Ordinary educational violence, or VEO, what is it?

What is Ordinary Educational Violence (VEO)?

“There is a multitude of ordinary educational violence. There is the obvious violence like spanking, slapping, insulting or mocking. What is called a “paradoxical injunction” is also part of it. This may include asking the child to do something that they cannot do, as it is inappropriate for their age.. Or leave it in front of the screens for too long a time when it is small, ”explains Nolwenn LETHUILLIER, clinical psychologist from the psychologue.net committee.

according to the bill against ordinary educational violence, adopted by Parliament in 2019: “Parental authority must be exercised without physical or psychological violence”. “And ordinary educational violence begins when our intention, conscious or unconscious, is to subdue and mold the child », Specifies the psychologist.

Other than slapping or spanking, what are ordinary educational violence?

According to the psychologist, there are many other aspects of VEO, less obvious but common, such as:

• The injunction made to a crying child to stop crying at once.
• Considering that it is normal to enter the child’s room without knocking on the door. We thus induce that the child has no individuality of its own..
• To style a very toned child who “moves” too much.
• Compare siblings, by denigrating a child: “I don’t understand at his age, the other could do it without a problem”, “With her, it has always been complicated like that”.
• The Eternal “But are you doing it on purpose? Think about it, ”said to a child struggling with homework.
• Do a derogatory remark.
• Leave a little fend for yourself with older children when he does not have the same build or the same abilities.
• Leave children exclude another child because it’s “normal” not to want to play with everyone.
• Put a child on the potty at fixed times, or even before the hour strikes for the acquisition of cleanliness.
• But also: do not set clear and identifiable limits for your child.

What are the short-term consequences of educational violence on children (VEO)?

“In the short term, the child is in the grip of a vital necessity: he cannot live alone. He will therefore either comply or oppose. By submitting to this violence, he gets used to considering that his needs are unimportant., and that it is fair not to take them into account. By opposing, he is loyal to the word of adults since adults will punish him. In his mind, his own needs earn him punishments repeat. He can develop symptoms of stress which will not particularly worry those around him, because I remind you: the child cannot live alone, ”explains Nolwenn Lethuillier.

The consequences of VEOs on the child’s future

“In the long term, two simultaneous paths are created”, specifies the specialist:

• A lack of self-esteem and confidence in his feelings, anxiety, stress, developing hyper vigilance, but also to explode with anger or even rage. These strong emotions can be anchored in parallel with addictions, in different forms.
• Many adults take what they experienced as a child as normal. It is the famous phrase “we are not dead”. Thus, by questioning what a majority has experienced, it is as if we are questioning the love received by our parents and educators. And that is often unbearable. Hence the idea of ​​being loyal by repeating these behaviors that made us suffer so much.

   

How to become aware of ordinary educational violence (VEO)?

” The problem, is that parents are not sufficiently informed of the consequences, such as the extent of the violence, which escapes them. But beyond that, it is difficult to recognize that we can be violent towards our children », Specifies Nolwenn Lethuillier. It happens that the adult feels overwhelmed, overwhelmed by the child. “The violence that manifests itself is always a lack of words, an” impossibility of saying “sometimes conscious, but often unconscious, carried by the emotional load. It takes a real introspection to perceive these gray areas of our narcissistic flaws.. It’s about facing your guilt in order to forgive yourself, and welcome the child in its reality ”, explains the psychologist.

What to do when a child has been victim of VEO?

« The best way to bring relief to a child victim of VEO is to recognize that, yes, they have gone through something difficult and painful, and to let them speak out about what it did to them.. Depending on the age of the child, it may be important to lend him words: “Me, if I had been told that, I would have been sad, I would have found it unfair …”. We must also explain to him that he does not have to deserve love, because love is there: like the air we breathe. As an adult author of VEO, it seems important to recognize your flaws and mistakes, say that we did wrong, and that we will do our best to prevent it from happening again. It may be interesting to set up a signal together when the child feels mistreated », Concludes Nolwenn Lethuillier