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Children naturally wonder about death, whether they realize it or not. The little ones are great metaphysicians! Of course, the subject is not completely new to them, they have heard about it before and maybe they have already played dead, ” for fake “! Only here, the death of a loved one can suddenly arouse their desire to know. They need to understand …
Children and Death: Speaking the Truth, Nothing But the Truth!
Tell them things to the truth of what they are and do not wait to do it: of course, the task is not easy, but it is essential for children’s balance. Taking the time to talk to them, regardless of their age, and to surround them, it is also in a way to respect them. But be careful, that does not mean that you necessarily have to give them all the details!
Announce to a child the death of a person, it is also telling him things to the level of what we feel capable of it. If your grief is such that it prevents you from speaking to him, do not hesitate to confide to him that your grief is too much and that, for now, you cannot tell him more. Remember also that children are very great comforters and that, above all, they can sense your anxieties. They will be even more disturbed by your silence …
« There is nothing more toxic than lying! »
For Catherine Dolto, author of the book If we were talking about death, ” lying absolutely does not protect the child, on the contrary! He suffers more, he imagines lots of things … Every year, I receive children who are very disturbed because they have been told false stories about the disappearance of a loved one … The lie, which is initially intended to be protective, quickly turns out to be destructive for the child.
Some readings:
Talk about death, Françoise Dolto, Ed. Mercure de France
And with your child:
The caress of the butterfly, Christian Voltz, Ed. du Rouergue
Talking to the Child about Death: Grief Needs Time
Reassure him! There is no question of forgetting the deceased person in a few hours. His memory will always remain present in hearts and nothing prevents from now on transforming his absence into a continuous presence … Love does not die, what he brought of the good and the comforting remains alive in us forever. Your child needs to hear it.
And then time will do its work, it will take with it the burden of pain. In the meantime, why not try to find with your child what would relieve his pain: hang a photo of the missing person on the wall, write him a letter (even if she will never receive it), go to her grave …
Does he feel responsible for the death of a loved one?
Your child has confessed to you that he had, one day, very bad thoughts: he wished the death of his little brother or his sister to take his place, his room … and have his parents all to himself! But, in reality, this is not what he wanted and, today, he believes himself responsible for his death. It is urgent to make him feel guilty! You have to explain to him that it is absolutely nothing, that thoughts do not kill and that it happens to everyone to have such ideas … Ditto if he got angry with a loved one, a big -father, grandmother, aunt or uncle, or even a classmate …
Should we take a child to a funeral?
« You absolutely have to go with his child, whatever his age », Advises Dr Catherine Dolto. ” It is assumed that rituals are essentially made for the living, that it feels good to get together. Together, we are less unhappy, we can talk about the person and pay tribute to him. It is also a way to calm the pain … »
Of course, the child must be prepared to live this moment, which is why it is always good to explain to him, before, the progress of a funeral. In case the ceremony is prolonged, it is better to arrange for someone to look after him and take him outside from time to time.
He will need more than ever to be accompanied and surrounded during this last goodbye… not to be missed.