille” was our home, we loved it a lot, him and our daily life. And above all, we had confidence in our future.
And then, he arrived, this little globetrotter: after a sporting birth, Nino was born.We quickly got to know each other and managed the lack of sleep. I even made up with a nasty nurse’s aide worthy of Hell’s Cruella, who barked incessantly instead of giving me advice. Unfortunately, it was also her who palpated my neck when, just after giving birth, at the clinic, I was surprised to discover two balls under my skin. Instead of worrying about it or talking about it to her superiors, the nursing assistant gave me her black humor: “Maybe it’s because you have the balls!” Yes, it was this caregiver who ignored the onset of my Hodgkin lymphoma. Simply ignored my cancer.
I ended up consulting. And there, the verdict fell. Cancer, at age 30, just as I was becoming a mother. Is it possible ? Is that right ?
Immediately, I will look for information on the internet.Relief, the Hodgkin heals at 85%. But what if I were part of the 15%? And then, I do not intend to survive ten or twenty years, but to live until 80 years! Nicolas is by my side, and yet I collapse, with fear and grief. He wants to avoid fear and the downward spiral of anguish at all costs. Every day, he does everything to understand me, to keep the dialogue going. Nico, the eternal optimist, then becomes more serious, sadder. For my part, quite quickly, I felt immense guilt. Guilty of presenting myself weakened, hairless, sad, and bitter towards the whole Earth. Guilty of imposing this new vocabulary – hematology, biopsy, catheter, radiotherapy, chemotherapy. Lymphoma is cancer that affects the entire immune system. I started to write a notebook, which was supposed to be one of anger but which, over time, became one of healing. And my confidences.
I am talking about Margaux, my dear friend to whom I am so angry. I did not understand her violence when she learned of my illness. His words were real stabs to me. Margaux is surprised at first that my eggs are frozen. ” What ? Do you plan to have other children? What if the cancer comes back? »She actually sneered at our wedding plan… She saw me doomed, it’s very clear, doomed to give up my dreams and my life. I ended up writing to her, but her response hit the nail on the head: “What’s the use of being friends if it’s to hide the truth from you?” “Yes, I have a fatal illness. But do I want someone to tell me? Well, obviously our friendship took a hell of a beating. All friends do not have to be put in the same bag. Even if I felt the embarrassment of some to bring up the subject, I understood them. I then gained strength, confidence in the future from those generous people who knew how to talk to me, and I moved away from those who were fleeing from me.
You might as well be well accompanied at such times, because the effects of chemo are like a big binge to manage for three days.My hair fell out, I suffered from mucositis – painful fungus on my tongue – and my spirits went up on the trampoline. To stay the course, I held a notebook, certain that at one point this disease was going to mean something to me! Anyway, I understood what chemo was. If the body is so sick when it is undergoing chemotherapy, it is because it is rebelling. Sure, they are done to kill bad cells, but they also kill good ones, so the body fights back. And then, at the hospital, the meal tray is sausage-beans, even under chemo, so for nausea, I had to adapt!
The months go by. My white blood cells are plummeting, but I pick up the pace. Chemo, nausea and side effects, short breathing, and chemo again… Our little one is only 4 months old and I, his mom, have a wig on my head! But we do not forget our plans: we have always planned to get married! Large wedding or small committee? And then the dress, the hairstyle (well, that’s just a joke)… How good this wedding is!
At the end of the four months of treatment, I was told that I was in remission. Obviously, total happiness should triumph, but here a strange thing happened. I felt carried away by the void. The fight is over, the fight is won. What do we do now? I felt like I had succeeded in our fight against death, but, healed, I felt like on stand-by. You have to wait for the catheter to be withdrawn, you have to wait for my hair to grow back … You have to get back to life, of course, but where to go? It took me a while to digest everything that happened in such a short time.
Little by little, I went up the slope and found hope. Nicolas helped me a lot. I also saw a psychologist at the hospital. Of course, I have to wait five years to hear about “total remission”, of course I will have to monitor my health closely and carry out thorough examinations every year, but I can say that after this disease my outlook on life has evolved. Taking care of your body and your health is essential. Suddenly, I sometimes rail against people who smoke or against those who do not take care of them. I know today how much living is a precious treasure! As precious as surrounding those you love.
Soon we will have someone more to love in the family: the little girl we are expecting. Because life, this time again, has not failed us. Next month, she will be with us… And all together, Nino and the two of us, we believe in it.
Find Julie’s story “We discovered my cancer when my baby was born” in the book, “Grains of sand on the road to happiness”, by Julie and Nicolas Besnard (ed. Coëtquen)