First, the obvious things. If the children are already adults, but do not yet support themselves, their fate is determined by their parents. If children do not like this, they can thank their parents for the contribution they received from their parents and leave to build their own lives, no longer claiming parental help. On the other hand, if adult children live in a dignified manner, with their heads on their shoulders and with respect for their parents, wise parents can delegate the decision of the main issues of their children’s lives to them.
Everything is like in business: if a wise director manages the affairs of the owner, then why should the owner interfere in his affairs. Formally, the director submits to the owner, in fact, he decides everything independently. So it is with children: when they rule their lives wisely, parents do not climb into their lives.
But not only children are different, parents are also different. There are practically no black-and-white situations in life, but for simplicity, I will designate two cases: parents are wise and not.
If the parents are wise, if both the children and those around them consider them so, then the children will always obey them. No matter how old they are, always. Why? Because wise parents will never demand from their adult children that it is no longer possible to demand from them as adults, and the relationship of wise parents and already quite adult children is a relationship of mutual respect. Children ask the opinion of their parents, parents in response to this ask the opinion of the children — and bless their choice. It’s simple: when children live smart and dignified, parents no longer interfere in their lives, but only admire their decisions and help them think through all the details better in difficult situations. That is why children always obey their parents and always agree with them.
Children respect their parents and, when creating their own family, they think in advance that their choice will suit their parents as well. Parental blessing is the best guarantee of the future family strength.
However, sometimes wisdom betrays parents. There are situations when parents are no longer right, and then their children, as fully grown and responsible people, can and should make completely independent decisions.
Here is a case from my practice, a letter:
“I got into a difficult situation: I became a hostage of my beloved mother. Briefly. I am Tatar. And my mother is categorically against the Orthodox bride. Puts in the first place not my happiness, but what it will be like for her. I understand her. But you can’t tell your heart either. This question is brought up periodically, after which I am not happy that I bring it up again. She begins to reproach herself for everything, tormenting herself with tears, insomnia, saying that she no longer has a son, and so on in that spirit. She is 82 years old, she is the Blockade of Leningrad, and seeing how she torments herself, fearing for her health, the question hangs in the air again. If she were younger, I would have insisted on my own, and perhaps slamming the door, she would have agreed anyway when she saw her grandchildren. There are many such cases, and in our environment, which again is not an example for her. Relatives also took action. We live together in a three-room apartment. I would be glad if I meet a Tatar, but alas. If, there would be approval from her side, if only the son was happy, because the happiness of parents is when their children are happy, perhaps having initially started the “search” for my soulmate, I would have met a Tatar. But having started the search, perhaps my eyes will not meet a Tatar … Yes, and there are Orthodox girls, I would love to continue the relationship, I chose one of them. There is no such question from their side. I am 45 years old, I have come to the point of no return, my life is filled with more and more emptiness every day … What should I do?
Parents should not interfere in the love affairs of children!
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The situation is not simple, but the answer is certain: in this case, you need to make your own decision, and not listen to your mother. Mom is wrong.
45 years is the age when a family-oriented man should already have a family. It is high time. It is clear that, other things being equal, if there is a choice between a Tatar (apparently, this means a girl brought up more in the traditions of Islam) and an Orthodox girl, it is more correct to choose a girl with whom you have closer values and habits. That is, a Tatar.
I lack love in this letter — love for the girl with whom the author of the letter is going to live. A man thinks about his mother, he is attached to his mother and takes care of her health — this is right and excellent, but does he think about a girl who could already be his wife, give birth to children for him? Does he think of the children who might already be running and climbing on his lap? You need to love your future wife and your children already in advance, think about them even before you meet them live, prepare for this meeting years in advance.
Parents of adult children — care or spoil life?
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Can parents interfere in their children’s lives? The smarter parents and children are, the more it is possible, and the less it is necessary. Smart parents really have enough life experience to see many things in advance, far in advance, so they can tell you where to go to study, where to work, and even with whom you should connect your fate and with whom not. Smart children themselves are happy when smart parents tell them all this, respectively, in this case, parents do not interfere in the lives of children, but participate in the lives of children.
Unfortunately, the more problematic and stupid parents and children are, the less such parents should interfere in the lives of children, and the more it is necessary … want to help them! But the stupid and tactless help of parents causes only protest and even more stupid (but out of spite!) decisions of children.
Especially when the children themselves have long become adults, earn money themselves and live separately …
If an elderly woman who doesn’t have a brilliant mind comes to your apartment and starts teaching you how your furniture should be and who you should meet and who you shouldn’t, you will hardly listen to her seriously: you will smile, change the subject, and soon just forget about this conversation. And rightly so. But if this elderly woman is your mother, then for some reason these conversations become long, heavy, with screams and smearing of tears … “Mom, this is sacred!”? — Of course, sacred: children should take care of their already elderly parents. If children have become smarter than their parents, and this, fortunately, often happens, then children should educate their parents, prevent them from plunging into senile negativism, help them believe in themselves, create joy for them and take care of the meanings of their lives. Parents need to know they are still needed, and wise children can make sure they really need their parents for years to come.