Love makes us vulnerable. Opening up to a loved one, we let him through all the defenses, so he is able to hurt us like no one else. The more difficult it is to cope with the experiences that loved ones deliver. We offer an exercise for such cases.
In any significant relationship, be it friendship, love or family, painful experiences happen. Alas, «good» and «bad» emotions always go hand in hand. Sooner or later, the person with whom we communicate begins to disappoint, annoy, resent at least something. What about painful experiences? Get drunk on them? Fight? Let them rule us?
Australian psychologist Ras Harris, author of How to Improve Relationships. From Myths to Reality” and the creator of the original method of psychological flexibility, offers an alternative — the “Name” technique developed by him, which is based on the acceptance of one’s feelings and awareness.
Step 1: Notice
In reality, the stronger the emotions, the more difficult it is to deal with them. First, our reactions to them turn into a habit, and we stop noticing them. Secondly, when we experience strong emotions, our mind is unable to recognize them.
This is where mindful breathing comes in handy.
- First, empty your lungs of air by exhaling as fully as possible. Then let the air fill them again, starting from the bottom and moving up.
- Notice how the air fills and leaves your lungs. It is good that you simultaneously say to yourself while breathing: “I let go of my thoughts and emotions”, “This story no longer affects me.”
- Spread awareness from breath to body and try to identify the place where you feel the strongest emotions. Most often it is the forehead, cheekbones, neck, throat, shoulders, chest, abdomen.
- Notice where emotions begin and where they end. Where are the limits of your emotion? Is it on the surface or inside? Is it stationary or is it changing its location? What temperature is it? Does it have warm or cold spots? Take in as many details as you can, as if you were an inquisitive scientist who had never before encountered such a phenomenon.
Step 2: Recognize
The next step is to openly acknowledge the presence of these emotions. Say to yourself, «This is anger» or «This is dislike.» Don’t say «I’m angry» or «I dislike» because in this case you identify yourself with the emotion you are experiencing, thereby reinforcing it.
Try to realize that you are not your emotions, just as you are not your thoughts.
Emotions and thoughts come and go, they move through you like clouds floating across the sky. They are not you! Say, “Here is me, here is my anger,” notice how this allows you to step back a little from that emotion. An even simpler way is to name emotions in one word: “anger”, “guilt”, “fear”, “sadness”.
Recognition is an important step towards acceptance. It means that you are returning to the real world. While acknowledging your emotions, do not make judgments or judgments. With the words «What I feel is terrible!» you will push yourself to avoid the emotion instead of accepting it.
Step 3: Create space
When we experience painful emotions, our attention narrows, and instead of giving space to our experiences, we try to drive them deeper inside or push them away from us. It’s like locking a frightened horse in a small barn, where he will start destroying everything around.
But if you let her out into the field, where she can run free, she will soon waste her energy and calm down without causing any harm. If we give enough space to emotions, their energy is depleted without causing us much trouble.
- Take a deep breath. Imagine that the inhaled air reaches the emotion you are experiencing and envelops it, and then a certain free space opens up inside you, in which painful experiences can fit.
- See if you can let your negative emotions take over that space. You don’t have to like what they are. You simply allow them to be in this space. This is not a clever trick to get rid of negative emotions, but simply a way to come to terms with them. It will be easier to complete this step if you tell yourself something like, «I’m opening up,» or «Here’s free space,» or say a longer phrase like, «I don’t like this emotion, but I have room for it.»
- Continue to breathe consciously, enveloping your emotions with inhaled air and gradually opening up, creating more and more space for them.
You can do this step for as long as you like, a minute or 20 minutes. However, with practice, you can do it in 10 seconds.
Step 4: Increase awareness
We have to go towards the world around us, to make contact with it. As we took the first steps, we directed the spotlight of attention to emotions. Now it’s time to look at what surrounds us. Be aware of everything you can see, hear, touch, taste.
Look around. Where are you? What are you doing, with whom. What do you see, hear, touch? Open up to the world. Ask yourself, “What is in line with my values that I would like to do right now?”
And if there is something that you could do right now, without putting it off for later, do it!
Ras Harris recommends doing this technique 5-10 times a day, albeit very briefly, for example, for 30 seconds — a minute. And if you have time and mood to work, you can devote 5-15 minutes to it. Having accumulated enough experience, you will be able to apply it right in the midst of a conflict, no matter how offensive things your partner says.
Of course, at times the conflicts will draw you in so much that there will be no time for any practice. But nothing prevents you from doing it after a quarrel. This is a much healthier approach than cherishing your resentment and withdrawing into yourself, endlessly scrolling in your head everything unpleasant that your partner said or did.