Sometimes relationships break down because we don’t understand what turns a partner on. It’s about different types of sexual attraction. However, this is not a tragedy, but rather an occasion to get to know each other better. We name 10 types of libido and explain what each of them means.
Psychologies: What types of libido can be called the most common?
Sandra Perto, clinical psychologist and sex therapist: In our culture, the most valued type, familiar from numerous examples from advertising and films, is erotic. Its representatives have sex often and with pleasure, they love experiments and variety.
But people do not belong to a single psychotype, just as everyone’s sexuality has its own characteristics. But if we already know the differences between introverts and extroverts well, then the diversity of libido is still little known. On the contrary, our culture is dominated by the belief that if you do not need sex every day or even a week, something is wrong with you. However, sexual life does not become less intense if it proceeds at a reduced pace.
How do differences in the rhythm of sexual life affect relationships?
Partners may have different types of libido, but this is not so important if both are ready to accept and respect these differences. I heard from women with reduced libido that their partners are outraged: “Are you frigid? What’s the matter?» Or: “You don’t care what I want, you generally need sex once a year.” And women, in turn, complain that the partner does not pay attention to their feelings: «He is only interested in sex, he thinks only about his own pleasure.»
It’s not about being fully compatible in sex, but about being careful about someone else’s sexuality.
Are there types of libido that are incompatible?
The erotic type, who loves bright, dynamic sex, will be bored with those whose libido is rather muted. But there may be other things in a relationship that make it meaningful. My experience is that most people with conflicting desires can accommodate each other and find a sex life where they can give something to their partner.
They say that opposites attract. Is this true in the sexual realm as well?
No, it’s more of a myth. If you belong to the extreme ends of the sexual spectrum, it will be difficult for you to understand each other. If you want the same thing, you will quickly figure out how to please each other, and you will need to try less and change yourself for this.
Can you change your libido type?
Yes. Although studies show that about 70% of what our attraction will be depends on genetics, we must remember that mental attitudes also play a role. We can always explore and develop ourselves.
Women are more likely to have low levels of desire, while men are more likely to be insatiable and compulsive
«Type» is only an approximate model. Reality is richer and not necessarily static. It’s not gender, skin color or eye color. Knowing what type of libido you belong to and what type your partner has can be used as an aid in learning about each other, but in no case as an argument in a quarrel or a reason to break off a relationship.
Do gender differences affect libido types?
Yes, women are more likely to have low levels of desire, while men are more likely to be insatiable and compulsive. But, for example, sensual and erotic types are characteristic of both.
Do emotional problems in a relationship lead to an unhappy sex life or vice versa?
There is no doubt that sexual dissatisfaction can harm the emotional side of a relationship. But for women, the opposite is more likely to be true: the quality of the relationship determines how interested they are in sex. However, when there are problems in the relationship as a whole, men tend to pay less attention to their partner, engaging in self-gratification alone, while women in this situation are more likely to lose their desire for sex altogether.
What can we do to make our sex life more harmonious?
First we need to understand why we want to change something. Sometimes you just need to change your expectations. I am often asked for advice on how to increase libido. But the question is rather to analyze your standards. We are overly concerned about how «normal» our level of desire is compared to others, how much we ourselves conform to some speculative ideas about sexuality.
I try to help clients understand that living a fulfilling sex life means being aware of and appreciating their unique characteristics and those of a partner, enriching each other’s experience.
If my partner and I have different types of libido, what should be taken into account so that there are no problems?
Usually the main stumbling block lies in our tendency to see the situation only from the point of view of our usual sensations. If you are the sensitive type, you will be offended if your partner only wants to have quick orgasms without caring about foreplay.
Frustration arises from the belief that love can only be in unison. If this is familiar to you, you should understand and accept the differences in libido types. It depends on your openness whether the relationship in sex will be harmonious.
What type of libido do you have?
In order to establish a relationship with a partner, you must first deal with your desires and needs. Knowing your type of libido and its features will help you better understand yourself.
Sensual. You value emotional attachment over sexual «combat capability.» Your complaints are most often related to the fact that the partner does not pay attention to your feelings and during sex is absorbed in his own feelings. Think about your relationship in general: if your partner shows care and tenderness in other ways, it may just be more familiar to him.
Erotic. This type we often meet in films in an idealized form. He is characterized by undisguised passion and the desire to constantly try new things. «Erotic» can be impatient, quickly get tired of the monotony. If this is about you, and your partner is of a different type, your behavior may seem too assertive to him. Try to discover more subtle ways to have fun. Study your partner’s body, his erogenous zones, new ways of stimulation — and you will be rewarded.
Dependent. You use sexual satisfaction as a way to release tension. You get excited when you can’t satisfy your hunger. This type is most common in men and is formed during adolescence, when they satisfy themselves through masturbation. Try other ways of dealing with tension, such as breathing techniques or relaxation exercises.
Capricious. You believe that in a relationship, your desires must always be satisfied. You strive for maximum pleasure, often regardless of the needs of your partner. Moody lovers should realize that in the long run, relationships will bring more joy if they think not only about themselves.
Insatiable. This type is less common than others. Most often, it is due to special genetics: its representatives have an almost limitless attraction that is difficult to control. It may also be related to emotional vulnerability: for such people, any sexual response from others boosts their self-esteem. If you are this type, you may tend to seek fulfillment outside of monogamous relationships. But that doesn’t mean your long-term relationship is doomed to failure. Provided, of course, that you value your partner and are willing to be honest with him.
Altruistic. You like to please your partner. His satisfaction is the key to your own enjoyment. For some, this is confirmation that they are good lovers. Others may lack the self-confidence to expect others to attend to their needs. Responsive lovers should understand that taking care of their feelings is equally important. Living only with the desires of a partner, you can forget how to enjoy sex in general.
Tense. Most often these are men. It is common for this type to constantly experience anxiety due to their sexual productivity. Faster, higher, stronger — for them, sex is like an Olympic competition. While women are able to fake an orgasm, it is much more difficult for men to pretend to be aroused. This is the source of stress. The key to harmony is to pay more attention to the sensual side of sex, and not just how you will be judged.
Muted. Low sexual interest may be related to the emotional sphere or genetic predisposition. In some, the attraction may be reduced normally, permanently. For others, it decreases gradually over the course of the relationship. For a partner, such an alignment can be incomprehensible and painful, and he will look for the cause in himself. Indifferent lovers should explore their sensual sphere more. Do not try to stir up physical passion or simulate it — discover different sides of intimacy: touches, sounds, smells.
Suspended. Your attraction may be strong and you have no problem pleasing your partner. But you still feel the distance. It is often associated with stress and emotional problems. Distractions can undermine your commitment to the process. Be open with your partner about what is bothering you. Try therapy and relaxation techniques, mindfulness exercises.
Compulsive. This type is the rarest and probably the most difficult in terms of intimacy. If you are one of them, your sex life is often subject to specific rituals, you may have unusual fantasies and fetishes. Due to the fact that your needs are rarely understood by others, it may be difficult for you to find a partner. If you are determined to let another into your erotic world, do it gradually. Let him get to know you at his own pace, looking for a balance between your partner’s desires and your own.
About the Expert: Sandra Perto is a clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and author of When Your Desires Don’t Match: What Type of Libido Is Yours?