Those requests are best fulfilled that sound on time, when they can be fulfilled in the course of life, naturally and easily. A request to throw away a bag of garbage is inappropriate when the child has already undressed, having come from the street; it sounds better when he has not yet undressed; and is performed naturally when the child is dressed and ready to go outside. The right moment rule is an absolutely magical rule that makes our communication intelligent and effective.
For example, you need to teach a child to turn off the light in the hallway when he goes outside (take a mobile phone, or say when he returns). We tell him, but he forgets. We tell him again, he forgets again. No matter how much you swear, the effectiveness of our actions is either low or none. And what to do? — Remember the unfamiliar word «bifurcation».
“Bifurcation point” is a concept from the technical dictionary and means bifurcation: a brief moment when the system can unpredictably change the mode of operation either in one direction or in the other, after which there is no return to the past. The situation will become either one or the other. In relation to psychology, this is the moment when a person can easily do something or not do it; do one thing or do another.
When a person is at this point, the slightest push in the right direction produces the desired effect. When this moment is missed — that’s it, we’ve passed, the point of no return has been passed: you can only swear, but the desired result will no longer be.
So, returning to the fact that the child turns off the light behind him in the hallway. Question: when do we raise this topic with a child? Usually we start talking about this when the child came from the street, that is, when he can no longer really do anything. This means — at the wrong time, there is no bifurcation point here.
We drove…
We need to act differently. Namely, it is important not to be lazy and be close to your child at the moment when he is in the hallway and is going to leave. At the time of his preparations, calmly ask when he will return, tell him about the mobile phone and, after kissing, ask him to turn off the light behind him. That’s it, you leave the hallway, the child turns off the light and goes for a walk. He has done and will do everything with pleasure, and if you continue to act in the same way, it will soon become a habit with him.
The main difficulty is organizing yourself. Remember what we want to achieve. However, there is one useful circumstance here: when faced with how we forget our own intentions, we will be more understanding that the child forgets our requests too.
Similarly, the husband went to the market, brought onions — bad. Sluggish, wet, whatever. The wife’s standard reaction is to tell him not to buy onions in that place anymore, because the onions he brought were unimportant.
The wife did not swear at her husband, she said everything calmly and honestly, but the husband received negative reinforcement for his work. And by the next time, he will most likely forget about his wife’s request, bring something wrong again, and the wife will start to get angry. Or take offense at his inattention.
It is more wise and responsible to thank your husband for the purchase, kiss him and get down to business. But remember about the bow. And the next time he is going to the market, give him very clear instructions on whom he should go to or what he should look at when he chooses onions.
Yes, she needs to remember that. Yes, the work of “remembering” is also work, and most often we try to pass this work on to someone else. But if we want results and good relations, we need to take on this work. Probably, this is just fair: after all, it is WE who want something from our loved ones, which means that we need to remember this. The old rule: «You need it — you do it!»
Anya, a wise wife, writes: “If my husband needs to do something big around the house, I first discuss with him the need for this business. And then — I remind you of this when there is free time, which he himself has not yet “credited”. For example, it was necessary to make a pendant for the TV in the kitchen so that it does not take up space in the room, we don’t watch it anyway. Quietly, calmly, I keep in mind that this must be done. As soon as my husband had a free day off, a joint trip with friends fell through, and then I showed up with a reminder: “And you also wanted to move the TV.” Everything is done — quickly, well with pleasure and without sawing … »
Dear men, to salt or not to salt porridge — this issue is decided at the moment when the wife is standing at the stove with a spoon and a saucepan. When she had already salted the porridge, it was too late, that was all. And an hour before this moment — too early, she will forget everything a hundred times … Remember, all your wonderful wishes should be made public only at the right moment. When the point of no return has not yet been passed. Only when needed.
Write a reminder and hang it in the place where you will be when it is useful for you to remember this instruction.