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Pain, anger, resentment destroy our relationships, poison our lives, interfere with communication. We can manage them if we understand their useful purpose. Step by step tutorial with explanations.
We often complain about our feelings. For example, we can not communicate with loved ones because we are angry with them. We want to get rid of anger so that it does not interfere with us.
But what happens if we really get rid of anger? Most likely, other unpleasant feelings will come in its place: impotence, resentment, despair. Therefore, our task is not to get rid of our feelings, but to learn how to manage them. If the feeling of anger is under our control, then its appearance will help resolve the problem situations that arise in our lives. To learn how to manage feelings, you must first take full responsibility for their appearance.
How to do it? First of all, by understanding what benefit this or that feeling brings us. Having accepted the useful purpose of feelings, and the behavior in which they are manifested, we will be able to control this behavior.
Every feeling is a signal of need
Every feeling is a signal of some need. If we ask ourselves the question: “What need does my feeling indicate?”, We can find ways of behavior that will help satisfy this need. We can also refuse this need if it is not vital. Satisfying needs in time, we will not let the feeling grow and absorb us. This is the management of your feelings. Naturally, if the need is satisfied, then the feeling that irritated us (signaled an unsatisfied need) gives way to another feeling — satisfaction.
The trouble is that we often do not perceive annoying feelings as our own formations that belong to us. But having managed to understand its (feelings) useful purpose, you can change your attitude towards it and, accordingly, appropriate it. Feeling becomes my own manifestation, an ally.
Examples of signals that give feelings
Offense, as a rule, reports that some important things in partnerships are not let out. We feel the need for support, but do not report it.
Anxiety before an exam, for example, can be a signal that you should prepare better. And anxiety during an important meeting gives a warning that you need to more clearly control the situation.
Anxiety may signal the need to provide for something in the future.
Impotence — the need to ask for help from another person.
Rage — My rights have been violated in some way, and it is necessary to restore justice.
Jealousy — I am too much focused on controlling the life of another person and forget about my tasks.
Feelings management practice
This five-step workshop will help you understand the useful purpose of your feelings, and if you want to change habitual behavior for more effective actions.
1. List of feelings
Make your list of feelings. Just write down in a column the names of the different feelings that you remember. Write it out in a column, since the place on the right is still required for other tasks. We do not recommend using lists downloaded from the Internet. The essence of the task is precisely to activate the memory for feelings and their names. And the read list, as it was found out by experience, is practically not retained in memory. Replenish your list within a few days. That’s when you realize that you can no longer remember a single name, then you can use the Internet cheat sheet and add those feelings that were outside your experience.
2. Evaluation
Take your list of feelings and mark to the right of each how you (or people in general) perceive it: as «bad» or «good» or, rather, pleasant and unpleasant. What feelings turned out to be more? Consider what is the difference between those feelings that are pleasant and those that are unpleasant?
3. Revaluation
Instead of the usual division of feelings into “good” and “bad” that most of us are used to, rethink them as feelings that prompt action and feelings that complete an action or satisfaction of a need. Put new marks in your list to the right of the names of the feelings. It is likely that during this task you will remember new feelings. Add them to the list.
4. Preliminary conclusions
Compare which feelings are more among those that prompt action: pleasant or unpleasant. And what feelings are more among the final actions? Consider what conclusions you can draw from this experience. How can you use it for yourself and others?
5. Purpose of feelings
Take your list. On the right, you can write the useful purpose of each feeling. Determine the need it indicates. Based on the nature of this need, formulate the likely useful purpose of the feeling. You will get, for example, such a record: «Resentment is a signal that I do not know how to assert my rights.» Analyze what these feelings are telling you. What actions do they encourage you to take? What are they defending against or what are they calling for? What is their useful part. What do you hope to get from others or from yourself when you have these feelings?
There may be several such options, and this is good. They may differ from person to person. It helps to understand not only yourself, but also other people. After all, behind the expressed feeling is a need. And you can respond directly to the need, and not to the words that accompany the feeling.