It’s hard to overestimate parents’ fear of gadgets. Sometimes it seems to us that children have generally lost the ability to make friends, play and communicate without the participation of a smartphone. What needs of the child’s psyche do technologies satisfy and how can children return the joy of being in the real world?
We are afraid that modern technology will have a bad effect on children’s ability to focus, learn and hold attention. We feel powerless in front of the world of gadgets and are ready for extreme measures. There are many videos on the Internet about how parents break into a child’s room and smash his set-top box or computer.
Of course, most moms and dads do not act so radically: more often we simply take away gadgets or severely limit the time of their use. But the problem is not in the technology itself, and strict rules are not the solution, Nir Eyal, a professor at Stanford Business School, is sure.
The fact is that gadgets help children meet important psychological needs that are often not met in any other way due to the characteristics of our era.
“Our body needs macronutrients to function properly. Also, the human psyche has its own needs. And when children don’t get the “psychological nutrients” they need, they start to take risks or use the solutions that the virtual environment gives them,” says Nir Eyal.
If we want to raise successful children who can set goals and achieve them, who are capable of intimacy and sincere communication, we should give them what their psyche requires.
Here are three basic needs that today are increasingly being met with the help of gadgets.
1. The need for autonomy
Let your child control their time spent with gadgets? As unrealistic as it may sound, according to Nir Eyal, this approach can be a great solution. The expert refers to the research of psychology professors Marciela Correa-Chavez and Barbara Rogoff, who worked with children from various Mayan tribes living in Mexico, Nicaragua and Honduras.
It turned out that those children who are taught less according to Western standards (centralized schools, many lessons and circles, total employment) demonstrate more stable attention and learning ability. Scientists attribute this to the fact that in Mayan villages, children are traditionally given a lot of freedom. The child independently sets a goal for himself and achieves it, and moms and dads just support him.
The Western model assumes that parents come up with a goal for the child, and then offer various rewards for achieving it. Again, formal schooling does not in principle give a child the right to make an informed choice. In that case, why should children learn self-control if they are always controlled by adults?
What parents can do: Instead of imposing rigid rules on the use of gadgets, we can help children define boundaries. The purpose of adults in this case is not to control the child, but to explain why screen time should be limited.
The more often you make joint decisions, the more often you work out strategies of behavior together, the more likely it is that the child will listen to your opinion.
2. The need for competence
As adults, we rarely think about how great it is to be able to do something. We often act on the machine and therefore do not notice how cleverly we park, what delicious lasagna we cook, how great it is for us to darn our favorite woolen socks. In general, skills, even such simple, everyday ones, are great. And the feeling that we can and can do a lot grows along with our ability to achieve success, with the development of mastery.
Unfortunately, children today have few opportunities to enjoy their own progress, says Nir Eyal. Children too often receive messages about their own incompetence. And it’s not just that we don’t allow them to cut greens (“The knife is so sharp!”) Or drive a nail into a loose stool (“You’ll definitely hit your finger”).
School tests, all sorts of standardized assessments do not take into account at all that two children of the same age can be at completely different levels of development. And if children do poorly in school, Nir Eyal believes, if they do not receive the necessary support from parents and teachers, they may think that it is simply impossible to have competencies. And if so, why try?
Not receiving recognition either in the classroom or at home, but wanting to feel better in something, children play computer games endlessly, receiving new titles and awards in the virtual world. Unfortunately, many games harm children or are not age appropriate.
Game developers study child psychology and know that a child (and an adult) likes it when more people subscribe to it when they give it likes. All this provides the need for competence when it is difficult to satisfy it in other areas.
What parents can do: we are able to shift the focus of attention from the child’s studies, from his achievements in sports and art to himself, stop pressing and try to make sure that he is not paralyzed by the expectations of others.
Talk to your child frankly, find out what he really likes to do. Help him achieve the desired level of competence in an area that is enjoyable but not habit-forming or visually damaging.
3. The need for belonging
Both adults and children want to know for sure that they are important to others, that they are valued and loved. For centuries, games have helped satisfy the need for belonging and at the same time pump up your social skills.
But in the modern world, the very nature of these games is not the same as even 20-30 years ago. Let’s remember our childhood. After school, we could run around the school yard, in fine weather we could not be driven home until dark – all this helped to create close social ties.
Today, parents limit and control outdoor play for fear that their children will encounter dangerous people, get hurt by bullies, or get hit by a car. The amount of free time that could be devoted to games is rapidly declining. And this does not help children to turn into creative, self-confident adults who can adequately perceive others.
It makes sense that a child who can’t go outside to play tag and has to follow a rigid and deliberate schedule would use technology to keep in touch with others, says Nir Eyal.
What parents can do: we can let them spend more time with their peers. Friendship, walks and games together will help satisfy the need for belonging, and children will not have to obsess over communication on social networks and applications. Such encounters can be dangerous.
Help children meet their psychological needs in the real world and they will experience less interest in the virtual world. And strict prohibitions and restrictions will definitely not help to improve relations and will only push the child to seek joy in the vastness of the Web.